Living by my authentic choices, independently

I thought I was interested in discussing the big questions of motherhood—choices in birth, breast or formula feeding, staying home or working, etc. etc.—but I don't think I really am. I don't know if it's boredom or frustration, but I am tired of it all, and it's cutting into my work time and creativity. It all seems to be the same arguments back and forth. Every day I read something where women are bickering about their choices, defending themselves, blah blah blah. I think I have achieved the goal of living as my "authentic self". I love it and so that's what I am going to write about, and what I know best—me. Hopefully, I can bring some universality to it all. But first, a bit about what precipitated this.

It's all about options

My latest exploration into the politics of mothering was in feminist Amy Richards' book "Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself". The Salon article nicely summarizes her message, explaining "Each woman wants different things; thus the feminist goal should be figuring out what you want."

Richards says, "...what distinguishes someone as a feminist is the person brave enough...to step outside the bounds of expectation and discern for themselves what is an authentic choice."

Check. Most of my peers who earned 50% of their household income go back to work sooner. (I think I need to be clear that I work part-time from home and do intend to ramp up to full time, or work outside the home as my daughter gets older.)

And later, "The authenticity of our choices may never be truly revealed, but that matters less than trusting that women are empowered to make their own decisions."

Check. I greatly value the fact that women have choices in this country.

Although it seems I fit Richards' definition of a feminist, since I feel as though I am living what I truly believe to be the right thing for me, I just don't identify with feminists anymore, based on the majority of representative voices. I think the problem is that I don't necessary care about equality, just fairness in civil matters. Men and women will never be equal and we'll never be the same. But the basics—right to vote, right to own property, get an education, things like that—I am in favor of those things for all people. I am in favor of women being empowered to make choices, just like Richards says; and I believe that women currently have that power in appropriate measure for the most part. I get the impression, though, that some things are never enough for some people and not only do they want the power to make decisions, they want everyone to agree with them and to support them (financially even) in these decisions, no matter how wacky.

Why is it that I don't feel the need to justify or defend my choices? Maybe because I don't need other women's, or society's approval (or financing) for what I choose to do. So why do other people? I pretty much do what I want to do. Ultimately, I think most people do. I am looking for a way to talk about the choices I make and celebrate them because I am really happy with them and proud of them, and in many cases just grateful that I was able to make them, yes. However, I feel like whatever I say, there is potential to offend someone. This seems to be the case in online discussions or blog postings when women talk about their choices—someone out there is going to whine about how people are mean or judgmental or something or get defensive about their own choices. But, isn't it natural to think that a choice one makes is the best choice? Or at least the best choice for one's given circumstances at that time? If not, why would you make it? Yes, sometimes we make "bad" choices, but then, take we must take our lumps, learn from them, try to repair things as well as we can, and move on.

Challenges, real and brought on

Sure, there are lots of challenges in today's world especially in tough economic times, but each adult must make choices to shape their lives. For example, I often read accounts of harried and financially struggling moms talking about their three, or four, or five kids. The first thing I wonder is why they chose to have so many children. That's their business, of course, and there is no magic number of kids to have, but these same women often complain about their careers suffering or make calls for government program to subsidize their leaves, and on and on. As a woman committed to having one child, who scrimped and saved with her husband for four years before getting pregnant and who took more than a 50% pay cut to stay at home with her child while working late into the night to make work work—and who pays taxes on this money that I earn—I wonder what responsibility I really should have toward someone else's choices.

I believe, as a member of a society, I bear some responsibility and naturally, from the heart, I lean toward more socialist philosophies. However, when I read much of the contemporary feminist rhetoric and working mothers' commentaries on their expectations of what others (the government, businesses, taxpayers) should do for them, I am majorly turned off.

Example: Universal daycare vs. Mom's "sabbatical"

I particularly don't like the call for universal daycare because I don't even believe kids under one should be in day care at all, and my personal ideal is the three to five year "sabbatical" for moms. I wish more moms would plan for and do this "sabbatical" thing. This time would be a great chance for women to do what they really should be doing in the early years of their child's life—breastfeeding, bonding, nurturing, getting to really know their child and themselves, etc.—and could also give the moms an opportunity for personal growth and reflection, professional growth by exploring new ideas in their field (or maybe a new field) independently or with professional groups, former employers,community groups, etc. Of course, this is harder when a woman wants more than one child depending on how she's going to space them. And even in the best cases, it takes ingenuity and self-motivation on the part of the mother. Oh, and if someone wanted to flip the script, a Dad's sabbatical would be just fine, too. The point is for the young child to have exclusivity of attention and for at least one of the parents to really get to know the child. I'd be more in favor of subsidizing something like this than subsidizing daycare. Or a even a scenario where adults partners could job share and each spend half time at home with the young child. When did we ever get to the point where it took two full time adult salaries to run a home? Why? And does it have to be that way? Is this what people really want? What can we do to change it?

My goal here is to present different ideas, not to judge. Daycare is often not "bad" for babies, of course, although sometimes it can be, but being at home with an unfit parent can be bad for a baby, too. And what about what's good for a parent. I wonder how many parents just numb themselves to the loss they feel when they bring their baby to be cared for by someone else all day long? What about the enrichment the parent might find in spending more time with their young child? I honestly think some people just assume they have to work full time outside the home their whole adult lives and give no exploratory thinking toward other alternatives.

My choices

For all things there is a season. That's why I have shifted focus the first three to five years of my daughter's life on raising her the way I feel children her age need to be raised—intensively with a parent on-call almost all the time. I am also setting a general example that women work (she sees me on the lap top all the time), have their own interests, are strong, independent, self-sufficient and all that, but a baby/young child doesn't need that played out in bright, bold detail. Work is not the most important thing in my life right now by a long shot. It just can't be right now (perhaps never, but as my child gets older I believe it can be more so). A baby/toddler/preschool child mostly needs their mom around to pay attention to them, expose them to every day things around the house and around the world and cuddle. We're laying the foundation now and when she is school age I can step up my consulting hours or go back to work for someone else, then she can do her work of being in school and have me in this new phase of my life as an example.

But that's just me. I don't expect other people to make the same choices. However, I need to be able to extol the benefits and pleasures of my choices without worrying about offending people. We all have to live our authentic lives.

Wimpy women

So many women are whining wimps—they really make me wonder how we ever got the right to vote or own property and important stuff like that. Just hearing them moan and groan about how they would never consider giving birth without an epidural, or that breastfeeding is so hard, or listening to them bitch about how they need to get away from their kids and have their spa days and girls nights out are things I can' relate to at all. I think the women who worked for the right to vote and such were cut from a different cloth than today's "feminists", which is one reason why I don't identify with the tag.

That said, some men just kid of hang on the sidelines of this parenting thing and don't step up to support their partners wholly, or are just simply unaware of the challenges women face. All in all, though, I think American men are a flexible and willing lot. So many of the men in my peer group I see are much more involved with their kids and the household than what was typical when we were all growing up.

I have a daughter and I want her to be able to do anything she dreams, and I really believe that she can. I am so grateful to live in the U.S. where women are respected and valued and we really can do anything we want if we work hard enough. (Contrast this with many poor Asian countries where young girls are routinely sold as prostitutes or where they kill baby girls or give them up for adoption because sons are more valued.) There are definitely room for policy improvements in our country, yes, but the conversation has got to change to be a little more robust and include fresher ideas.