Why I am not trying to lose weight anymore

I'm not going to try and lose weight anymore. Almost two years after the birth of my daughter I still weight about 15 lbs. more than I did before my pregnancy. I've weighed less than I do now since giving birth, by about 5 lbs., only to gain it back. I've been appropriately active, going to the gym usually 5 days a week and running also on a 6th. My activity at the gym has varying degrees of intensity. Some weeks, when I was feeling tired, I would mostly ride the stationary bike for 45 minutes or so at a time while reading. Other times, I'd do what I feel are some pretty intense and fast runs of about 3 miles on the treadmill followed by decent weight training both with free weights and on the machines. I used to take classes, but felt out of place with the mostly 50-somethings and the moves were either too easy or sometimes too hard and the music was rarely just right. I even tried a stint with a trainer. Nothing seems to be working for me right now, though, and I think it's because maybe I am just not fat enough—and therefore not motivated enough.

You see, I think I look pretty good. Sure, about 75 percent of my clothes don't fit anymore, but I don't really go that many places where I need to wear size 6 trousers anymore. My stretchy size 8 Banana dark wash jeans work fine, as do my many pairs of yoga pants and various flowy skirts. I don't feel that bad because many of my old tops don't fit anymore either, so, its not just my gut and butt that are bigger, but my breasts, too. Yay, right? And I think the breast thing has much to do with my inability to shed the final 5-10...uh, 15 lbs. I am still breastfeeding. Everyone I hear says that once you stop breastfeeding, you typically lose that last 10 lbs. Well, I hope so. That would be cool. But, I am done worrying about it.

I know why I am not losing weight. It's because I eat like a maniac. Seriously. For whatever reason, being home all day with a toddler, for me, lends itself to wild eating binges. It's part boredom, part frustration and part because food is just so damn tasty. I will say I don't eat alot of "junk" food. I don't eat store-bought cookies or chips. I do make my own cookies, muffins and chips. I eat chips with salsa, chips with cheese sauce on occasion, chips with avocado. Lots of avocado. I eat banana pecan muffins and zucchini chocolate chip muffins. I eat breakfast burritos. I eat the baby's leftovers. I eat trail mix. I eat chocolate. I swig swigs of skim milk. I eat fruit. I eat the fruit the baby left behind. I eat carrots and hummus. Lots of hummus. I drink beer. Flavorful, heavy beer. I drink wine. I eat pasta. I eat fish. I eat salad. I eat cheese. I eat yogurt. I eat fries. I eat black beans. I eat pinto beans. I eat pizza. I eat the baby's goldfish crakcers. I eat air-popped popcorn. With butter.I eat it all. I just basically eat too much. Luckily, I have a good metabolism and I work out faithfully, so I am not obese and I look alright.

I know this can't go on forever, though. My metabolism is going to get slower as I get older, even with weight training. My threshold for pleasure is going to get higher. It always does unless you somehow check it. I think I am getting to the point where the eating has become a little manic. Like, oh, this is so good! How much can I really eat before I do get really fat? Or, I am not going to be penned into some anti-feminist skinny box and toe someone else's line of what looks good on a woman. Or, I like being a little bigger, and strong. Or, after watching The Pianist a few weeks ago, what if there is a war and I have to go without food, or live on very little food, for weeks or months? Wouldn't it be better if I was a little overweight, as an insurance policy? Then I could suffer the scarcity better. Uhm, okay, sure.

I know I have to somehow get a mature grip on my eating. I eat like a 16-year-old quarterback. I have to start eating like the late-30-something woman that I am. I recently read Naturally Thin by the NYC Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel and thought she made some really good points. She also advocates scooping out bread from bagels and throwing it away. She seems to do alot of "portion control" (read, "throwing food away"), as in eating "1/3 of an omelet". Come on, now? Am I going to eat 1/3 of an omelet? No. I am going to eat the damn omelet.

Still, I like what she says about quieting down the food noise. So many women think eating something is "bad" and not eating is being "good". Other examples of the food noise is how we are always thinking of food. I am like this. I go to bed looking forward to what I am going to eat when I wake up. Will it be one of those banana pecan muffins, warmed with pats of butter melting on them, or will it be a breakfast burrito? Mmmm. I like what she says about really savoring ones food, taking mindful bites. I like what she says about waiting til you really know what you want to eat before you start shoveling food into your face. I like her rule that says "You can have it all, just not all at once." But, we have different interpretations of this. For example, she says, you can have an egg with the yolk, or, if you want egg with cheese, you've got to throw away the yolk and have just the egg white with cheese. Now, I am not going to throw away a perfectly good egg yolk. That's just wrong. I even avoid recipes that call for using just whites or just yolks, although I did make some really good homemade pudding last year with just yolks (later found a use for the whites).

Of course, it's hard to savor food slowly when you are working on borrowed time with a toddler at the table and you want to try and have "family meals". But, I will try and do that more. And, I could use a healthy dose of increased mindfulness in everything I do, including eating. Also, it's hard not to eat leftovers of what you're feeding your toddler if it's something you like, such as avocado or macaroni and cheese or fries. But, more and more, I have been just giving her a portion of what I am eating instead of making her something separate, so that might help me in this area.

I called my mom the other night very upset about some stresses I was having with my kid. Something about "discipline", nursing, weaning. She talked me down and told me to make sure I do something for myself each day, no matter how small. Even if it is just enjoying a piece of chocolate or something. Ha ha. I told her, that's why I never lose weight. Food is about the only way I treat myself these days. She observed that weight loss will just have to wait then, that my mental health is more important. She understood that treating myself in other ways would require more free time, and that was just not something I had. So, that night, late, after my husband went to bed, I made myself the one mini frozen lava cake from Trader Joe's that we had left over from his mom's birthday celebration (they wanted store-bought) and savored it slowly, on my own, with a glass of skim milk. Next day, as I mentioned in another post, my child and I made chocolate chip cookies. A big batch. It was pure pleasure and I ate ALOT of them. That said, I think I may be getting this conspicuous consumption of food out of my system. It's just not thrilling me that much anymore because of my excesses. It just may be part of my journey on the path to balance.

The old cliché goes that if you want to find love, stop looking...so maybe the same applies to weight loss. So, I am going to just stop trying.