So much ambivalance

I work from home doing consulting, so I guess my story is a little different. And my husband has pretty extreme job security. And, we saved big time for several years before having a kid so could live off our savings for over a year if we had to…yeah, unique in this economy, I suppose, but at the same time, nothing a little planning couldn’t provide many people. I think it’s a little over-stated the myth of how far back you’ll be staying home for a few years…if you can work part time from home, or you can read up/study/keep in the loop in your profession (which you should) maybe do some pro bono or volunteer work that relates to your field, you will be alright. No, you haven’t been on the climb those years you’re out, but you still have a foot in the game. Of course, there are myriad different situations people have and I’m in no position to justify or give advice to all of them, I just think that in this day and age too many people *assume* they have to do the childcare thing when, if they thought things through, they really may not have to. Also, I’m not one to hedge bets on my marriage failing (another big argument the feminists have). In my life, I “go all in”. I go all in to my marriage, I go all in with my kid. I don’t hedge my bets.

So I was thinking about my last post and rereading and realize that maybe I am a big a-hole. It does sound like I live a pretty charmed and easy life. So I am going to just shut up. Maybe other people don’t have it so easy (much of which I think they may bring upon themselves…but I don’t know and I should not judge). So, OK, work if you want, formula feed, whatever, sleep train. It’s not for me, but I’m not you…

Why is talk of our children 'taboo' in the business world?

I'm a "work at home" mom to a young one now, but someday, when my kid's a little older I will probably go back to being a salary slave to someone else's operation, unless I decide to grow my business and continue working for myself. So, I really enjoyed these musings in the Wash Post about "one of the deep cultural rifts of our time"...where the write notes that "the business of raising humans is an inextricable part of our daily world, whether we're parents or not. And, too often, we shun writing or even talking about it because our workplace culture doesn't want to hear that every coin has two sides." I'm beginning to see things in new ways myself...

Yeah.

Is motherhood a form of oppression?

OK...so I just had to resurface to address this latest blip on the madness meter:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article7070165.ece

First let me answer: NO

I felt like I had to at least acknowledge and express my eye rolling displeasure at this, especially having hinted at the notion that maybe the French have some better insights on life than we Americans. And my always reverential recollection of Paul Krugman's column from a few years ago espousing 'French Family Values'...I am now doubting this...but should we really generalize, anyway?

I think this old bat, Elisabeth Badinter is full of 'merde'. Maybe me being German and Lithuanian predisposes me to the die mutter/earth mother archetype, but it's what makes me happy.

What's oppressive is an economy that makes it "necessary" for two adults to work full time to run a middle-class household...I blame bad policy making and I blame feminism to some extent.

No Western women are oppressed by motherhood! What a joke. You want to go back to work, you go. You want to formula-feed, or combo-feed or whatever, fine. Disposable diapers are still on the shelves and easily had. What's the problem? People do exactly what they want to do.

I am one of the crunchy types who finds great happiness in having breastfed my kid past two years old, never used a pump, just brought her everywhere in my cool sling til I was comfortable leaving her with a sitter, worked from home part time, co-slept (in her bed, separate from the bed I share with my husband) and who switched to cloth diapers after getting acclimated to the baby first. It's all been no big deal. Some women just whine about everything. Challenging at times, sure, but I enjoyed my beer and wine once she was a couple months old (wasn't sure about drinking while breastfeeding a newborn) and have always had an active sex life w my husband (thank you natural birth/no episiotomy/quick recovery).

I think Madame Badinter has a very outdated view of motherhood! Feminism, man-hating and baby-hating is so ugly!

What is most troubling to me, and I have to say, a little surprising, is all the comments on various U.S. websites that are sympathetic to what she is saying, other than the smoking, of course, and feel so oppressed by the crunchy/AP-leaning parenting "culture". I don't understand why people would feel oppressed by what is a minority movement at best. Furthermore, I don't understand what is so hard about these things, anyway. Not every day is a picnic, but why are women always so put upon. Lighten the fuck up!

You want to get heavy about something, take a look at places where women are truly oppressed...like, kept from going to school, raped by militias when they're going to get water for their families, where the legal system makes is OK for their families to kill them if they're dishonored. These Western feminists should be ashamed.

*Really* clearing out the clutter

I thought after wrapping up my auction responsibilities I'd feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, but it wasn't that simple. I had lingering anxieties the rest of the day after dropping the goods off, and they lingered into the weekend, just not feeling that well. Now, of course I don't attribute all of that (or much at this point) to the auction. But I have to cut it away and move on, and with this, I will finish up this blog.

"Mommy Blogs" were featured in a recent New York Times piece on its Motherlode blog and it was neat to read, sort of; sort of depressing, too. I don't feel like I gained any sense of community from my blogging and it really only took time away from me being with my child, earning money or doing other things IRL (that's "in real life" for those few who may still be unfamiliar with the parlance). At times, maybe it's been therapeutic, at times, it's just been an exercise in me spouting forth my oh-so-superior opinion, cushioned gently with the occasional lament that I know nothing.

Well, enough! My kid is almost three. I like doing actual stuff with her. And when I'm not doing stuff with her I need to be either working out or working toward building my business or professional skills so I can ramp up in a couple years when she's in kindergarten. And if not those activities, I need to be all namaste and stuff, working on loving my fellow (wo)man. Being absorbed in the mommy blogosphere does not lend itself to these pursuits, for me. On top of that, it actually is bad for me, I think. I feel isolated and embarrassed (before whom, I don't know) of my obsession to always check to see if there are any hot issues being discussed about which I might insert my wonderful opinion. And where does it get me? More often that not people complain that my opinion is too harsh or too strong or I express it the wrong way or whatever.

The places I frequent online seem like they're just filled with women who want their weaknesses validated and they don't want any real discourse on issues. People just want everyone to be nice. It's not OK to think that moms, if at all possible, should breastfeed from their breast, as long as possible. It's not OK to think that moms, if at all possible, should stay home with their pre-school age children. Everyone is all about validating everyone's choices. Well, to me, that's BORING. So I am done. I'm going to try and nurture some friendships close to home for me and my daughter, with the few people left around here who are actually home during the day. (Many of my friends work, bless them, because they have to...but that does leave me kinda lonely and I am a little pissed for that.)

I went for a long, long run yesterday, mostly in the rain. It was like 18 miles or so. I was supposed to do 20, but my feet ended up being completely wet and they were starting to hurt in a blistery kind of way. I kept thinking while I was running that I need to let the rain wash away my sense of something-not-quite-right, anxiety or whatever it was I was feeling. It sort of did, but now I have to take a definitive step on my own. And, really, it's mostly for me, because, if there's one thing I can guess after seeing the myriad mommy blogs posted in the comments of the NYT story it's that nobody cares. But, that's cool.

So now for a few last thoughts:

1) Yesterday, I started reading a book that's now a couple years old called "The Maternal is Political." I want to try and understand other women more, but so far it's just made me angry. The second chapter, I think, was a DC professional who'd hired a nanny from Bolivia and she was going on about how immigration is a mothers' issue and how it's turned her, a white suburban girl into an activist. She said she needed this Bolivian nanny as much as the nanny needed her. She told of how this nanny had left her country and her own child so she could come to the U.S. and try to cobble together a better life for them. The nanny had left an abusive husband and left her daughter with her grandparents. Now, I hesitate to judge that nanny. She had a desperate situation and she did the best she could, I suppose. But the thing that struck me about it was this DC professional who'd said in her essay that the nanny was doing all this very important stuff for her child. It's the nanny who "...rocks her to sleep, calms her fears and swings her high in the air"...has instilled in her the joy of a good belly laugh, the abandon of dancing the salsa, the knowledge of how to ride the bus across town, the thrilling terror of a new adventure..." It's the nanny who "...taught [her] the pledge of allegiance...rehearsed with [her] the name of our president, the colors of our flag..." All this makes me feel sad and weird. Both women felt that they had something more important to do than raise their own children. And this is something I simply do not understand. And I can't write about it anymore because I sound cruel, and I'm not a cruel person. But I just don't understand it. So I need to move away from it.

2) I am lonely. I am mad that there aren't more stay at home moms/work at home moms for me to connect with. But, I blame myself for not finding them, so I am turning my efforts toward that and away from the internet.

3) I am cured of any "depression" or mental issues I may have been bothered by in the past few years. I think that maybe it was all part of becoming a mom and also that it's often pretty challenging to have a baby and care for a baby. I'm not foolish enough to think that my parenting and/or life challenges are over, but to anyone still reading this, who may be going through craziness with a, say, 1.5 to 2.5 year old...I'd say, it gets alot easier. Well, at least for me it did! And now, I am going to go enjoy it.

Clearing out the clutter: UPDATE

Well, here is a picture of my work over the last couple of hours (and some more yesterday putting together the crazy box and arranging the stuff...and moving the baby car seat and bench seat in our car to make sure the damn thing will fit).


I have to say I am a little bit proud and feel kind of tender toward it. Maybe some people like stuff like this and will enjoy it. OK. I am not really a crafty person. I like to work on computers, not with poster board and glue and all that it took to make this look like it does. And, it's not that great...it's a little amateurish. But, I think it will go over well. So, maybe I should just have a nicer attitude about it all. I even had some chances to engage my kid while I worked on it, thank goodness.

Clearing out the clutter

In my living room right now is a 63 gallon deck storage box filled with a bunch of plastic toys and other junk. All this stuff was donated by parents of my kid's preschool class for a fund-raising auction I have been gradually roped into doing more and more tasks for. Soon, it will be gone from my living room, and I can't wait—but first I have to decorate it.

Now, as I blogged about before, I am all for getting involved in the kids' schools and lending a helping hand. And, really, at the end of the day, having all this crap in my house for a week or so, schlepping to the store for supplies to round it out and schlepping it to the country club (gag!) to drop it off is really not that big of a deal. But, I have to admit, the focus on all the stuff is rubbing me the wrong way, and I question whether the results are everything I would hope for.

I wrote in my past post about how participating in these school activities builds community, but I guess I am a little disappointed in how that's been working out this time around. I was left off a key e-mail about an early meeting and then brought in at the last minute. And, a couple times when I've seen these moms who are in charge of this at school, who know each other better than me, they still continue to talk amongst themselves without making an effort to give me an entreé into the conversation. One just barrels around blabbing on her cell phone and gives a nod. OK. Now I know I am sounding like one of those overly sensitive women that annoy me so much, but I'm just sayin'.

I got involved in this thing in the first place because one of my friends/acquaintances in the neighborhood mentioned that they needed someone to do graphic design for save-the-date postcards and the auction catalog. I thought it would be a fun way to get involved and help and also give some exposure to my business. I would also agree to try and get the materials printed for free or deeply discounted through my business contacts.

At the first meeting I went to, red flags went off in my head as I sat through an explanation of how committee members are supposed to go forth into the community and solicit donations. Not my thing. They said you could ask for donations at all the places you usually went shopping, or where you got your hair cut or massages, etc. They mentioned you could give things away that you might have two of. For example one lady got her parents a GPS for Christmas, but it turned out they already had one so maybe she would donate this $150 GPS. (I get my hair cut about three times a year and a massage maybe once or twice a year, maybe. And I don't buy my parents $150 gifts and if I had an extra one, I'd return it and get my money back. Who are these people, I wondered. What kind of wild-spending bourgeois crowd am I posing in?) They also said on the day of the auction they all hire babysitters (often their husbands take the day off work, they say...seriously????) so they can set up. I knew right then and there that that level of involvement would not be for me, but I still wanted to help with the graphics. I said as much, very politely, but somehow I got cajoled into soliciting donations and coordinating the aforementioned class "basket" of plastic junk, as well. No problem, whatev. But, I am not doing set up day of. I have paid client work I need to do! Once I get rid of this box and deliver the catalogs I coordinated, I am done. I am superwoman and can always find time to do my part. Many of these ladies are doing so much more. But, I say, each person makes a choice of what they want to do, each person should be able to give of their time and talents as they see appropriate. So, I will not be doing anything other than the graphics next year, if asked, and I will stand firm.

Now, back to the stuff. This is my real philosophical problem with the whole event. Like I said, I can deal with the stupid busy-work and things that aren't really me or my style. But, the attainment and exchange of all this junk just bugs me like crazy. Does anyone really need $200 worth of random plastic yard toys, balls, bubbles, chintzy glassware, drink mix, and more plastic, plastic, plastic stuff in their lives? (And that's just one class basket, there is so much more!) I guess they do because those involved seem stoked about this, unless they are just faking it like me. The whole notion of shopping as entertainment, which is what an auction of this sort is about, also is something I don't like. It's like a bunch of people with too much wealth are just shuffling their wealth back and forth. If the school needs money, aren't there other things we can do that are more satisfying? Or, maybe they could just raise the tuition a little and we could do other activities together as moms that would be more edifying—maybe like simple things, like volunteering in a way that could involve our kids more and teach them and all of us about other people who might actually need stuff?

A final thing about this that's gotten on my nerves is that its taken time away from me spending it with my child. And, after all, that's the most important thing to me.

I'm probably just being bitchy. But that's me, and I'm entitled. I am also entitled after this learning experience of participation this year, to clear the clutter from my life—both literally and metaphorically—and opt not to do it next year.

Yoga mats won't solve your stress issues—but actually DOING yoga might

I came across a post on Slate's Double X blog the other day that was a great intersection of some of my most keen interests—work-life balance, feminism and yoga! The headline was "Yoga Mats Won't Solve Your Stress Issues" and the HTML title to the web page was "Buying things won't keep you from stressing out"; both intriguing titles that may misrepresent the point the poster was trying to make, but that play nicely into a point I would make.

First, about the post: It springboards from a recent New York Times Magazine piece, "Depression’s Upside," arguing that the contemporary norm of alleviating the discomfort of depression through drugs short-cuts the important problem-solving process we need to go through to attack why we’re sad. The post asks "Could the same be said about stress?" And points to an article in Feminism & Psychology that makes a similar case—that efforts to stamp out women's stress ignores the very real problems that are stressing us out, namely working for a living while running a household. What's more, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, so women's stress also can have deleterious effects on the kids and husbands in our lives.

Double X's post says "She’s got to remain calm at all costs. Thus, responsible women are on a perpetual quest for so-called 'balance,' which, of course, is impossible to achieve." And, according to the Fem/Psych piece, society is telling women they can resolve work-family tensions by fixing themselves. “As long as women are increasingly helped to view stress—and their own emotional reactions to it—as the enemy to be vanquished, possibilities for widespread social critique and social action will be effaced.” Double X says, "Women see their stress as a personal problem and not a structural one, such as lack of family friendly workplace policies or affordable housing... it would be nice if the few things that busy women did for themselves [to relieve their stress] weren’t regarded as a new category of 'work.'"

Now, I agree that women, working moms in particular, are stressed. Who could deny that? Recent pieces/blogs in the Washington Post and New York Times dealt with this, and I became fully absorbed in them, almost like watching a horror movie, reading about these tales of endless days, endless chores and no light at the end of the tunnel. A big feature in the Washington Post magazine really delved into the harried lives of working moms, with one woman's personal account of where her time goes. Especially troubling was the Washington Post piece talking about how some people actually lose money by working, by the time they are done paying for childcare. Ouch! Thing is, I am one of the lucky ones, as I am not particularly stressed, anymore.

How did I become un-stressed? I have to credit yoga. It could be something else, too, but I do think yoga has so much to do with it and its the biggest, most clear change I've made. Ever since January of this year, I've been doing about a half hour of yoga 5-6 mornings a week (basically just skipping the day I go running for 2-3 hours, because I just feel too selfish doing all that). It makes alot of difference in my mood. You may remember, I had some rough times with stress previously then finally recognized that things were getting really bad late last year (although I approached that post mostly with good humor). I started out doing yoga as a tool for my weight loss efforts because I thought that doing something to focus my mind and my intentions for the day before mindlessly stuffing random food into my mouth for breakfast would help me make better food choices. Also, it would be a way to start the day with at least a little exercise that would be OK if it was interrupted by my small child (unlike cardio and such, where you need to keep your heart rate up, etc.) And, maybe, just maybe by kid would join with me in some of the poses or at least the spirit of it, and it would be a togetherness thing. It all worked out just like I hoped.

Of course, my child sometimes interrupts me when I'm doing yoga, but as a general rule, I don't stop what I'm doing unless it's an emergency or it's during a transitional pose or something really quick. I do talk to her, if she talks to me, responding to her chatter and such, but it's all very pleasant and I still feel that I reap the benefits of doing yoga. I still am moving my body in a deliberate, yet flowing, way, that stretches me physically, emotionally and mentally and makes me feel so good. I still am paying attention to my breath. I still know I am doing something with a centuries-old, sacred tradition and that if I am going to be mean or bitchy or petty that that is dishonoring this tradition. The tradition of yoga reminds me, with its opening and closing greeting or wish "namaste" that I am part of the universe and all of the universe is within me, and so I better be nice and not hate because what I am hating is in me, too. But I don't think of all this consciously at the surface, it's just kind of there, deep within. And no, I am not perfect. I still lose my temper with my kid sometimes and I still bitch at my husband, but I do it much less and I feel I am on a gentle ramp up to more peace and acceptance as each day goes along.

It took me a long time to like yoga. I tried it many times in various forms and it never really took completely til recently. I think its because this was when my life needed it most, and, because I found a really good, capsulized routine that worked for me. I had the DVD for a few years and tried it now and then, but only recently did it click. For me, it's the perfect routine because it's simple enough for me to lose myself in the breaths and the flow, but it's athletic enough for me to actually feel things and the poses aren't held too long to the point of boredom or discomfort. That, and the fact that it's only about 40 minutes, and there are decent breaks in the flow at 20 minutes, 25 minutes and 30 and 35 minutes, if you have less time. The DVD is the Crunch Perfect Yoga Workout and I do the "Fat Burning" one. Seriously. I love it.

Doing something specific for yourself that takes you out of your usual mode and that you know if good for you can do wonders for your attitude and can give you alot of hope. For me, this is yoga. For someone who doesn't run already, it could be running. (I already ran and so I needed something else, and something with a more spiritual side, although I can find alot of peace in running, too.) I would argue that every person, no matter how busy, can find a half hour a day if they want to.

As to the idea that yoga or other earnest forms of stress-relief are just a band-aid and don't solve the real social problems that are at the core of why women are so stressed, I'd say that you still have to make it through the day. And frankly, when I dwell too much on the large problems of the world, that gets me down and I feel helpless. Let's face it, some of these things are just too big, too complicated, and we have to make it through the day and try to do it with some joy and grace, right? We do need to take care of ourselves first, and at the same time we need to be tuned in to the fact that if we are, honestly, stressed out all the time, that it's just not sustainable. I do believe in working toward bigger social goals that we may be interested in, like gentler workplace policies (for all people, not just families, everyone needs work-life balance) but in the mean time, we do need to take care of ourselves. And, perhaps dropping out a little from the rat race, whenever and wherever possible, instead of this madness of always striving for more and keeping up with the Joneses, is a way of passive resistance that can, over time, effect social change. Maybe doing yoga or participating in some other kind of mindful practice that has nothing to do with paying the bills or keeping up in society would provide the mental cleanse women needed to empower themselves further. Just think, if all these stressed out working moms just said NO, all at once, to being over-extended, what would happen?

Full disclosure: To many, I may not qualify as a woman who would be stressed out, so my reflections may be discounted. On the other hand, my situation may also be viewed as an example of what might be, if one so chose. I do not work full time outside the home at this point in my life. I have a pre-school age child and I work part-time from home. I do not outsource childcare, but she does attend a low-key neighborhood preschool 8 hours a week. I work on average 15 hours a week, sometimes up to 20. For this, I recognize, I am pretty lucky. At the same time, I worked to set the situation up, and, we live a little differently than some peers who have two full-time incomes. On the other hand, in this economy, we are also better off than many who are scrambling to get by on two full-time incomes. It's not for me to solve all the complicated issues at play in the world, just for me to do the best I can within my own framework and approach others with compassion and understanding.

Some things never change, but maybe they should

It's been a while since I've blogged here. I have been working hard on work-work and weight loss and other things. Even though I previously said here I was no longer trying to lose weight (of course, at that time, I was about 15 lbs less than when I reached my most dreadful weight, just shy of my full-term pregnancy poundage, in November 2009) I came into it again with new fervor and have actually lost almost 20 lbs. since the end of 2009. I want to lose about 10-12 more and am on track to do so. It just took some brain-changing, mathematics and work. More on that later.

Now, back to why I want to blog again about mom stuff: I think I'm good at it.

I went back to read some of my posts after being reminded of the harder days of child raising—the period between 1 and 2 years old—by some other posts on Babble.com, mostly about Attachment Parenting (AP) and co-sleeping vs. sleep training. The poster was questioning her adherence to AP because she was having trouble with her 1 year old, and I knew what she meant, although I never really set out to criticize AP in my posts. Maybe because I was never a strict believer or adherent to "the faith." I've always been a mish-masher, take what you like from things, discard the rest kind of person, and its no different with my parenting style. I've made some mistakes, sure, but overall, I'm happy with the outcome so far. My daughter is pretty damn delightful, and a healthy mix of bright and exploratory with obedient when it really comes down to it.

But, that's another digression. Gotta get back in the practice of a focus, see. Anyway, this post is really just to say that I think I may start posting again. The reason I quit was because I was getting too worked up and embroiled in online discussions of stuff and then wanting to formulate essays springboarding from that and it was taking alot of energy and making me feel weird. Well, since quitting, I've still been getting embroiled in the discussions, but just have not taken the time to develop my own well-thought-out pieces on them. So it's been alot of unsatisfying wheel-spinning. I also thought I'd be spending more time blogging about the arts or design, but, there's not that much to say that interests me. I guess a thinking mom is what I've really become.

I do wonder why I am so opinionated about things. Why am I compelled to post on discussions about things. I mean, do I really care what someone else does? Maybe it's just a competition thing. I think my way is best, so you're gonna hear about it! Maybe it's trying to be evangelical about my way? But, really, part of me likes the fact that not everyone is going to be doing things the same way, so that we can have different outcomes and different people at the end of the day. And, so much of what I write I would never say to people. I guess that's pretty weak. What does it all mean?

As part of my changing, I've taken up yoga pretty earnestly. I do about a half hour 5-6 days a week. It has totally helped me be calmer, more thoughtful, more mindful of what's going on with me, so I can make better decisions about health issues (not shoveling food in my face) and how I treat my family. The family part has come more slowly, but I think I have improved. Now, I need to take it to the next level and be compassionate toward the strangers on the web, even as I still express my opinion.