*Really* clearing out the clutter

I thought after wrapping up my auction responsibilities I'd feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, but it wasn't that simple. I had lingering anxieties the rest of the day after dropping the goods off, and they lingered into the weekend, just not feeling that well. Now, of course I don't attribute all of that (or much at this point) to the auction. But I have to cut it away and move on, and with this, I will finish up this blog.

"Mommy Blogs" were featured in a recent New York Times piece on its Motherlode blog and it was neat to read, sort of; sort of depressing, too. I don't feel like I gained any sense of community from my blogging and it really only took time away from me being with my child, earning money or doing other things IRL (that's "in real life" for those few who may still be unfamiliar with the parlance). At times, maybe it's been therapeutic, at times, it's just been an exercise in me spouting forth my oh-so-superior opinion, cushioned gently with the occasional lament that I know nothing.

Well, enough! My kid is almost three. I like doing actual stuff with her. And when I'm not doing stuff with her I need to be either working out or working toward building my business or professional skills so I can ramp up in a couple years when she's in kindergarten. And if not those activities, I need to be all namaste and stuff, working on loving my fellow (wo)man. Being absorbed in the mommy blogosphere does not lend itself to these pursuits, for me. On top of that, it actually is bad for me, I think. I feel isolated and embarrassed (before whom, I don't know) of my obsession to always check to see if there are any hot issues being discussed about which I might insert my wonderful opinion. And where does it get me? More often that not people complain that my opinion is too harsh or too strong or I express it the wrong way or whatever.

The places I frequent online seem like they're just filled with women who want their weaknesses validated and they don't want any real discourse on issues. People just want everyone to be nice. It's not OK to think that moms, if at all possible, should breastfeed from their breast, as long as possible. It's not OK to think that moms, if at all possible, should stay home with their pre-school age children. Everyone is all about validating everyone's choices. Well, to me, that's BORING. So I am done. I'm going to try and nurture some friendships close to home for me and my daughter, with the few people left around here who are actually home during the day. (Many of my friends work, bless them, because they have to...but that does leave me kinda lonely and I am a little pissed for that.)

I went for a long, long run yesterday, mostly in the rain. It was like 18 miles or so. I was supposed to do 20, but my feet ended up being completely wet and they were starting to hurt in a blistery kind of way. I kept thinking while I was running that I need to let the rain wash away my sense of something-not-quite-right, anxiety or whatever it was I was feeling. It sort of did, but now I have to take a definitive step on my own. And, really, it's mostly for me, because, if there's one thing I can guess after seeing the myriad mommy blogs posted in the comments of the NYT story it's that nobody cares. But, that's cool.

So now for a few last thoughts:

1) Yesterday, I started reading a book that's now a couple years old called "The Maternal is Political." I want to try and understand other women more, but so far it's just made me angry. The second chapter, I think, was a DC professional who'd hired a nanny from Bolivia and she was going on about how immigration is a mothers' issue and how it's turned her, a white suburban girl into an activist. She said she needed this Bolivian nanny as much as the nanny needed her. She told of how this nanny had left her country and her own child so she could come to the U.S. and try to cobble together a better life for them. The nanny had left an abusive husband and left her daughter with her grandparents. Now, I hesitate to judge that nanny. She had a desperate situation and she did the best she could, I suppose. But the thing that struck me about it was this DC professional who'd said in her essay that the nanny was doing all this very important stuff for her child. It's the nanny who "...rocks her to sleep, calms her fears and swings her high in the air"...has instilled in her the joy of a good belly laugh, the abandon of dancing the salsa, the knowledge of how to ride the bus across town, the thrilling terror of a new adventure..." It's the nanny who "...taught [her] the pledge of allegiance...rehearsed with [her] the name of our president, the colors of our flag..." All this makes me feel sad and weird. Both women felt that they had something more important to do than raise their own children. And this is something I simply do not understand. And I can't write about it anymore because I sound cruel, and I'm not a cruel person. But I just don't understand it. So I need to move away from it.

2) I am lonely. I am mad that there aren't more stay at home moms/work at home moms for me to connect with. But, I blame myself for not finding them, so I am turning my efforts toward that and away from the internet.

3) I am cured of any "depression" or mental issues I may have been bothered by in the past few years. I think that maybe it was all part of becoming a mom and also that it's often pretty challenging to have a baby and care for a baby. I'm not foolish enough to think that my parenting and/or life challenges are over, but to anyone still reading this, who may be going through craziness with a, say, 1.5 to 2.5 year old...I'd say, it gets alot easier. Well, at least for me it did! And now, I am going to go enjoy it.