French parenting? Comme ci, comme ça

I have to stop posting because I actually have a ton of work to do, but I realize I never wrote about the "French parenting book," Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, that was all the rage about a month ago.

I thought we'd heard the last on that one and I'd missed the window of blathering on...I mean...blogging...about it, but apparently, it lingers. Yesterday's New York Times had an opinion piece that springboards from the book, bemoaning the American "activities" culture and how it wears on us poor parents.

This latest piece is kind of iffy in its applicability, to me, because the writer's kids are now teens and so shuttling them to activities in general seems less ridiculous than shuttling toddlers and preschoolers or even gradeschool kids to activities. By the time kids are teens, these activities—sports, theater, music, etc.—might actually matter as far as rounding out their resumés for college acceptance and even if you're not that kind of person, the kids are old enough themselves to know what they want to do, how they want to spend their time, and so if they actually want to go to the activities, I can see why a parent would be compelled to make it happen. Although, apparently even activities for teens are less hectic in scheduling and less oppressive to parents in Europe (that huge amorphous place) than in America.

For me, right now, though, I detest kid activities. (This is in contrast to preschool where I can drop her off and go away for four hours.) Whenever I have tried to sign my kid up for a class or activity, we've dropped out (or want to). It's either been because the classes were so very lame and it seemed like the kinds of things they were doing we could do better on our own at home without the aggravation (art, gardening, music), or, it simply wasn't my kid's cup of tea (soccer) or the instructor's approach was too one-size-fits all (swimming). I don't judge cheap park district classes too harshly. You get what you get. But, I don't see the point of forcing a little kid to "stick to something" they don't like, that they didn't even ask to be signed up for. My kid seems to really like playing at home and so that's what we mostly do. For my part, I hate having to be a certain place at a certain time when it's not work related. Part of the glory of being a stay-at-home (or work-at-home) mom is the lazy schedule, right? It's not that I don't like to do stuff, I just like to do it when I like to do it. And that varies. But I digress...

What the future holds for activities, I do not know. I want to be fully open to let my kid do things she wants to do. I am very mindful of providing her with the opportunities to be in the mix and cautious about guarding her too much from the public, her peers, etc., as is my tendency. I do not want her to be an outcast like I felt I was. At the same time, I did participate in ballet, band, plays, chorus and in high school, sports. (And was an outcast anyway...I am just realizing...)

But enough about activities. There were lots of other parts of the book more applicable to my life as a mother of a young child. I thought I would love the book because of the results being touted (and complained about ) in the press surrounding it. Well-behaved kids! American parents miffed because their kids are just fine and, so what if they are demanding brats, we're American! Yay us! But, I found that although I feel I've had similar results (a smart, curious and relatively sensitive and well-behaved child that is generally a pleasure to be around—recent whining on day trip notwithstanding) I've arrived at them by a path very different than the typical French parent described in the book.

I had zero interest in early weaning, for example. I didn't really have a breastfeeding goal, I just did it one day at a time and figured I'd stop when she wasn't interested anymore. I had to coax the disinterest toward the end, but I'd say 33 months is good and long. Certainly longer than the 3 months (or less in France) and probably groan inducing for the average French mama. It was only in France that I was ever ridiculed for public breastfeeding, in fact. And, another instance, in France, was not ridicule but the funny curiosity of an elderly woman in a shop that was absolutely fascinated and amazed by my nursing my one-year-old in her Ergo as I checked out some groceries.

I also had no interest in sleep training or having my child "do her nights" as the French say. For better or for worse, so this day, I still lay down with my child as she falls asleep. It's my quiet time too and I love it. I never understood what the hurry was in making a baby fall asleep by themselves. Of course, my kid eventually learned to sleep through the night and so once I do put her down and she falls asleep 9 times out of 10, she won't make a peep til morning. I guess I could see someone wanting to "train" a kid who woke up in the middle of the night repeatedly and called for mom. (Note, I say KID not baby.)

I am very intrigued by the French and their eating habits and do think that adherence to meal times and having respect for food is probably a better way to go than constant snacking and letting kids say things are "yucky" (which I won't allow, though I will allow someone thinking something's yucky but keeping it to themselves). I tend to think people who go on about how much variety their kids eat are exaggerating. At least during the preschool years. And I know from experience that little kids' tastes seem to change from day to day. My girl used to love broccoli and even said it was one of her favorite foods as recently as six months ago. Now, she won't touch the stuff and she's on to carrots as her go-to veggie. Whatever the case may be, what she eats is not something I am going to sweat or argue about. I have argued about it, but I made a decision after finding that arguing is fruitless and draining not to.

I also believe in clear cut discipline for kids, making sure they know what's acceptable and unacceptable as far as public behavior, practical manners (not forced pleases and thank yous, but an awareness of those around you and not being disruptive to them) and such. These things I often find lacking in tales I read shared on attachment or "positive parenting" message boards and even in observing some of my kid's classmates. They often seem a little wild to me, and you do often hear Americans go on about how they can't take their kids anywhere or their kids are such terrors. But, that's their problem, I guess.

Overall, I came to the conclusion that I am clearly not French and that, while I enjoyed the book, I couldn't take it as any kind of gospel. As some of the commentary surrounding the book observed, the French parent the way French parents do largely because of the way their society is set up. It's generally more congruous than American society. I don't get the sense that there are all those subcultures there (crunchy mommy, slick working mommy, sarcastic scary mommy, Christian mommy, homeschool mommy, et cetera). And, of course, the maternity leave, state-sponsored daycares and cultural expectations for professional Parisian moms all come into play in the parenting culture in ways that just don't have parallels in America. At the same time, I don't know that I can say I feel I fit in with any of the American parenting archetypes (or stereotypes) either. That's something I'll have to give more thought to.

For today, it's time to tear my kid away from Curious George because we're going to try to squeeze in a nature hike before swimming lessons (which I was planning on ditching after earlier protests, but now the child wants to go to)...