Firing my trainer

I realize now that I was paying for someone to pay attention to me. After my free orientation at the gym with this woman, I was somehow talked into signing up for three personal training sessions. She listened to me talk about myself and my weight loss woes. About not having time to work out as much as I used to before the baby. About how I used to be so in shape. She was a mom, too. Maybe old enough to be my mom, almost. She knew what it was like to breastfeed for an extended period of time and how that affected weight retention and energy levels. She said I should make time for myself. I decided to go ahead and buy the three sessions with her and she said she’d make up a little gift pack that she usually gives to people who buy the sessions for someone else and it could be my gift to myself. Cool. I thought it might be nice and maybe there’d be some candy or coupons or a granola bar or some cute little thing with it. She seemed to know where I was coming from. Sort of.

There were red flags that I should have noticed. Things that should have tipped me off to the fact that we would not be a good fit. Like when she asked me if I wanted her to call my husband and tell him to get me the training three-pack for a Christmas gift. Uhm, no. I buy my own things, with my own money, thank you very much. And my husband would totally be like WTF if some lady called him saying this! Then she was telling me she had this “network” of people who provide services, like Mary Kay ladies, hairdressers and such. Because women need to put themselves first and take care of themselves. Blah blah blah. Of course, we need to do these things, but I think there is way too much talk about it. Just do what you need to do. Don’t make a religion of it. Besides, I don’t do Mary Kay. I am an Aveda girl. She also wouldn’t go along with me when I was telling her how fat and out of shape I was. She was being way too gentle. I wanted someone who would kick my ass. She told me I needed to stretch and do yoga. I told her I tried yoga so many times and I knew it wasn’t for me, so she let that go. Pilates? No. Boring. I am a blast-it-out, power, endurance kind of person. I basically just wanted someone to push me a little and make sure I was using the machines with good form. Someone to pay attention to me, too. She seemed to do that, so I ignored the flags and I went for it.

So, I signed up for the three sessions and gave her a try. Sadly, on the day of our first session, things felt differently. She was five minutes late. To me, that’s bad. She didn’t have her glasses—or any kind of plan for me. And she had coffee breath. She seemed tired and harried. She said she was worn out from being in class all weekend. I asked her what she was going for. She answered, personal training certification. Oh. Should you already be…uhm…forget it. Never mind. I wanted to tell her we could do this some other time, but I hesitated.

She started putting me through the paces. I’d already done my cardio warm up. Most of it was pretty standard stuff. Squats. Lunges. She kind of stared into space while I did my reps. Then I did some bicep and tricep stuff on the pulleys after she’d scrambled around less than expertly trying to set them up. She didn’t seem like she knew how to use them any more than I did. Things really got wacky when she had me doing this crazy wood-chopper exercise on the cable machines. She demonstrated and I tried to copy but I couldn’t do it. I got the concept, but I admitted to her I am not the most coordinated person. She kept barking “wrong!” when I did them. I tried again. “Wrong!” She said. After a few tries, I was almost in tears.

“Here” she demonstrated again. “It’s like chopping wood. You have to move your body and come down like this. Like if you were chopping wood, you’d come into it here. Not here.” Whatever. I am a 36-year-old woman office worker living in the DC suburbs. What do I know about chopping wood? And I suspect this woman knew no more about chopping wood than I did.. I just didn’t’ like her vibe at all. I told her we should find something else to do. This move was just not working for me. She said I might have to do it a hundred times to get it right, but then it would be good. I told her I didn’t have time to do something a hundred times. I only have an hour or so a day to work out and so I have to make the most of it. Her yelling “wrong!” did not help, either, but I kept that bit to myself.

So, we carried on. “What do you want me to show you, then?” She asked. “Since you don’t like cables?” Well, I never said I didn’t like cables, just not those weird wood-chopper exercises. “Uhm, I don’t know. When I had a trainer before, he just had a basic program for me of straightforward moves on the basic machines.” Ah, yes, good old Monzeil, my old trainer from DC. Young, hot, black man. I am still not sure why the gym had assigned this woman to me.

When I first called to redeem my free orientation, the trainer coordinator was like, “OK, you will be with Jodi (named changed to protect identity). You will recognize her right away. She is really peppy. She will be the one with Christmas bows in her hair or antlers or bells or something. She has lots of spirit.”

Uh huh. Another red flag I should have noticed.

“OK.” I answered. “Uhm, I’ll come in at 8:30 and run for a half hour and then meet with her at 9:00”

“Alright. Jodi will be there early, I’m sure, if she hears you are going to be there at 8:30. That’s just the kind of person she is. Bright and early.” He said.

“OK. Well, don’t have her interrupt my run. I’ll just go to her when I’m done.” Ha! She was so not early! As I mentioned before, she was late.

Anyway, when the first session was finally over, we made our next appointment. I dreaded seeing her again. The next session went a little better. She seemed to listen to the bit about me wanting to maximize my results in the time I had, but misunderstood the hour I mentioned for a half hour. So, she created a half-hour workout for me. I like the workout actually, but she still said all kinds of off-the-wall stuff when she was actually paying attention to me and not staring into space or talking to the manager about equipment or giving some lady on the stairmaster pointers on her form. When she had me do squats she was like, “Squat like a Korean at the marketplace. You know how they squat. Those Asians can squat. They are just made differently.” And somehow taking a dump was also brought into play to illustrate the depth my squat needed to take. O-K. I’m not all chichi or easily offended, but I don’t need to hear sweeping racial generalizations or bathroom references from someone I hardly know in order to do a proper squat. Also, it wasn’t challenging enough. It was good, but I wanted something that would really push me. To her credit, she kept asking me if I was doing OK during the workout, and I was always, like, “yes”. I think I may look more out of shape than I actually am!

I knew I could not see her again for the last session, so I put it off til that time frame that seems so distant during Christmastime…after the New Year.

I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I didn’t want to complain. I mean, she didn’t really do anything wrong. She just was not right for me. She was a tad bit unprofessional, but nothing serious. Maybe she was not even a real trainer yet? Still. I don’t want to mess up anyone’s business. It was only $80. I could forget about it and move on. But, I was not going to subject myself to her again.

I put her off once when she saw me at the gym, doing crunches on the incline bench. She hollered at me, interrupting me as well as her own client who she was currently in session with. “When do you want to do your last session?!?!”

“Uhm, I’m going to have to call you. I, uh, don’t have my calendar with me.”

Then, she phoned at 6 pm (dinnertime) a few days later. “When are you going to the gym next?” My kid cried in the background. “Oooh, is somebody tired?”

No! Someone is just being the whiny toddler that they are and wanting my attention while I am both trying to cook dinner and get off the phone with you! I thought.

I said, “No…uhm….I’m gonna have to call you back. Now’s not a good time.”

I hung up. “That woman drives me crazy.” I said.

“Who?” My husband asked.

“Oh nobody…I don’t want to talk about it,” I said. Hopefully he would think it was a client or something. That’s the only reason I even answered the phone—thinking it might be a client or my mom. I never told him about the whole debacle. I know it was my money, but I don’t think he’d be thrilled about me spending it on a trainer, and now I was so regretful and embarrassed that I did because she was so lame.

I wondered how I would avoid forever making that last appointment. I knew I had to face it and be up front with her. So I wrote her a note and planned to leave it at the front desk for her. I told her thanks for giving me some new ideas for my work outs, but I am going to pass on the last session. My free time is just so precious and rare right now that I just want my time at the gym to be my refuge, just to go in and do what I do, get in the zone, etc. etc. etc. I pondered what she might think. Had she sensed my lack of enthusiasm about her, or was I sufficiently sunny and fake enough? Why was I faking for someone I was paying, anyway? Well, I was not going to make myself fake for another half hour that I’d paid for. If I wanted to sit it out, I would. I had wrestled with this for a while. I worried about hurting her feelings. I thought to myself, can’t you just sacrifice a half hour of your time to preserve this woman’s feelings? The answer was no.

I thought it would be the decent thing to do to follow up my note with a phone call. I didn’t want to be shady and I wanted to be able to look her in the eye and give a little wave if we ran into each other at the gym. So I called her and repeated my spiel from the note (which she had not yet received.)

She didn’t seem surprised. She reminded me that I had paid for the sessions. I told her I didn’t care. I’d sign off so she would get paid, but I didn’t want to do the last session. I just needed the time to myself. She said she understood completely. “You’re just like my daughter,” she said. “She works with kids all day and she just wants to veg out and be alone at the end of the day.” Hmmm. OK. This woman did not for one instance entertain the notion that something she did had done might have put me off. I guess I faked well enough. I was anticipating her maybe asking me if anything was wrong and me gently telling her some of the things I thought were strange, but reassuring her that maybe it was just me and she’d be a good fit for someone else. At the very least, I thought I might get the chance to tell her it’s probably not the best teaching technique to yell “wrong!” when someone is not getting their form right. But, alas, she “completely understood” where I was coming from. Right.

What I learned from all this is that I don’t think I like the idea of a personal trainer any more at all. I always thought I should get my husband a package for a gift so he could get some tips on new exercises or better form. He never seemed interested when I’d mention it though. I can understand why now. It is kind of awkward to have someone hovering over you, and for many people, myself now included, a workout is an escape. I like to just get on that treadmill, blast some of my favorite songs, get the heart rate and endorphins pumping and feel great. I did have a good stint with that fellow Monzeil, but that was a different time in my life. I will never pay for someone to pay attention to me again.

I *am* the person that I am

I AM the person I am…not who I thought I was 10 years ago

A mom
36
not a rambling arty hipster
responsible
not a drug experimenter
not desperate
not lost or hopeless

What I learned from my long European vacation with a one-year old

Last month we took a long trip to France by way of Belgium, my husband, my one-year old, and I. Oddly enough, I have so many happy memories from the trip, but during our 17 days of travel, there were many times I wanted to yell or wanted to cry—and did.

Our friends and family thought we were crazy for even trying, although some expressed admiration. The fact is, it is a challenge to travel to a foreign country with a baby or toddler, even if it is a Western European, industrialized country with most of the comforts of home readily available. You still are in unfamiliar territory, the rooms aren't childproof, you don't get the breaks you might get at home when the child can just kind of safely play on their own for a bit. You want to make the most of the trip, go on outings, see some sites, but the baby wants to be a baby and do the stuff she usually does. You worry about the baby, but the baby is fine. In fact, in my case, it was really me who had the most melt downs.

The biggest thing I want to remember for next time, which applies to travel in general, not just travel with children, is to let go. My character flaw of "control freak" is a bad mix with travel. You will get lost in a 800-year-old cities with Rick Steves' sketched out maps. There will be long lines. If you don't know the language, you will face some awkward moments and have to make an effort to communicate sometimes when you don't want to. Even though I have come to this conclusion before after trips, I never seem to remember to live by the rule of "letting go" when I go on the next trip. I just can't emphasize this enough.

It would have been so much better if I had been able to embrace my lack of control over the outside world and better control my own emotions. It would even have given me a window on my child's world, perhaps. When you travel to a foreign country, everything is new and different, you are out of your element, and you can't control any of it. Welcome to the world of your baby! How cool is that? If only I would have realized it at the time—that I could get a better understanding of what my daughter might be going through at this time of her life by embracing the challenges of travel instead of just getting frustrated!

A really positive thing the trip brought to light was how there are alot of things we are doing right as parents. Three major tenets of attachment parenting—breastfeeding, baby-wearing and co-sleeping—proved to be very convenient and helpful practices while traveling.

I can't imagine how one would make a trip like this without breastfeeding a child this age. It provided food for her whenever she was hungry. Sometimes, when you're on the go, its not easy to get food suitable for a one-year-old on demand. But, she is always happy to get the breast. In addition to providing nutrients, it provided comfort for her on the go as well. As our little family made our way through bustling streets of Brussels and Paris, and the promenades of Cannes, Nice, Antibes, Avignon, Arles and Nimes—with new sights and sounds whirling all around us—the baby could nuzzle in close for a little milk when it all became too much.

Carrying my baby in the Ergo carrier was a better choice for me than using a stroller—even with my little one weighing in at 26 lbs. I must admit, I did enjoy the couple times we used the stroller, but I found it to be more of a hassle than a help as we negotiated our way via trains, narrow crowded sidewalks and bumble cobble-stone streets. She was raised more as a carried baby than a stroller baby, also, so she preferred the carrier most of the time. It was nice because when you are on the move, especially in busy cities like Paris, there are lots of people on the street, it can be crowded in some places and hard to maneuver the stroller. Also, being low to the ground while bodies shuffle by all around is probably more disconcerting to a baby than being held close to their mama up at chest level. Here, they are more a part of it all, a part of your world, and can feel so much more secure. She was even able to nap on the go in the carrier. We went about our business throughout the day and she fell asleep when she was tired, comfortable in her Ergo close to mama.

That being said, it was a little tiring walking for four or more hours a day carrying 26 lbs. You really need to be in shape to go on a trip like this with a baby or toddler. In addition to carrying her, I had to be ready to chase her! I think my commitment to working out paid off by providing me with helpful strength and stamina. I don't regret the choice I often made, when faced with a time crunch, to work out instead of do my French lesson. The workouts were more helpful!

Finally, co-sleeping, even in the transitional way we currently do it, makes sleeping arrangements easier to handle when you're traveling. If you're already used to sleeping with your baby, it won't come as that much of an inconvenience when you're forced to do it on vacation. Some hotels offer cribs, many smaller or budget ones don't. And, many babies are not likely to easily fall asleep in an unfamiliar crib in an unfamiliar room. How much cozier is it to curl up with mom and dad in their bed and feel safe and secure by their side?

Did we give up sex, with the co-sleeping? No way! Of course, if we were traveling just as a couple, it would have been easier to get romantic and no doubt we would have been more active in this arena. But, as with home life, a little creativity and timing allowed us to enjoy some breaks for sex. When a child is this young, they can sleep in one corner of the bed while mom and dad do their thing in another corner or on the floor. You get the idea.

OK, on to things we can get real clear about. Here are my overall tips for traveling with a toddler:

1. Take overnight flights, if possible—My child slept most of the plane ride over. We are lucky. She is a good sleeper who can sleep wherever as long as she's tired and mama is close.

2. Have new toys on hand for the plane and train rides—We got about $30 worth of new stuff for her that was compact enough to fit in a back pack with other carry on items. I also brought some stickers and cool stuff that I probably wouldn't let her play with unsupervised on her own (magnadoodle, stickers with beads that could be a choke hazard) but on my lap on the plane they were fine and oh so cool to her.

3. Breastfeed! But pack snacks—It is so awesome and easy to be able to just whip out your boob and make your kid happy. Bananas and crackers and stuff help, too, but nothing beats the boob in a pinch.

4. Carry your baby—A stroller can come in handy, sure, but I found our Ergo carrier to be indispensible. If I had to choose between stroller or carrier, I'd choose the carrier.

5. Co-sleep—You don't need to worry if the hotel has a crib, the baby will sleep more easily in an unfamiliar place with mom and dad close by. This one is more optional, I guess, for the sleep-trainers out there and those who are really cranky about getting lots of uninterrupted sleep, but for me, it was really good and made me glad we are transitional, semi-co-sleepers.

6. Dine at outdoor cafes or have picnics when you can—Mom and Dad can take turns rambling around with the baby so they don't get too cooped up in the highchair (which aren't always available) or on your lap—especially active walkers. European meals tend to take a long time, so it's nice to be able to let the baby take a stroll and blow off some steam so they don't fuss and go crazy at the restaurant.

7. Take your baby to playgrounds and parks—It's a family vacation. They're part of the family. Do stuff they like!

And of course, the unquantifiable—let go! Don't be upset if things don't go as planned. Be flexible. Embrace chance. Try to take it as an opportunity to see the world through a different perspective. And have fun. As hard as it may be traveling with a young toddler, the memories will so precious.

Coming soon: Notes from Seattle--Taking a One-Year-Old to a Music Festival

It gets worse!

I just caught wind of this "trend" from one of my web design clients...yikes!

These baby planners do all sorts of things for busy moms-to-be...like interview nannies, and can even help with "thinking through how to integrate" new babies into homes with existing children, because, of course, nobody knows how to just be a real person anymore...

I love the fact that I do it all myself...and well! Sure there are some rough, hard times, but that is what makes a real life...not a business plan.

True luxuries come at a different price

Today in the Post, I read about how "Luxury Services for Pregnant Women are Booming" and became nauseated by more "news" illustrating how Americans think they are due these outrageous luxuries because they are "taking care of themselves" or "taking time for themselves" when they're really just spending loads of money on bullshit.

As the mama of an eleven month old, I still remember pregnancy. Ah, these were glory days. Sure, I wasn't able to run as much or weight train or drink, but boy did my husband treat me well. He brought me my nightly snacks, rubbed my back and feet. He was nice! Plus, I could still go to movies, I could still dine out without wrestling a little one in and out of a high chair. I enjoyed getting special care and attention and I took good care of myself. I even got a few massages down on my lunch breaks (I worked up til the day before I gave birth). But, all this over-the-top spa culture of extreme pampering, at crazy prices, to me seems nutso. The article even cites posh preggos paying $25 to take a nap. Come on!

The article also gives voice to one woman carrying on about how she was obsessing about where to get apple green bedding for her baby's crib, and I had to laugh. I remember I spent a weekend furiously web surfing for special crib bedding, marveling at all the cute designs out there, but stopping short and just getting a cute jungle set from Target once I saw the price tags. Good thing. We don't use the crib for much more than storage, or a cooling off jail cell for the baby when she can't calm down before bed. Instead, we do a sort of transitional co-sleeping dealio on a futon. It's the best.

I believe that the non-marketed, figure-it-out yourself discoveries and other variations on "official" philosophies/practices (attachment parenting, etc.) are what makes my life my own, what keeps it real and authentic. A little pampering is good, of course, but Americans are becoming more and more luxury-driven (when we can afford it less and less) while at the same time becoming dumber about how to do anything for ourselves and think things through practically.

What about women who read articles like this and think, "I deserve to feel good about myself. I need that, too. I am worth it..." and then they go chasing after these pricey extravagances to try and feel something? I ask, what kind of births will these women have? What kind of motherhood will they experience? I wonder, after they get sucked into the accoutrements and trappings of pregnancy and motherhood, how engaged will they be in their babies' births and their babies' lives? How many will be drugged out and turn over the power of their birth experience to more service people (doctors, nurses, etc.)? How many will then turn over the very caring for of their babies to service people (daycare, nannies)?

I know, some people have to have medicated births and some have to send their infants to daycare, but many choose to, and of course, it's their choice. But how many even consider other options? My view is that they are only cheating themselves out of truly priceless experiences when you have other people do so much for you. Are you really living your own life, or are you just in a constant cycle of earning and spending. I think people need to get reacquainted with the simpler pleasures in life—give me a foot massage from my husband and a pint of Häagen-Dazs and I'm good!

Honestly, what provided me with the best luxury of all—taking this special time in my life to relish being mama to a baby by working part time from home, rather than shipping her off to daycare as an infant—was being prudent with savings and working hard before she was born. Not blowing thousands of dollars on pampering.

Am I too attached?

I think that "attachment parenting" may have some downfalls...especially once the child gets a little older. In some cases, parents like me can get too "attached." I've been feeling depressed lately. Depressed and confused. I feel sometimes like I don't really like being a stay-at-home mom...or, to clarify, a work-at-home mom. It's not that I don't like—or love—my baby. It's just that caring for a baby creates so much self doubt in me. I just don't know if I'm doing it right anymore.

It was alot easier when caring for her meant nursing on demand, cuddling her, letting her sleep with me, letting her nap on my lap while I worked. It was much easier to be "attached" with a baby who just wanted closeness and food. Now, it's a whole new ballgame. She wants to explore. She wants to get into things that are dangerous. She doesn't want to nap when she clearly needs a rest. I can't solve everything by holding her close and breastfeeding her anymore. I am supposed to actively play in ways that will teach her things, while at the same time not losing my own mind and being confused about how to engage a baby with such a limited attention span at this age. It is really a challenge.

Today, she didn't want to nap when it was clear it was time. She was fussy and rubbing her eys. She nursed so much while fidgeting and trying to crawl around but wouldn't sleep. She spit up the milk. I kept putting her back on her back, rubbing her tummy and saying, it's time to sleep (all on the futon, not in the crib, of course, so that I could lay with her, and "co-sleep"). I had to give up and see if she'd just play in her playpen for a bit while I at least took a shower and removed myself from the stressful situation.

I wanted to yell. I wanted to hit. But I didn't. Every time I want to do those things, I remember my dad's old approach, am sickened, and think better of it, sucking up the anger and working through it. But in the playpen, she cried and cried. Sad times for all.

Taking care of a baby is hard work!

Let me tell you about my $60 shower. We bought a playpen over the weekend from someone on Craigslist. It cost $60. I can now take a shower while the baby is awake, if I have to, without worrying about her inflicting bodily harm upon herself, since she is now crawling, cruising and all over the place. We don't use the playpen much. She likes to be free. But sometimes, mama needs a shower and she needs it now. So far, I've got one shower in. Hopefully, I get can in more and lower the price per shower!

I am determined to be a free-flowing "attached" parent. Limiting the restrictions I put on my baby as much as possible to keeping her away from those things that will harm her. I try to not enforce strict nap times, instead, I help the baby nap when it seems like she needs one. I try and let her explore and learn and be free. I don't confine her to a crib. Don't do sleep training. All that good stuff. Because of this, I believe, she is a very bright, energetic and happy girl. She is also showing early signs of being very strong willed. I like that, but it's sometimes hard to deal with. That, and her just being a normal baby who wants to do what she wants to do and with whom one can't yet reason. I sometimes get mad. I sometimes yell. I sometimes want to hit. Especially when she inflicts physical pain, pinching, scratching, head butting. She doesn't mean it of course. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to realize this and so I don't strike back. I have been known to curse her out, though.

Sometimes it seems like everything is a struggle...a wrestling match. Changing her diaper becomes "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling." Lunch becomes a scream fest. So, I was glad to find this post on Babble.com today—Anger Management: Losing your temper can be OK. The writer never exactly explains how it is OK to lose one's temper, but I guess it makes me feel a little better to know that other people do...people other than my mom, who admitted to me she'd yelled at me when I was a baby (this actually made me feel better, and what a tough call for my mom to have to make whether or not to be honest). I still feel guilty, though. Hence the numerous toys purchased recently. And clothes. BabyGap.

I'm actually hoping some of the toys I bought will help keep me interested so I can play with her longer. It's hard to be creative when you get, like, zero time to yourself and your sleep is interrupted by a little crawler practicing her newly acquired skills. Plus, many times when I do try and play, my baby would rather crawl away and eat a CD or get stuck under her high chair, or something. Who can know what the mind of a great explorer such as this can be plotting?

I know it must be something great. This much work can't be for nothing! Whenever my mom and I talk about children and babies, we usually end up exclaiming about the lack of understanding on the part of someone that these little beings are, in fact, people. People with feelings and desires they can't yet control or express with any finesse. I guess I forget this sometimes myself or, things become battles of will between two people. Being an "attached" parent and balancing between wills is definitely a challenge for me. I don't want to squelch her spirit or creativity, but sometimes I do have to impose order on situations. I guess I am still learning and will be for the next...eighteen years or more...

At least she will look cute in her BabyGap while she's driving me happily crazy!