I don't know anything

Lest people think I am seriously out here trying to tell people my way is the way to go, or that other people are wrong or whatever, I have to say, these snippets are just chronicles of my struggles and sometimes mini-victories. As of late, I feel like I have been having far more struggles.

An old taoist saying goes, Those who talk don't know and those who know don't talk, and that is very much the case here because each day, I feel like I know less and less.

Raising a child is more difficult than I thought it would be. Marriage is more difficult than I thought it would be. Both, I know, can be very rewarding. But, boy, are they hard sometimes. And I probably have good people that I'm working with in my husband and baby! Neither are really particularly difficult, I don't think. One just gets used to playing by their rules and having things their way by the time they get to be thirty-something and have basically been doing it their way all their lives. Then, other people enter the picture, and they need to refocus. And so, that's what my life is all about. Refocusing all the time, trying to make peace between my own selfish desires and what the people I love need from me.

Every day I fail. Every day I say I am not going to get mad at people or lose my temper. I fail. I say I am going to be sweet and loving. And I fail. I say I am not going to overeat or eat junk food. I fail.

At least I exercise regularly, so I'm not fat. But, as my husband reminds me often, the both of us need to get into better shape. That really kind of burns me up since I just had a baby six months ago and I have been trying to figure out how to care for her well while working an office job from home about 20 hours a week. Yes, I used to be in excellent shape before I got pregnant. And I do mean excellent. We're talking low-body-fat-percentage (18 -22, depending on the year), marathon-running, 2-hours-of-working-out-a-day kind of in shape. Now, I am just O.K. I know that someday I will get back to where I was, but that level takes more dedication than a new mom who is trying to work from home while taking care of a baby can achieve in just a few short months. It takes time.

Anyway, back to my heart and my failed attempts at being a loving wife and mom. I don't really have any legitimate excuses for my failings there. I could say lack of support and being tired from trying to do it all kind of wear on me and make me pickier about things than I need to be and more likely to snap, but, I don't want to take that cop-out.

I've failed in my earlier stated goal of losing weight by Christmas, but I think I can make up for it and do it in the first half (or maybe even the first quarter) of 08. I'm hoping I can get my heart and head right as easily during the new year and work on spiritual resolutions as well. I know I can't go on in the manner I've been going, so I have no choice. I must change.

I've been trying to sort of change myself unofficially over time, but I think I might need to create more of an action plan to make it happen...some rules to live by, you know? So, I will be thinking of that over the next couple of days (or weeks, depending on how busy I get) and try to map something out for the new year. Stay tuned.