I remember when I was about 12 an incident that ended up with me being grabbed by the shirt, slammed into a kitchen wall, smacked around and yelled at, by my dad, for wanting to wear my shirt tails untucked from my pants. This was the style at the time--mid 80s. I'm sure by then my dad was fed up with my appropriation of the "New Wave" look, a girl wearing silly skinny ties and chopping my hair on top more and more so it would spike better. The poor man probably didn't know what to think. I remember wanting a handcuff belt and it being totally forbidden, but it never being explained why I couldn't--or shouldn't--wear one. During the shirt-tail-wall-slam incident he expressed anger that I wanted to dress like a slob. This was somewhat confusing to me because we were a working-class, informal family. Looking back, maybe that's why it was so sensitive, he didn't want me looking like a working-class "slob"? But he was not one for putting on airs. I told him that that was "the look"--"casual". He flashed his dick in a fury and said, "Casual? I'll show you casual!" I think this might have been when mom stepped in. She wasn't a big stepper-inner.
Anyway, my dad is alright. He did some deplorable things, sure, but we've moved on and despite what some may think of the flashing incident, he wasn't sexually abusive, in my view. He never laid a hand on me in that way. I think his outburst was just pure dramatic frustration. I am sure he is very, very sorry.
But, it's not without reason that I still cry pretty much every time I hear the song "Daughters" by John Mayer. Say what you want about Mayer, but that is a great song. It makes me remember the things that went wrong for me growing up, it inspires me to not have these things go wrong with my own child...and, sadly, it makes me regret mistakes I have already made in just few short years of parenting. I can totally see why my dad lost his temper. Children can be really annoying. If you are not on your game, feeling in control, sure of yourself and your place in the world, it's probably easy to lash out at them for being annoying, seeming ungrateful or disrespectful. I remember my dad sometimes yelled at me and even spanked me for "my attitude". This was at age 10 or 11, and I remember really, truly not knowing what the hell he meant when he scolded me about "my attitude", so it wasn't like I was consciously being a smart ass to him. I guess he just interpreted it that way? This is something I never want to do with my child. I think it helps to always assume the best of people, maybe.
Challenges now, for me, are seemingly straightforward, including things like not wanting to pick up toys, not wanting to cooperate for bedtime preparation, or getting dressed or ready to go somewhere. Typically preschool "I'm flexing my independence" stuff. Overall, though, mine is a good girl, not malicious, not very sneaky (she has been known to hide in her room and give herself marker tattoos, which I have told her not to do before school). When I am feeling good, I take it all in stride, when I am not, sometimes I don't respond as I should. I know, though, that it is really on me and it's my job to be in control---not of her, but of my emotions and my reactions to her.
What about future challenges? I read some good posts on Babble the other day that relate to this. One is a mom's reflections on her own childhood, how she felt back then, and a reminder to herself that kids are people. They have their own feelings and desires and we should honor them as much as we can. This goes for teens, of course, and on down to the little ones. I think lots of people forget that babies, toddlers...they have feelings that we should honor. Maybe they don't feel like eating X today. Does it really matter so much if we cajole them to eat X as long as they generally eat well? Does it really matter if they don't want to take a nap? Maybe they aren't tired anymore. Of course, maybe they are and are just too wound up to know it, in which case mama has to do her best to set the stage and encourage the nap. But, I digress.
Another post loops back around to the issue of teen girls (or pre-teen in this case) and sexy clothes. The Babble post refers to a CNN blogger who comments that it is the parents' job to make sure their girls aren't dressed too sexy. The Babble post raises really interesting questions about who the onus is on---why is it so much on girls not to look too sexy but boys (and men!) are looked on as being unable to help what they think or do because of the way the girls are dressed? Nobody wants to dig into why girls may want to dress a certain way or not. It is some marketing, but it's not all marketing. There's their own feelings, their own explorations of who they are and what they want to be in the mix, but that is pushed back as a topic of discussion because what's most important seems to be making sure they aren't too sexually appealing or tempting to men.
My parents could have explained to me why I shouldn't be wearing a handcuff belt. I was 12, I think that's old enough to know. It's ugly, maybe, but it would have been a good teachable moment. In case you don't know why a 12 year old shouldn't wear a handcuff belt, I would say it's because it does very much have sexual overtones--the whole S&M association, and even worse, taking that association further to the fact that it would have been a child wearing that, you have the sickening issue of child trafficking and that whole mess. No wonder my dad was freaked the fuck out by this! But at that time, neither of my parents were college-educated, they were fairly young, as parents go, and I'm sure he just didn't have the nuts and bolts skills to talk to his 12 year old daughter about such things, so he just blew up in frustration. I understand. On the other hand, if he would have just treated me like a person, approaching me with some empathy, or pity, that I, as a child, had no idea what this was all about and yet here I was, in this culture, being exposed to things I didn't understand...I don't know if that takes a high level of education or just, really empathy and effort. I'm not here to judge the past, though, just to try and learn from it so I can take a cleaner path with my child.
So it's funny while concurrently pondering all this, I stumbled, too upon the catchy song "Teenage Dream." In all this, though, I try to hold on to the idea that if I am compassionate and thoughtful and treat my daughter like a person, it might just all end up OK.
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