Am I too attached?

I think that "attachment parenting" may have some downfalls...especially once the child gets a little older. In some cases, parents like me can get too "attached." I've been feeling depressed lately. Depressed and confused. I feel sometimes like I don't really like being a stay-at-home mom...or, to clarify, a work-at-home mom. It's not that I don't like—or love—my baby. It's just that caring for a baby creates so much self doubt in me. I just don't know if I'm doing it right anymore.

It was alot easier when caring for her meant nursing on demand, cuddling her, letting her sleep with me, letting her nap on my lap while I worked. It was much easier to be "attached" with a baby who just wanted closeness and food. Now, it's a whole new ballgame. She wants to explore. She wants to get into things that are dangerous. She doesn't want to nap when she clearly needs a rest. I can't solve everything by holding her close and breastfeeding her anymore. I am supposed to actively play in ways that will teach her things, while at the same time not losing my own mind and being confused about how to engage a baby with such a limited attention span at this age. It is really a challenge.

Today, she didn't want to nap when it was clear it was time. She was fussy and rubbing her eys. She nursed so much while fidgeting and trying to crawl around but wouldn't sleep. She spit up the milk. I kept putting her back on her back, rubbing her tummy and saying, it's time to sleep (all on the futon, not in the crib, of course, so that I could lay with her, and "co-sleep"). I had to give up and see if she'd just play in her playpen for a bit while I at least took a shower and removed myself from the stressful situation.

I wanted to yell. I wanted to hit. But I didn't. Every time I want to do those things, I remember my dad's old approach, am sickened, and think better of it, sucking up the anger and working through it. But in the playpen, she cried and cried. Sad times for all.

Taking care of a baby is hard work!

Let me tell you about my $60 shower. We bought a playpen over the weekend from someone on Craigslist. It cost $60. I can now take a shower while the baby is awake, if I have to, without worrying about her inflicting bodily harm upon herself, since she is now crawling, cruising and all over the place. We don't use the playpen much. She likes to be free. But sometimes, mama needs a shower and she needs it now. So far, I've got one shower in. Hopefully, I get can in more and lower the price per shower!

I am determined to be a free-flowing "attached" parent. Limiting the restrictions I put on my baby as much as possible to keeping her away from those things that will harm her. I try to not enforce strict nap times, instead, I help the baby nap when it seems like she needs one. I try and let her explore and learn and be free. I don't confine her to a crib. Don't do sleep training. All that good stuff. Because of this, I believe, she is a very bright, energetic and happy girl. She is also showing early signs of being very strong willed. I like that, but it's sometimes hard to deal with. That, and her just being a normal baby who wants to do what she wants to do and with whom one can't yet reason. I sometimes get mad. I sometimes yell. I sometimes want to hit. Especially when she inflicts physical pain, pinching, scratching, head butting. She doesn't mean it of course. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to realize this and so I don't strike back. I have been known to curse her out, though.

Sometimes it seems like everything is a struggle...a wrestling match. Changing her diaper becomes "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling." Lunch becomes a scream fest. So, I was glad to find this post on Babble.com today—Anger Management: Losing your temper can be OK. The writer never exactly explains how it is OK to lose one's temper, but I guess it makes me feel a little better to know that other people do...people other than my mom, who admitted to me she'd yelled at me when I was a baby (this actually made me feel better, and what a tough call for my mom to have to make whether or not to be honest). I still feel guilty, though. Hence the numerous toys purchased recently. And clothes. BabyGap.

I'm actually hoping some of the toys I bought will help keep me interested so I can play with her longer. It's hard to be creative when you get, like, zero time to yourself and your sleep is interrupted by a little crawler practicing her newly acquired skills. Plus, many times when I do try and play, my baby would rather crawl away and eat a CD or get stuck under her high chair, or something. Who can know what the mind of a great explorer such as this can be plotting?

I know it must be something great. This much work can't be for nothing! Whenever my mom and I talk about children and babies, we usually end up exclaiming about the lack of understanding on the part of someone that these little beings are, in fact, people. People with feelings and desires they can't yet control or express with any finesse. I guess I forget this sometimes myself or, things become battles of will between two people. Being an "attached" parent and balancing between wills is definitely a challenge for me. I don't want to squelch her spirit or creativity, but sometimes I do have to impose order on situations. I guess I am still learning and will be for the next...eighteen years or more...

At least she will look cute in her BabyGap while she's driving me happily crazy!