Thoughts on a very long run today

Today was a challenge.

I ran a marathon. My time was slower than I'd hoped. Probably slower than I could have done if I tried harder, now, looking back. But, I am happy. I am glad it's over so now I can just go back to running more normal distances and perhaps just enjoy running more without this big...event...or goal...looming before me.

I did not sleep well the night before the race. The hotel room made all kinds of weird mechanical sounds, as hotel rooms usually do. I am very sensitive to these buzzings, clickings, whooshings. I didn't want to wear earplugs, though, because I didn't want to miss the sound of my alarm. Also, wearing earplugs makes me feel too vulnerable. I'd want to be able to hear and wake up if something was wrong. In addition to that, husband was sniffling loudly, and what seemed to me to be obnoxiously, all. night. long. My kid tossed and turned and proclaimed she didn't love me for quite some time before falling asleep, only to wake up with a coughing fit around 4 am, proclaiming that, yes, she does love me. (This actually warmed my heart and I didn't mind. She is my baby, after all.) Then there was the dog's chains. Since husband was sniffling and stirring, he trusty sidekick was constantly on the alert as well. It was awful.

So, I headed out to do this race and I tried to keep a happy mood, or make a happy mood, this cold, cold morning, heading to the race start, in shorts, alone, in the dark. Standing around in the crowd, waiting for the inexplicably delayed start, a muscle in my back and neck out of nowhere tensed up. I figured, it's a long race, I'll just work through the pain.

I started the race uneventfully and slogged on through. People always pass me in droves at the beginning of these races. People I know I will pass at some point later. I am not the fastest, but I am good at pacing myself. My thing is I never, ever, spend it all. I always save something for the end. I've always got a little left. Today was no different. I seriously contemplated skipping out of this thing at the half-marathon point. I was tired from lack of sleep, feeling down, I just didn't see the point of going through all this. I though about how I could make a legitimate quick answer for people who asked how I did. I'd say, "Eh, I wasn't feeling well, so I decided to just make it a half." Thing is, people don't really do that. I knew I'd feel like a big loser if I did that, and I'd always have "that time I dropped out of the marathon halfway through." So, I told myself I could go as slow as I needed to in order to keep myself from feeling pain and from suffering too much. It's hard to conquer that thought process when you're still in the single digits...mile 7, 8, 9 and you just want to stop at 13. But, once you get to 13, you can tell yourself, "OK, I survived. I just have to do that, again, one time, and I'll be done." And that is just what I did.

I worked through alot of thoughts and emotions during those 26.2 miles today. I had alot of anger. I was angry at my family for keeping me awake. I was angry at my fellow man, my fellow runners in this race for lots of petty little things that didn't matter. They were wearing headphones. The rules explicitly said "NO HEADPHONES." They were senselessly chattering about useless and petty things. One young college-age girl was going on about what the problem with healthcare in America today was. Like she had it all figured out. Some conversations I eavesdropped were interesting, though, and helped keep me going by taking my mind of things for a bit. A woman was working for a medical device company developing some device for blown out knees. Another was a 1st grade teacher in the D.C. public school system. A man told of how he liked to move every 5 or 6 years because life got stale. Faster people passed me. Slower people fell behind me. People who didn't know pacing kept passing and kept later falling behind. And then there were the walkers. They'd walk, then run and catch up, then walk again. And on and on. My view is you don't walk. You run. Even if you run slowly like me. You run.

What I came to realize in this marathon is that I had to run my own race. Today's race. For me. The race I ran today was all about just keeping on as best as I could. I wasn't trying to hit any personal best. I wasn't trying to be a shining star athlete today. No. I was just basically trying to survive. It didn't hurt too much because I just didn't let it. And for me, that was a really fun and gratifying way to run the race today. I enjoyed seeing how slow I could go without being ridiculous, but while not really being in pain or pushing. I never really was winded or breathing hard. It's the bones and muscles of my body that ached. I couldn't help but think, again, just like I did on so many of my training runs, that all this would be easier if I lost a little weight.

I became re-acquainted with the fact that there are many ways to do things. I know this from graphic design and art applications. There are often many ways to accomplish the same goal, different tools to use, different techniques, to do the same thing. Same for running, same for life. For me today, the tools for finishing the race were just to go slow and steady and keep on keepin' on. For someone else, it was different. Today may have been there day to go faster. They may always be faster, or they may someday decide that being fast wasn't what interested them that day. Like me today. I learned that it is much more relaxing and freeing and pleasing to let go of thoughts that dictate something's got to be done a certain way.

One reason I didn't quit at the half was just purely because I had no definite place to go or thing to do. My husband and kid would be out getting bagels or at a playground, waiting to meet me at the end of the marathon, a couple hours later. I thought maybe I could just go back to the hotel room and sleep. But they would be there. I loved them, but I was still annoyed with them. I needed to be alone (albeit in a crowd of runners) for a while longer. I needed to think more. I thought about how I just want to be nice and loving to my family. I thought about how marathons are alot like life. You have good days. You have bad days. There will always be people "better" than you and there will always be people "worse." You just have to know yourself, your pace, what you can do, and sometimes push and sometimes don't, but you have to know yourself enough to know when to do which.

It was really freeing to be able to take the relaxed approach I took to the marathon today. Made me think I could try fighting less and resisting less in day to day life, as well, especially dealings with my preschooler, and to some extent my husband and the whole world.