I came across a post on
Slate's Double X blog the other day that was a great intersection of some of my most keen interests—
work-life balance, feminism and yoga! The headline was "Yoga Mats Won't Solve Your Stress Issues" and the HTML title to the web page was "Buying things won't keep you from stressing out"; both intriguing titles that may misrepresent the point the poster was trying to make, but that play nicely into a point I would make.
First, about the post: It springboards from a recent
New York Times Magazine piece, "
Depression’s Upside," arguing that the contemporary norm of alleviating the discomfort of depression through drugs short-cuts the important problem-solving process we need to go through to attack
why we’re sad. The post asks "Could the same be said about stress?" And points to an article in
Feminism & Psychology that makes a similar case—that efforts to stamp out women's stress ignores the very real problems that are stressing us out, namely working for a living while running a household. What's more, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, so women's stress also can have deleterious effects on the kids and husbands in our lives.
Double X's post says "She’s got to remain calm at all costs. Thus, responsible women are on a perpetual quest for so-called 'balance,' which, of course, is impossible to achieve." And, according to the Fem/Psych piece, society is telling women they can resolve work-family tensions by fixing themselves. “As long as women are increasingly helped to view stress—and their own emotional reactions to it—as the enemy to be vanquished, possibilities for widespread social critique and social action will be effaced.” Double X says, "Women see their stress as a personal problem and not a structural one, such as lack of family friendly workplace policies or affordable housing... it would be nice if the few things that busy women did for themselves [to relieve their stress] weren’t regarded as a new category of 'work.'"
Now, I agree that women, working moms in particular, are stressed. Who could deny that? Recent pieces/blogs in the Washington Post and New York Times dealt with this, and I became fully absorbed in them, almost like watching a horror movie, reading about these tales of endless days, endless chores and no light at the end of the tunnel. A big feature in the Washington Post magazine really delved into the harried lives of working moms, with one woman's personal account of where her time goes. Especially troubling was the Washington Post piece talking about how some people actually lose money by working, by the time they are done paying for childcare. Ouch! Thing is, I am one of the lucky ones, as I am not particularly stressed, anymore.
How did I become un-stressed? I have to credit yoga. It could be something else, too, but I do think yoga has so much to do with it and its the biggest, most clear change I've made. Ever since January of this year, I've been doing about a half hour of yoga 5-6 mornings a week (basically just skipping the day I go running for 2-3 hours, because I just feel too selfish doing all that). It makes alot of difference in my mood. You may remember, I had some rough times with stress previously then finally recognized that things were getting really bad late last year (although I approached that post mostly with good humor). I started out doing yoga as a tool for my weight loss efforts because I thought that doing something to focus my mind and my intentions for the day before mindlessly stuffing random food into my mouth for breakfast would help me make better food choices. Also, it would be a way to start the day with at least a little exercise that would be OK if it was interrupted by my small child (unlike cardio and such, where you need to keep your heart rate up, etc.) And, maybe, just maybe by kid would join with me in some of the poses or at least the spirit of it, and it would be a togetherness thing. It all worked out just like I hoped.
Of course, my child sometimes interrupts me when I'm doing yoga, but as a general rule, I don't stop what I'm doing unless it's an emergency or it's during a transitional pose or something really quick. I do talk to her, if she talks to me, responding to her chatter and such, but it's all very pleasant and I still feel that I reap the benefits of doing yoga. I still am moving my body in a deliberate, yet flowing, way, that stretches me physically, emotionally and mentally and makes me feel so good. I still am paying attention to my breath. I still know I am doing something with a centuries-old, sacred tradition and that if I am going to be mean or bitchy or petty that that is dishonoring this tradition. The tradition of yoga reminds me, with its opening and closing greeting or wish "namaste" that I am part of the universe and all of the universe is within me, and so I better be nice and not hate because what I am hating is in me, too. But I don't think of all this consciously at the surface, it's just kind of there, deep within. And no, I am not perfect. I still lose my temper with my kid sometimes and I still bitch at my husband, but I do it much less and I feel I am on a gentle ramp up to more peace and acceptance as each day goes along.
It took me a long time to like yoga. I tried it many times in various forms and it never really took completely til recently. I think its because this was when my life needed it most, and, because I found a really good, capsulized routine that worked for me. I had the DVD for a few years and tried it now and then, but only recently did it click. For me, it's the perfect routine because it's simple enough for me to lose myself in the breaths and the flow, but it's athletic enough for me to actually feel things and the poses aren't held too long to the point of boredom or discomfort. That, and the fact that it's only about 40 minutes, and there are decent breaks in the flow at 20 minutes, 25 minutes and 30 and 35 minutes, if you have less time. The DVD is the Crunch Perfect Yoga Workout and I do the "Fat Burning" one. Seriously. I love it.
Doing something specific for yourself that takes you out of your usual mode and that you know if good for you can do wonders for your attitude and can give you alot of hope. For me, this is yoga. For someone who doesn't run already, it could be running. (I already ran and so I needed something else, and something with a more spiritual side, although I can find alot of peace in running, too.) I would argue that every person, no matter how busy, can find a half hour a day if they want to.
As to the idea that yoga or other earnest forms of stress-relief are just a band-aid and don't solve the real social problems that are at the core of why women are so stressed, I'd say that you still have to make it through the day. And frankly, when I dwell too much on the large problems of the world, that gets me down and I feel helpless. Let's face it, some of these things are just too big, too complicated, and we have to make it through the day and try to do it with some joy and grace, right? We do need to take care of ourselves first, and at the same time we need to be tuned in to the fact that if we are, honestly, stressed out all the time, that it's just not sustainable. I do believe in working toward bigger social goals that we may be interested in, like gentler workplace policies (for all people, not just families, everyone needs work-life balance) but in the mean time, we do need to take care of ourselves. And, perhaps dropping out a little from the rat race, whenever and wherever possible, instead of this madness of always striving for more and keeping up with the Joneses, is a way of passive resistance that can, over time, effect social change. Maybe doing yoga or participating in some other kind of mindful practice that has nothing to do with paying the bills or keeping up in society would provide the mental cleanse women needed to empower themselves further. Just think, if all these stressed out working moms just said NO, all at once, to being over-extended, what would happen?
Full disclosure: To many, I may not qualify as a woman who would be stressed out, so my reflections may be discounted. On the other hand, my situation may also be viewed as an example of what might be, if one so chose. I do not work full time outside the home at this point in my life. I have a pre-school age child and I work part-time from home. I do not outsource childcare, but she does attend a low-key neighborhood preschool 8 hours a week. I work on average 15 hours a week, sometimes up to 20. For this, I recognize, I am pretty lucky. At the same time, I worked to set the situation up, and, we live a little differently than some peers who have two full-time incomes. On the other hand, in this economy, we are also better off than many who are scrambling to get by on two full-time incomes. It's not for me to solve all the complicated issues at play in the world, just for me to do the best I can within my own framework and approach others with compassion and understanding.
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