Taking care of a baby is hard work!

Let me tell you about my $60 shower. We bought a playpen over the weekend from someone on Craigslist. It cost $60. I can now take a shower while the baby is awake, if I have to, without worrying about her inflicting bodily harm upon herself, since she is now crawling, cruising and all over the place. We don't use the playpen much. She likes to be free. But sometimes, mama needs a shower and she needs it now. So far, I've got one shower in. Hopefully, I get can in more and lower the price per shower!

I am determined to be a free-flowing "attached" parent. Limiting the restrictions I put on my baby as much as possible to keeping her away from those things that will harm her. I try to not enforce strict nap times, instead, I help the baby nap when it seems like she needs one. I try and let her explore and learn and be free. I don't confine her to a crib. Don't do sleep training. All that good stuff. Because of this, I believe, she is a very bright, energetic and happy girl. She is also showing early signs of being very strong willed. I like that, but it's sometimes hard to deal with. That, and her just being a normal baby who wants to do what she wants to do and with whom one can't yet reason. I sometimes get mad. I sometimes yell. I sometimes want to hit. Especially when she inflicts physical pain, pinching, scratching, head butting. She doesn't mean it of course. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to realize this and so I don't strike back. I have been known to curse her out, though.

Sometimes it seems like everything is a struggle...a wrestling match. Changing her diaper becomes "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling." Lunch becomes a scream fest. So, I was glad to find this post on Babble.com today—Anger Management: Losing your temper can be OK. The writer never exactly explains how it is OK to lose one's temper, but I guess it makes me feel a little better to know that other people do...people other than my mom, who admitted to me she'd yelled at me when I was a baby (this actually made me feel better, and what a tough call for my mom to have to make whether or not to be honest). I still feel guilty, though. Hence the numerous toys purchased recently. And clothes. BabyGap.

I'm actually hoping some of the toys I bought will help keep me interested so I can play with her longer. It's hard to be creative when you get, like, zero time to yourself and your sleep is interrupted by a little crawler practicing her newly acquired skills. Plus, many times when I do try and play, my baby would rather crawl away and eat a CD or get stuck under her high chair, or something. Who can know what the mind of a great explorer such as this can be plotting?

I know it must be something great. This much work can't be for nothing! Whenever my mom and I talk about children and babies, we usually end up exclaiming about the lack of understanding on the part of someone that these little beings are, in fact, people. People with feelings and desires they can't yet control or express with any finesse. I guess I forget this sometimes myself or, things become battles of will between two people. Being an "attached" parent and balancing between wills is definitely a challenge for me. I don't want to squelch her spirit or creativity, but sometimes I do have to impose order on situations. I guess I am still learning and will be for the next...eighteen years or more...

At least she will look cute in her BabyGap while she's driving me happily crazy!

A convergence of coincidences creates meaning

Life has been pretty good. But yesterday I went on a ragging jag on my husband after I found a bigger co-sleeper on Craigslist, which reopened the always dangerous discussion of how long Ava should be sleeping with us. Details of that aside, I said many things that should not have been said and I was left trying to sort out my different feelings of love for my baby versus love for my husband...and anger toward my husband.

Googling brought me to an essay by Ayelet Waldman (I'd never heard of her) who proclaimed that she loved her husband more than her children. Quite different from what I was feeling at the moment. Turns out, her husband is Michael Chabon, who is pretty good-looking, very successful, and, according to Ms. Waldman, shares equally in the household and child-rearing responsibilities. Easy to love, right?

The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that my husband, too, is easy to love. It especially hit me the next morning, as he patiently laid in bed trying to get another half hour of semi-sleep while the baby babbled noisily beside us. Thank goodness she was content to lay there babbling on her own while I caressed him and said sorry. Further thoughts of reconnecting flowed as I did my morning run, seeing a gorgeous full moon setting, thinking back on past romantic times with my husband, grateful he watched the baby each morning when I ran. And while I don't feel the need to compare and say I love my husband more than my daughter, I felt happy to have been prompted by Ms. Waldman's essay to examine my own feelings and try to better understand them.

It's funny that I had multiple "encounters" with the Chabons out of the blue. Just a couple days ago I put several old books up for sale on Amazon and the first one that sold was Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, which I actually never got into. What a coincidence that I would stumble upon his wife's work the next day and that it would relate to my life in a real way.

I am now thinking more about how I need to keep the passion going between me and my husband—and that doesn't mean just sexually. In some ways, sex comes easily. It's the whole deal of being generally excited and happy about someone that is so key, I think. Not wanting to just roll your eyes and be like, "what now?"
I've been pretty passionate about the baby, being a super-duper on-demand breastfeeder, having her sleep with us, staying home with her. (Almost like one of the AP devotees Ms. Waldman describes in another of her essays, but not exactly, because I don't rudely push my beliefs on others.) Sometimes, my uber-passionate feelings have even led me to behave irrationally during tough times with her, because I'd gotten too wrapped up in her. Taking it personally when she was fussy. Thinking she was ungrateful or didn't like me. Things that are not attributable to a baby, of course. (My husband brought me back to reality on those points.) Still, the beauty and cuteness of my baby enhanced by the maternal hormones and the cuddly closeness we share together so many hours each day, all make it easy to be deeply in love with her.

I have to remember, though, not to forget the hardworking, loving and patient man whose hard work and planning allows me to have the luxury of staying home with the baby, and whose very physical contribution has given me the gift of growing this baby—a real-life expression of our love. She is part of him and me—and I am so blessed to have them both.

I don't know anything

Lest people think I am seriously out here trying to tell people my way is the way to go, or that other people are wrong or whatever, I have to say, these snippets are just chronicles of my struggles and sometimes mini-victories. As of late, I feel like I have been having far more struggles.

An old taoist saying goes, Those who talk don't know and those who know don't talk, and that is very much the case here because each day, I feel like I know less and less.

Raising a child is more difficult than I thought it would be. Marriage is more difficult than I thought it would be. Both, I know, can be very rewarding. But, boy, are they hard sometimes. And I probably have good people that I'm working with in my husband and baby! Neither are really particularly difficult, I don't think. One just gets used to playing by their rules and having things their way by the time they get to be thirty-something and have basically been doing it their way all their lives. Then, other people enter the picture, and they need to refocus. And so, that's what my life is all about. Refocusing all the time, trying to make peace between my own selfish desires and what the people I love need from me.

Every day I fail. Every day I say I am not going to get mad at people or lose my temper. I fail. I say I am going to be sweet and loving. And I fail. I say I am not going to overeat or eat junk food. I fail.

At least I exercise regularly, so I'm not fat. But, as my husband reminds me often, the both of us need to get into better shape. That really kind of burns me up since I just had a baby six months ago and I have been trying to figure out how to care for her well while working an office job from home about 20 hours a week. Yes, I used to be in excellent shape before I got pregnant. And I do mean excellent. We're talking low-body-fat-percentage (18 -22, depending on the year), marathon-running, 2-hours-of-working-out-a-day kind of in shape. Now, I am just O.K. I know that someday I will get back to where I was, but that level takes more dedication than a new mom who is trying to work from home while taking care of a baby can achieve in just a few short months. It takes time.

Anyway, back to my heart and my failed attempts at being a loving wife and mom. I don't really have any legitimate excuses for my failings there. I could say lack of support and being tired from trying to do it all kind of wear on me and make me pickier about things than I need to be and more likely to snap, but, I don't want to take that cop-out.

I've failed in my earlier stated goal of losing weight by Christmas, but I think I can make up for it and do it in the first half (or maybe even the first quarter) of 08. I'm hoping I can get my heart and head right as easily during the new year and work on spiritual resolutions as well. I know I can't go on in the manner I've been going, so I have no choice. I must change.

I've been trying to sort of change myself unofficially over time, but I think I might need to create more of an action plan to make it happen...some rules to live by, you know? So, I will be thinking of that over the next couple of days (or weeks, depending on how busy I get) and try to map something out for the new year. Stay tuned.

Hip in Our Hearts

Yes. I am back. My hair still is stupid, but it'll grow out. I've given up "controlling" my baby and instead am working with her. And, I recently finished Alternadad, by Neal Pollack, and so maybe I do feel like I can give advice after all.

First off, Pollack's a good writer and his book was pretty entertaining. I didn't know this before I read Alternadad, but he set off a shit storm on Salon.com a couple years ago when his kid got thrown out of daycare for biting and he'd included clues about his & his wife's lame and listless parenting in the article. I'm not here to criticize their parenting, though. I actually felt a little bad for him after reading some of the nasty comments people made to him following his Salon piece. I'm here to criticize his hipster cred.

That's right. How hip is it to smoke weed every day at age 35? I mean, really. Seriously? Is that really necessary? That's so "in your twenties". Also, is Beck (who Pollack idolizes) really that hip? Beck? I guess it's just a matter of opinion. But mine is "no". Watching scads of corporate mainstream TV is not hip. Additionally, blowing money you don't have and being stupid isn't hip either (going to happy hours several times a week, paying for your mother in law to stay at a hotel with you to watch your kid, paying taxes with a credit card). Sending your kid to daycare when you and your wife both "work" from home isn't hip either (daycare costs money!). OK. So now I'm criticizing his parenting. Didn't mean to.

My husband and I are comparatively boring, but we are hip in own hearts. He chooses the life of a civil servant to make a steady living but not distance himself from his family with crazy corporate work hours. I work from home part time so I can earn a little money and nurture our child in the way we think is best at this point. We live in the (gulp!) suburbs. Yes, that's right. And ours is pretty culturally diverse, too. We still see live music, occasionally (my husband more than me, because he like to much more than me), we read, we travel. We have a great life...but we don't piss our money away.

To me, what's hip is not trying so hard to be cool and not feeling you have to partake in all of society's gooniness to make it through. It's about finding your own way in a way that works for you. I don't want to teach my daughter to like punk rock and be an anarchist. That's just silly. If she decides she likes punk rock on her own, then so be it. I want to empower her with the confidence and ease to be a free spirit, but an "anarchist"...no.

Anyway, I always am thinking how I have got to be a kinder and more compassionate person, and I don't think this post really accomplishes anything in that regard, so I'll wrap it here and just say that Neal Pollack is a much better writer than me.

Trading in baby books for tax guides

Well, it's official. I will be working as a consultant for my former employer. The contract's been signed for the remainder of 2007 and we've talked about 2008 a bit as well. I even have some other clients, too. Pretty much just what I wanted, but now, of course, I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. But, not with work-work. Rather, I'm concerned about figuring out taxes as a self-employed worker and what to do about my retirement investments. And then there's the matter of the new baby.

My child is a dream, though. She's a "good" baby as babies go, although I don't believe there are "bad" babies, just those that somehow need more and may not be getting what they need. Lucky for me, I think my baby is about average in terms of her level of need, and perhaps I am above average in what I am willing to give. So it works out—most of the time.

By "above average" I mean that I nurse on demand, I let her sleep with me as needed, and I don't let her cry for very long without going to her. I put her first. At times, I've felt the pressure (from where, exactly, I don't know) to get her on a schedule or to sleep on her own. I've done some reading on both sides of the scheduling/training philosophies and I've come to the conclusion that it's just not worth trying to force babies into adult modes of life. Things are much more peaceful, feel better and are just plain easier when I approach baby care with sensitivity and careful observation rather than trying to force her to do what I want her to do when I want her to do it.

For instance, we can try napping at set times, but sometimes, she just doesn't seem to want to nap, or, she needs to nap in my arms. Same thing about sleeping for the night, or "through the night" as is the big goal for so many new parents. I don't do the same thing all the time or feel the same way all the time, so why should I expect a baby to?

Still, I know a baby needs sleep, and today she would not nap at all. Then finally when she was really petering out for the day and it was time to sleep for the night, but she still wouldn't sleep. She'd drift off a bit during "nursing" and I while don't mind nursing her to sleep, she wasn't really going to sleep and she wasn't really nursing either, but just sucking on me, the human pacifier. I tried to stop this by rocking her to sleep instead, but she wasn't too keen on that. Finally, I got pretty frustrated and just had to put her in her co-sleeper and let her cry, if only to pull myself together. I told my husband I'd give her five minutes and vented some of my frustrations to him. It took more than five minutes, but less than ten, and she gradually stopped crying and fell asleep. I hope this doesn't count as "crying it out" because I hate that, but I really did need to step away from the situation. I don't think this is something I'll make a habit of doing, that's for sure. I hope she understands and knows from all the other stuff I do for her that I love her.

Focusing on training for things that are as primal as eating and sleeping just serves to make me feel bad in the end because the baby doesn't always do it, then I get mad because I'm focused on the training goal instead of what the baby needs or is trying to communicate, and then I feel horrible for getting mad at a baby—and resolve it by realizing I am really just mad at myself. But what kind of resolution is that?

When I observe her behavior and try to be responsive by helping her with what she's experiencing instead of fighting it, she is in turn much more responsive to my efforts and often, we can almost have a semblance of a "schedule"—for what that's worth. And, working from home, it is worth something.

Back to working, then. I'm going to need to trade in the baby books for some books on how to do taxes when you're self-employed. I know I have to pay some kind of estimated tax in advance and pay my own social security. I know that I might be able to deduct some stuff, like my Internet service and such. I'm glad. I know I can figure it all out, but I will need some outside expertise to navigate the technical world of taxes. With the baby, though, I'm done with outside expertise and instead will trust my heart and my instincts.

Happy Times in the 70s

My baby daughter had her four month check up today and is off the charts with height and weight. Breastfeeding rocks! Here's a celebratory clip.

Going on vacation

Today, we leave on vacation...and what a great day for the Huffington Post post on "disconnecting to connect." (Funny, because my soon-to-be former employer is in the thick of their annual conference right now, and I am spending the last week of my employment with them on maternity leave, and going on vacation.)

This poster's comment touched me:

There simply needs to be a balance between our capitalism and spiritualism. A society without the essential elements of both is simply going to lose in the end. Humans as connected spirits in this universe need the spiritual side to realize that all the money and recognition and power that they are striving towards will be left behind in this material world in 80-100 odd years. The urge to do as much in those many years is great I know specially as one hits mid-age. But then again who will even WANT to know you (the person) after two generations? I agree Lincoln and Washington, Gandhi and Vivekananda have followers even today but maybe that is exactly why there is such a paucity of men and women of great stature today. No one has the time to build their convictions and strengths. Everyone is running around achieving so much and getting nowhere...The more important thing seems to be communicating about it to get instant gratification and fame rather than the world feeling the effects of actions through time. Thus we have a president who rushes into war which the countrymen had no time to think about and I am writing here now because if I don't I would never get to it in my busy day... T

I bolded that sentence because in some ways, that's how I've come to feel about blogging, although obviously I know fame is not really something I'm going to achieve. I have been thinking lately, though, that I might need to do less blogging and more living...so, here we go...vacation!