Husbands say the darnedest things

My husband sent me the nicest e-mail a couple days ago. I'd confided in him that I was feeling a little out of sorts reminiscing about a time in my life when I wanted to move back home with my parents after splitting up with my abusive husband at age 20. They said no. I had to make it on my own. I would be too much of a disruption to their house. Now my sister, who is 27, is moving back home. I guess things change. Times have changed. We're in a recession now. They don't have any kids living there any more. Me and my sister are different people. Anyway, my husband wrote alot of sweet things to me and applauded my strength for making it on my own saying, "you may not be a feminist, but you are a strong woman, which is more important." This was also in response to my sharing with him my ambivalence about and disappointment in the feminist movement, especially with regard to how it interfaces with mothering young children.

At first I laughed to myself sarcastically...of course, a man would say it is more important that I am a strong woman. That means less for the man to do. He doesn't have to worry about me. He knows that when push comes to shove, I can take care of my damn self. But, I think I agree with him, actually. It is more important to be a strong woman than a "feminist". Maybe I say this because so much of what I encounter in feminist voices I read doesn't sound so much strong as it sounds whiny. I have become so turned off by all the whining that I am compelled to take any amount of crap and unequal distribution of work and childcare in my relationship with my husband just so I am not one of those whiny women. This is an issue that's come to a head as of late. On one hand, I know this is kind of lame, but on the other hand, if time and again the whining (or complaining, or whatever you want to call it) doesn't work, then it just gets old and life is much more pleasant if I just suck it up and deal with it. Be happy, be strong and move on. At the end of the day, I love him and its not his fault if I choose to work, work, work. I guess I just want someone to notice and say how good I am. But maybe him saying I am a strong woman is his way of saying this. I wish he could be more specific and direct, though, and yes, sometimes give me a little more help than he does, or have his help me a little more competent.

In another conversation, the one where I was telling him about how I was irritated at the question always being what women lose when they have kids, versus what they can gain, he listened and observed that some people just don't like that parenthood is all about sacrifice. Whoa, I thought. This is exactly what I didn't think. That was my whole point, that it's wonderful. Hard work sometimes, yes, but in the final analysis wonderful, with everything to gain and nothing to lose. He said it was a sacrifice that was worth it, but still a sacrifice. I think this is a little funny, since, as I said, my life has changed a whole lot more than his. Maybe the thing he has "sacrificed" most is me.

I asked him what he meant and he just gave a list of all the things we "couldn't" do anymore. It seemed like alot of these things were things I couldn't do anymore, not him. Like go to rock shows. Like work in an office. (In reality, I could do both of these if I really wanted to but I chose not to right now). But, he mentioned, we can't go to Cap D'Adge (a nude town in France with sex clubs that we went to on our honeymoon, and no, we did not sleep with other people, and yes, we went other more "pure" places on our honeymoon trip, too, like Florence, Venice, Barcelona and Paris), stuff like that. And I was like, I don't even want to do that right now, do you? Sure, he says! It's not that I don't want to do that ever, just not now. I can see us doing that when Ava is in college or something. But, I digress. There's plenty of things we can do in the mean time. But not everything can be done. right. now. That's just the reality of having a child. It's just another example of there being "a season for all things", like I keep saying about being a part-time work-at-home mom, extended breastfeeding and all those things that seem like they tie women down. We only really need to do them for such a relatively short time.

It's interesting, though, how some people consider it a sacrifice and others don't. Or, maybe the word "sacrifice" means different things to different people. It's funny, though, when I look it up, the very definition mentions parenting in its example:

"3 a: destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else b: something given up or lost <sacrifices made by parents>"

I guess I just don't see it that way. I will be honest, in moments of frustration and weakness when I have given my all and then some, I may have cried to Ava "but I've sacrificed so much for you, can't you just go to sleep for today..." or something like that. But, when I really think about it intellectually not emotionally, it's no sacrifice at all. (Uh oh, isn't that an Elton John song? Yikes!)

I recently came across something in the Ariel Gore book, The Mother Trip, that quoted Muriel Rukeyser from The Life of Poetry, that said:

I think there is a choice possible at any moment to us, as long as we live. But there is no sacrifice. There is a choice and the rest falls away. Second choice does not exist. Beware of those who talk of sacrifice.

Beware, indeed. We are in a phase where I don't like him very much, sweet e-mail notwithstanding. I blew up at him, as I am wont to do. I think in the course of my crazy day I forgot to take any vitamins, or my valerian. So it was one of those high-anxiety blow ups. For his part, he said stupid things that undermined what is most important to me in life. A little he said/she said, as recalled by me:

Him: You only work and stay home because of your big ego to show you can do it and other people can't. Our lives would be easier if you were like normal people. Our lives would be easier if you didn't work.

Me: My life would be easier if you just helped me in the ways I asked. I like working and I need to work. I like the connection I have to the outside world. I like to earn my own money. It's good for my self-esteem.

Him: See, self-esteem=ego.

Me: That's just one part of it.

Him: You would be nicer to me if you weren't so stressed from work.

Me: Work doesn't stress me out. I enjoy it. You stress me out.

Arghhhhhh! With all my praise of work, I am sounding quite like the angry feminist! Seriously, though. He once implied that if I didn't work from home I'd have more time to play with his dog and clean. (He doesn't want a cleaner house, he justs me not to nag him about being a slob or helping me keep it clean.) Well, those are not things I want to do. I love the balance of my time spent with Ava and my time spent working from home. His comments are just so off-base and insulting.

I know he doesn't mean them in a bad way, though, and he is just frustrated. I know if I am nice, then all the argument points will be moot because he never starts an argument. It's always usually me, when I ask for more or when I blow because I am not getting more. So I will do what everyone else is doing these days and get by with less. I know we will make it out of this phase, and probably quickly. We'll be fucking by the weekend (its Friday). But it will involve mostly me "sucking it up" and just being nice in order to move on. I can do it. I am a strong woman, after all. And it's no sacrifice.