Taking care of a baby is hard work!

Let me tell you about my $60 shower. We bought a playpen over the weekend from someone on Craigslist. It cost $60. I can now take a shower while the baby is awake, if I have to, without worrying about her inflicting bodily harm upon herself, since she is now crawling, cruising and all over the place. We don't use the playpen much. She likes to be free. But sometimes, mama needs a shower and she needs it now. So far, I've got one shower in. Hopefully, I get can in more and lower the price per shower!

I am determined to be a free-flowing "attached" parent. Limiting the restrictions I put on my baby as much as possible to keeping her away from those things that will harm her. I try to not enforce strict nap times, instead, I help the baby nap when it seems like she needs one. I try and let her explore and learn and be free. I don't confine her to a crib. Don't do sleep training. All that good stuff. Because of this, I believe, she is a very bright, energetic and happy girl. She is also showing early signs of being very strong willed. I like that, but it's sometimes hard to deal with. That, and her just being a normal baby who wants to do what she wants to do and with whom one can't yet reason. I sometimes get mad. I sometimes yell. I sometimes want to hit. Especially when she inflicts physical pain, pinching, scratching, head butting. She doesn't mean it of course. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to realize this and so I don't strike back. I have been known to curse her out, though.

Sometimes it seems like everything is a struggle...a wrestling match. Changing her diaper becomes "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling." Lunch becomes a scream fest. So, I was glad to find this post on Babble.com today—Anger Management: Losing your temper can be OK. The writer never exactly explains how it is OK to lose one's temper, but I guess it makes me feel a little better to know that other people do...people other than my mom, who admitted to me she'd yelled at me when I was a baby (this actually made me feel better, and what a tough call for my mom to have to make whether or not to be honest). I still feel guilty, though. Hence the numerous toys purchased recently. And clothes. BabyGap.

I'm actually hoping some of the toys I bought will help keep me interested so I can play with her longer. It's hard to be creative when you get, like, zero time to yourself and your sleep is interrupted by a little crawler practicing her newly acquired skills. Plus, many times when I do try and play, my baby would rather crawl away and eat a CD or get stuck under her high chair, or something. Who can know what the mind of a great explorer such as this can be plotting?

I know it must be something great. This much work can't be for nothing! Whenever my mom and I talk about children and babies, we usually end up exclaiming about the lack of understanding on the part of someone that these little beings are, in fact, people. People with feelings and desires they can't yet control or express with any finesse. I guess I forget this sometimes myself or, things become battles of will between two people. Being an "attached" parent and balancing between wills is definitely a challenge for me. I don't want to squelch her spirit or creativity, but sometimes I do have to impose order on situations. I guess I am still learning and will be for the next...eighteen years or more...

At least she will look cute in her BabyGap while she's driving me happily crazy!