Perfection ends at home

* colors are weird! see footnote!

I'm a bit of a perfectionist professionally. I've never missed a deadline. Once my computer died right in the middle of a client's newsletter cycle. I went out and bought a new one, installed all the needed software and got the job done on time—with my near two-year-old in tow the whole time. Somewhere on the internet there is a press release posted to a website, dated my child's birthday. The actual day my kid was born. I think I posted that early in labor, sometime mid-day. Not only am I on time for clients (and employers) but I'm on point. Everyone makes mistakes once in a while, of course, but a perfectionist genuinely feels bad about a mistake, fixes it promptly, apologizes and does better next time.

In my personal life, it's a whole other story!

The past couple of weekends I've been doing some home improvement projects and my lack of perfectionism in my own life for my own things really was thrown in my own face—by me. I paint as well as I can. I hate the process of taping off ceilings and trim, though, and while I told myself this time I'd do it, I did about 4 feet of taping, got impatient and decided—screw it, I have a good and steady hand and I can do it without tape. For the most part I did and it looks fine. That's me. Fine. The hallway by our bedrooms still isn't done and I don't think I'm going to make my self-imposed deadline of this Friday because I'm just over it, and I am totally OK with that. It will get done when it gets done.

Another weekend project was installing a backsplash in my kitchen. Overall, for a non-handy person, I think it looks pretty good and I am proud of it. Is it perfect? No! And I'm not going to waste my time detailing all the ways it's not perfect. No normal person who comes to the house would probably notice (OK, they might, no slam against them, but would they care? I sure don't think so!)

As long as we're talking about imperfection and missed goals, let's talk about my body! I've been scribbling out and rewriting weight loss goals on my calendar all year. I have been losing weight, and I am generally fine with my body, but ideally, I need to lose 10-15 pounds. I have small victories, in fits and starts, and I have no doubt that eventually I will reach my goal, but, if I was doing this weight loss and getting in shape work for a client, I'd have been fired by now!

And...this is so unlike me...this Sketchbook Project thing I signed up for? Due postmarked next week? I'm scrambling to get it done. I never scramble at the last minute on projects for others. But, that's just how it goes sometimes when you are self-employed, your own projects come only after your client projects—and all the work of holding the house together—are done. (I won't even go into detail on how far behind I am on my Code Academy lessons!)

Taking a break from all the home improvement projects, I went to hot yoga yesterday. Here, my imperfection smacked me upside the head like a 2x4! Sweating my ass off, struggling to hold poses I'm not nearly as deep into as I should be, feeling so tired, almost broken. But instead of breaking, I melt. I ooze into my imperfection and my thoughts go to my dear husband and child at home, playing together, somehow getting along with out me so I may have this time. And I think of how much they love me, as imperfect as I am, and it's so wonderful!

Clients and bosses don't love you. They may like you a lot, you may do a great job for them, like I do. I get so much satisfaction from a job well done and having people paying me for my work being very pleased with what I've done for them. But, oh, how much more satisfaction do I get from people who love me NOT for my perfection, but without even a thought of my imperfection! They love me because I am me and because I am theirs! They just appreciate that I do things like paint and try to keep up our house and make them food and cuddle them. I don't have to be a professional at any of it for them—though I am a damn good cook!

* A word about color: The color in these photos looks a little off and I don't have time to futz with the settings, but in person, I'm happy with it! A friend asked which shot best represented the color and it kind of depends where you stand and which lights are on. Neither pic looks quite right to me, but the rosier I think are closer. I would say the colors are fairly neutral bluish greys, but the darkest grey, when you're in the room picks up the purple-ish counters (which I don't want to keep forever anyway, but felt like I had to work with for the time being...) just wanted something very basic and neutral without being just plain white or cream.

We are all a work in progress

I've said and done some awful things in life. Nothing criminal, really, but, I've said mean things to people I love. I've acted selfishly. I've acted violently. Some of these recently. There have been periods of better behavior. Periods of calm. I have not really given adequate focus to my spirit, though. I have not put effort or intention into cultivating lovingkindness and compassion—at all. Even with my blip last spring, it quickly fell flat.

I feel like I have come to a place, though, now, where I can take the leap. That phrase comes naturally to describe what I mean to say, and is coincidentally the title of a book I'm reading (slowly) right now. Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears is Pema Chodron's latest. It focuses on shenpa or "attachment" and helping the reader see how certain habits of mind tend to “hook” us and get us stuck in states of anger, blame, self-hatred, and addiction. The idea is that if we can recognize these patterns, they instantly begin to lose their hold on us and we can begin to change our lives for the better. She talks about how this path entails uncovering three basic human qualities—natural intelligence, natural warmth, and natural openness. "Everyone, everywhere, all over the globe, has these qualities and can call on them to help themselves and others," Pema says.

I am only at the beginning of the book (I am reading at least 3 others concurrently, but do need to focus a bit, don't I?) but boy do I need it! I have been having a lot of difficulty in my relationship with my husband lately. I have been feeling like he is very selfish and uninterested in my happiness, to summarize a whole host of painful details. I am trying to muster the spiritual and emotional strength to not be so self-centered myself, either (ironic that I am accusing him of this, while I am saying "I am not getting enough"). It is difficult because I feel wanting for nurturing myself.

I also have issues of shenpa with judging and always trying to find fault. Even in abstract things or things that don't directly affect me. Parenting, politics, whatever. Pema, in an interview with Bill Moyers, notes that there is "something delicious about finding fault, even in ourselves," and we do have to let it go to find peace. Not surprisingly, this comes from insecurity.

Pema says, "Alot of us are just running around in circles pretending that there's ground when there isn't any ground...somehow, if we could learn to not be afraid of groundlessness, not be afraid of insecurity and uncertainty, it would be calling on an inner strength that would allow us to be open and free and loving and compassionate in any situation. But as long as we keep trying to scramble to get ground under our feet and avoid this uneasy feeling of groundlessness and insecurity and uncertainty and ambiguity or paradox or any of that, then the wars will continue, the racial prejudice will continue, the hatred of [people with a different sexual preference, skin color, politics] it will always continue because you can't avoid being triggered..." The trigger she means is the shenpa.

So, I was all wrong in my recent post (and so many other things) about "avoiding situations that oblige you to be inauthentic." No, you have to embrace the discomfort. Perhaps not be inauthentic, but understand that there is no separate self and be mindful of why it is you are uncomfortable.

I think that sometimes, to some people, I come off as confident, but in reality I am actually quite insecure. I have made a life project of scrambling for ground and as I am aging, it is beginning to become quite clear that ground is shifting and that my best investment, per se, is in my spiritual wellbeing.

This may sound selfish, but my spiritual seeking has been spawned partially from a sense of wanting to be protected. I have come to a point in my life that the only way I can be content and assure my sanity is through spirituality. People will always do annoying things. Why are they annoying? It must be me. Why am I threatened? (I am finally admitting that what I feel is threatened!) I know that I will never achieve great wealth, no matter how hard I work—there have been missed opportunities, and we could save, save, save and work very hard and then suffer an economic meltdown beyond our control. My interest is, at least partially, in developing the spiritual strength to weather that, should it happen. I am an aging woman and my beauty will fade, no matter how healthy I keep myself. I need to be comfortable in who I am beyond how I look. My child may not do everything I want. She may disappoint. My husband may be cruel. My friends may abandon me. A whole host of awful things may befall me. I simply can't pin my wellbeing on things that are inherently fleeting. What's more, all this lifelong grasping for ground has left me feeling not at peace and even when I let go, just a little, and think on things in the direction of mindfulness, I begin to feel more peace. So, I think, it works!

I have to be honest with myself without being too hard on myself, though, and this will enhance my compassion toward others. And compassion toward others is certainly a much more worthy goal than protecting myself, isn't it? One may want to say "we are all works in progress," but the first thing that came when I captioned my image and got the idea for this post was "we are all a work in progress"—the singular—which is a little magic in its observance of something universal and whole, and that there is no separate self. So hard to remember, but so important.

On Yoga, and Progress

Today I went to a special two-hour hot yoga class. Not Bikram, but a vinyasa flow class in a hot room. It was awesome. Loved it. It was challenging. Humbling. Exhilarating. I was going to write this post about how I am content doing yoga DVDs at home casually—my “brown bag yoga”—how gratifying that is, etc. but being in this class kind of took it to another level.

I guess it was just a really good class (Jennifer at Mind the Mat). I’ve tried classes now and then, some were alright, others just bleh. Now, I want to find ways to go again—same studio, same instructor. It was just that good. She had the perfect pacing of challenge and rest. She incorporated partner assists that were actually really effective and not awkward. I did an assisted handstand! I never do handstands! I sweat my ass off. It was wonderful

I will still do my at-home practice, of course, because really I can go to a studio, at most, once a week. I really saw today, though, how complacent I’ve gotten just doing my DVDs. It is hard to focus in your own home. Your kid needs something. There’s dust under the TV cabinet. My laptop is right there. Do I have e-mail? I am re-committing to make more of an effort in my home practice, but I think this is the year that I will add real, live classes.

I’ve actually been doing yoga semi-consistently for a couple years now (see past post about what yoga Means to me and how yoga can help with stress) but I can’t say I’ve progressed in my practice. So, in addition to “brown bagging it” I am going to enjoy feasting on classes with some regularity this year.

What does yoga mean to me?

I came across an article in the NYT that showed a side of yoga I don't really know. I mean, it's not that hard for me to see that this side would be out there, that it would exist, but I guess it's just not on my radar. It makes sense that anything people enjoy could also become a source for business and enterprise, but it's just not what yoga means to me.

The article opens saying "There is so much going on in John Friend’s life right now that an assistant once teased him about waking just before dawn and calling to ask for coffee, only to be reminded that he, Friend, was in Quito, Munich or Seoul, while the assistant was back at home base in the Woodlands, a cushy suburb north of Houston."

That's funny. Too busy, too crazy, scattered. The exact opposite of what yoga is supposed to be. To me.

I do yoga in any old comfortable clothes, in my house, with a DVD, while my kids plays around me. It brings me peace. It gets my blood flowing. It cleanses me, centers me, balances me. I need this. Alot.

I don't get the expensive classes, retreats and gear. Yoga is almost like brushing my teeth, but more special. Maybe it's like a religion, too. People go on religious retreats, I guess. But, for me, it's just a part of my day I really love that I need to use to keep me on track, mentally, physically and spiritually.