I don't know anything

Lest people think I am seriously out here trying to tell people my way is the way to go, or that other people are wrong or whatever, I have to say, these snippets are just chronicles of my struggles and sometimes mini-victories. As of late, I feel like I have been having far more struggles.

An old taoist saying goes, Those who talk don't know and those who know don't talk, and that is very much the case here because each day, I feel like I know less and less.

Raising a child is more difficult than I thought it would be. Marriage is more difficult than I thought it would be. Both, I know, can be very rewarding. But, boy, are they hard sometimes. And I probably have good people that I'm working with in my husband and baby! Neither are really particularly difficult, I don't think. One just gets used to playing by their rules and having things their way by the time they get to be thirty-something and have basically been doing it their way all their lives. Then, other people enter the picture, and they need to refocus. And so, that's what my life is all about. Refocusing all the time, trying to make peace between my own selfish desires and what the people I love need from me.

Every day I fail. Every day I say I am not going to get mad at people or lose my temper. I fail. I say I am going to be sweet and loving. And I fail. I say I am not going to overeat or eat junk food. I fail.

At least I exercise regularly, so I'm not fat. But, as my husband reminds me often, the both of us need to get into better shape. That really kind of burns me up since I just had a baby six months ago and I have been trying to figure out how to care for her well while working an office job from home about 20 hours a week. Yes, I used to be in excellent shape before I got pregnant. And I do mean excellent. We're talking low-body-fat-percentage (18 -22, depending on the year), marathon-running, 2-hours-of-working-out-a-day kind of in shape. Now, I am just O.K. I know that someday I will get back to where I was, but that level takes more dedication than a new mom who is trying to work from home while taking care of a baby can achieve in just a few short months. It takes time.

Anyway, back to my heart and my failed attempts at being a loving wife and mom. I don't really have any legitimate excuses for my failings there. I could say lack of support and being tired from trying to do it all kind of wear on me and make me pickier about things than I need to be and more likely to snap, but, I don't want to take that cop-out.

I've failed in my earlier stated goal of losing weight by Christmas, but I think I can make up for it and do it in the first half (or maybe even the first quarter) of 08. I'm hoping I can get my heart and head right as easily during the new year and work on spiritual resolutions as well. I know I can't go on in the manner I've been going, so I have no choice. I must change.

I've been trying to sort of change myself unofficially over time, but I think I might need to create more of an action plan to make it happen...some rules to live by, you know? So, I will be thinking of that over the next couple of days (or weeks, depending on how busy I get) and try to map something out for the new year. Stay tuned.

Hip in Our Hearts

Yes. I am back. My hair still is stupid, but it'll grow out. I've given up "controlling" my baby and instead am working with her. And, I recently finished Alternadad, by Neal Pollack, and so maybe I do feel like I can give advice after all.

First off, Pollack's a good writer and his book was pretty entertaining. I didn't know this before I read Alternadad, but he set off a shit storm on Salon.com a couple years ago when his kid got thrown out of daycare for biting and he'd included clues about his & his wife's lame and listless parenting in the article. I'm not here to criticize their parenting, though. I actually felt a little bad for him after reading some of the nasty comments people made to him following his Salon piece. I'm here to criticize his hipster cred.

That's right. How hip is it to smoke weed every day at age 35? I mean, really. Seriously? Is that really necessary? That's so "in your twenties". Also, is Beck (who Pollack idolizes) really that hip? Beck? I guess it's just a matter of opinion. But mine is "no". Watching scads of corporate mainstream TV is not hip. Additionally, blowing money you don't have and being stupid isn't hip either (going to happy hours several times a week, paying for your mother in law to stay at a hotel with you to watch your kid, paying taxes with a credit card). Sending your kid to daycare when you and your wife both "work" from home isn't hip either (daycare costs money!). OK. So now I'm criticizing his parenting. Didn't mean to.

My husband and I are comparatively boring, but we are hip in own hearts. He chooses the life of a civil servant to make a steady living but not distance himself from his family with crazy corporate work hours. I work from home part time so I can earn a little money and nurture our child in the way we think is best at this point. We live in the (gulp!) suburbs. Yes, that's right. And ours is pretty culturally diverse, too. We still see live music, occasionally (my husband more than me, because he like to much more than me), we read, we travel. We have a great life...but we don't piss our money away.

To me, what's hip is not trying so hard to be cool and not feeling you have to partake in all of society's gooniness to make it through. It's about finding your own way in a way that works for you. I don't want to teach my daughter to like punk rock and be an anarchist. That's just silly. If she decides she likes punk rock on her own, then so be it. I want to empower her with the confidence and ease to be a free spirit, but an "anarchist"...no.

Anyway, I always am thinking how I have got to be a kinder and more compassionate person, and I don't think this post really accomplishes anything in that regard, so I'll wrap it here and just say that Neal Pollack is a much better writer than me.

Trading in baby books for tax guides

Well, it's official. I will be working as a consultant for my former employer. The contract's been signed for the remainder of 2007 and we've talked about 2008 a bit as well. I even have some other clients, too. Pretty much just what I wanted, but now, of course, I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. But, not with work-work. Rather, I'm concerned about figuring out taxes as a self-employed worker and what to do about my retirement investments. And then there's the matter of the new baby.

My child is a dream, though. She's a "good" baby as babies go, although I don't believe there are "bad" babies, just those that somehow need more and may not be getting what they need. Lucky for me, I think my baby is about average in terms of her level of need, and perhaps I am above average in what I am willing to give. So it works out—most of the time.

By "above average" I mean that I nurse on demand, I let her sleep with me as needed, and I don't let her cry for very long without going to her. I put her first. At times, I've felt the pressure (from where, exactly, I don't know) to get her on a schedule or to sleep on her own. I've done some reading on both sides of the scheduling/training philosophies and I've come to the conclusion that it's just not worth trying to force babies into adult modes of life. Things are much more peaceful, feel better and are just plain easier when I approach baby care with sensitivity and careful observation rather than trying to force her to do what I want her to do when I want her to do it.

For instance, we can try napping at set times, but sometimes, she just doesn't seem to want to nap, or, she needs to nap in my arms. Same thing about sleeping for the night, or "through the night" as is the big goal for so many new parents. I don't do the same thing all the time or feel the same way all the time, so why should I expect a baby to?

Still, I know a baby needs sleep, and today she would not nap at all. Then finally when she was really petering out for the day and it was time to sleep for the night, but she still wouldn't sleep. She'd drift off a bit during "nursing" and I while don't mind nursing her to sleep, she wasn't really going to sleep and she wasn't really nursing either, but just sucking on me, the human pacifier. I tried to stop this by rocking her to sleep instead, but she wasn't too keen on that. Finally, I got pretty frustrated and just had to put her in her co-sleeper and let her cry, if only to pull myself together. I told my husband I'd give her five minutes and vented some of my frustrations to him. It took more than five minutes, but less than ten, and she gradually stopped crying and fell asleep. I hope this doesn't count as "crying it out" because I hate that, but I really did need to step away from the situation. I don't think this is something I'll make a habit of doing, that's for sure. I hope she understands and knows from all the other stuff I do for her that I love her.

Focusing on training for things that are as primal as eating and sleeping just serves to make me feel bad in the end because the baby doesn't always do it, then I get mad because I'm focused on the training goal instead of what the baby needs or is trying to communicate, and then I feel horrible for getting mad at a baby—and resolve it by realizing I am really just mad at myself. But what kind of resolution is that?

When I observe her behavior and try to be responsive by helping her with what she's experiencing instead of fighting it, she is in turn much more responsive to my efforts and often, we can almost have a semblance of a "schedule"—for what that's worth. And, working from home, it is worth something.

Back to working, then. I'm going to need to trade in the baby books for some books on how to do taxes when you're self-employed. I know I have to pay some kind of estimated tax in advance and pay my own social security. I know that I might be able to deduct some stuff, like my Internet service and such. I'm glad. I know I can figure it all out, but I will need some outside expertise to navigate the technical world of taxes. With the baby, though, I'm done with outside expertise and instead will trust my heart and my instincts.

Happy Times in the 70s

My baby daughter had her four month check up today and is off the charts with height and weight. Breastfeeding rocks! Here's a celebratory clip.

Going on vacation

Today, we leave on vacation...and what a great day for the Huffington Post post on "disconnecting to connect." (Funny, because my soon-to-be former employer is in the thick of their annual conference right now, and I am spending the last week of my employment with them on maternity leave, and going on vacation.)

This poster's comment touched me:

There simply needs to be a balance between our capitalism and spiritualism. A society without the essential elements of both is simply going to lose in the end. Humans as connected spirits in this universe need the spiritual side to realize that all the money and recognition and power that they are striving towards will be left behind in this material world in 80-100 odd years. The urge to do as much in those many years is great I know specially as one hits mid-age. But then again who will even WANT to know you (the person) after two generations? I agree Lincoln and Washington, Gandhi and Vivekananda have followers even today but maybe that is exactly why there is such a paucity of men and women of great stature today. No one has the time to build their convictions and strengths. Everyone is running around achieving so much and getting nowhere...The more important thing seems to be communicating about it to get instant gratification and fame rather than the world feeling the effects of actions through time. Thus we have a president who rushes into war which the countrymen had no time to think about and I am writing here now because if I don't I would never get to it in my busy day... T

I bolded that sentence because in some ways, that's how I've come to feel about blogging, although obviously I know fame is not really something I'm going to achieve. I have been thinking lately, though, that I might need to do less blogging and more living...so, here we go...vacation!

Parents looking for work-life balance, use your bargaining power to turn the tides

Yesterday was a gorgeous late summer/early fall day with a strong breeze that makes you think…change is in the air. I spent most of the day inside taking care of my baby and working on the laptop, but managed to get out for a run before the day began and a nice walk after my work was done. I had the chance to reflect on the sense of change in the season, my life, and hopefully on a larger scale in society.

A timely segment this morning on Good Morning America sparked my thoughts yesterday morning. The topic—“Ways to Get Your Voice Heard on Paid Leave From Work Policies”. I actually had received an e-mail from the Mom’s Rising group, calling for moms to head to Capitol Hill for the segment, but I had my baby and my work deadlines, so it wasn’t in the cards for me, and I’m not sure I would have been completely comfortable in the mix.

I do support legislation that would protect families and children by allowing moms and dads to stay home with their babies longer without suffering financial hardships. However, there are so many unanswered questions about how such legislation would work. Who would pay for the paid leave? What about people who choose to have only one child versus those who have five? What about people who don’t have children at all? Are programs like this fair to them?

I believe all Americans have to come together and work for the common good, supporting policies that will help families and nurture our kids so future generations are healthy in mind, body and spirit. To me, this means policies that, at minimum, create an environment that allows a parent to be in the home with their child until they are preschool age (three years old) and for the child to be breastfed, if possible, until the age of one, at least. However, I also believe that people—parents—have power beyond what legislation or regulation might provide.

Skilled professionals command certain benefits in a free marketplace, but these people must also demand these benefits. A recent U.S. News & Word Report article highlighted companies like PricewaterhouseCoopers and Deloitte & Touche that now have special programs for employees who want to take time off for their families when a baby is born, but still keep their careers on track. These companies created their programs because they made sense from a business perspective. As the article states of PwC, “The company did not start the program out of a spirit of generosity: In 2001, it faced a 24 percent turnover rate.” A PwC exec estimates the cost of losing a client services' employee to be around $80,000, so their program pays for itself.

Naturally, the employees who can take advantage of such programs are going to be very talented and highly in-demand. But, other professionals, too, might also be able to negotiate deals with their employers to let them telecommute, work part time, work on a freelance basis, or take sabbaticals with mentoring and skill development programs while tending to young children. If they’re worth it, they might get the deal. Others strike out on their own as entrepreneurs or consultants.

That’s what I’m hoping for with my soon-to-be former employer—a freelance gig that I might eventually springboard into a full-fledged freelance practice with even more clients. This is just one way people can help shape the way business works to make it more family-friendly. The more professionals with bargaining power use their influence to shape the marketplace to suit their wants and needs, the more businesses will operate this way. People have the power to make demands on the market, but it takes planning, guts, tenacity—and sometimes sacrifice. Over time, we might make this the norm, and even help it trickle down to less-skilled workers…at least until legislation can get pushed through.

Here are some pieces to the puzzle of balancing babies and work I can note from my own experience:

Plan ahead
For our family, we worked hard for several years and saved in advance to allow me the option to stay home or work part time during our daughter’s earliest years. We socked away a nice nest egg before getting pregnant. Plus, I did almost eight years at my job, racking up sick leave that I was able to use so that during my FMLA leave so I was able to still take home my entire salary.

Work hard/Be talented
Over the years at my job, I worked to position myself as close to indispensable as possible. Of course, everyone knows nobody is indispensable, but being a key member of the team and trying to bring something extra to the table will help in negotiations for flexible work arrangements later. I even agreed to work part-time from home during my actual maternity leave because I wanted to stay in the mix of what was going on at the office and continue to position myself as a valuable asset. I’m now awaiting my office’s decision on how they might use me on a freelance basis, part time, from home, and my chances look good.

Be prepared to make tough choices
Of course, we realize we may have to set some priorities (I originally said "make sacrifices, but I don't believe that is a good term to use). We might not have the newest cars or clothes. We don’t get every single new little baby gadget. And, I know our bank accounts and my contributions to my retirement savings will take a hit for a little while. But, we decided it was worth it for us.

Stand firm
Once we made our decision not to put our baby in daycare, we knew that there was no turning back and we weren’t willing to compromise on it. This was what we believed, and short of a crisis situation, one of us would be home with the baby. If they can afford it, families with two in-demand workers might make the choice to walk away from one of their full-time jobs, or negotiate part-time work. If enough people with power and money make these choices, the market might follow.

Don’t buy crib company spin on recall—babies are OK in bed

Crib manufacturer Simplicity, recently tried to spin news about a crib recall to take a jab at co-sleeping—a healthy and safe practice done by millions of families around the world every night, and done in our house.

We use an Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper next to our bed, and also have a crib in a separate room for her (maybe someday) but in reality, our baby ends up in bed with us most nights after her first waking. I usually pick her up out of the co-sleeper and place her next to me to nurse lying down and we both fall asleep. It’s a wonderful feeling and it’s just so easy. Sometimes I will lean over the co-sleeper and nurse her there, but honestly, it's so much more comfortable to have her right by my side. I can’t imagine how parents who have their babies sleeping in another room manage when they wake at night and cry out for them, which most babies just naturally do when they are very young. It’s much more tiring, I think, to have to get out of bed and go to the crying baby than to be gently woken by the baby’s persistent stirring and then be able to tend to her before she gets worked up.

According to Attachment Parenting International (API), there are many benefits to co-sleeping. Co-sleeping helps babies regulate some of their bodies’ functions. The API website cites studies showing that parents being so close by may help the infant’s immature nervous system learn to self-regulate during sleep and that it may also help prevent SIDS by preventing the infant from entering into sleep states that are too deep.

Babies get more care with the co-sleeping arrangement, as well. Co-sleeping increases breastfeeding, and in addition to the known benefits of breast milk itself, the act of sucking increases oxygen flow, which is beneficial for both growth and immune functions.
Long-term benefits include higher self-esteem, less discomfort about physical contact and affection as adults and general improved adjustment to life. Another study showed co-sleeping children received higher evaluations from their teachers than did solitary sleeping children. Furthermore, a large, cross-cultural study conducted on five different ethnic groups in large U.S. cities found that, across all groups, co-sleepers exhibited a general feeling of satisfaction with life.

Some critics say children will never want to leave the bed, but according to API, many co-sleeping parents report that their children become willing to leave, with little or no persuasion, on their own around age two or three, as they mature physically, emotionally and cognitively.

With regard to safety, the API site explains that existing studies do not prove that co-sleeping is inherently hazardous. Rather, certain characteristics of the sleeping environment that can contribute to danger—smoking, drugs, alcohol, and unsuitable bedding, for example. Basically, you have to actually pay attention and be aware of your baby, even through the night, rather than setting her aside "safely" (or not) in her separate space.

One of the biggest problems with the perception of co-sleeping probably stems from a cultural bias. America's emphasis on independence, technology, and consumerism, as well as parents’ needs for time and privacy, may as contribute to the bias against co-sleeping.

Simplicity, the company that manufactured the recalled cribs, played on this bias in their statement about the recall. Seemingly trying to temper the bad news about their cribs, they called upon “child advocate” Nancy A. Cowles to express her concern that, “the recall could lead parents to let their children sleep in less safe environments, such in the parents’ bed.” Riiiiiight.

This statement comes straight from the crib company’s press release, but at least most news outlets had the sense not to use the following bit of misinformation on co-sleeping the company slipped in: "According to First Candle, a leading promoter of infant health, infants who sleep in an adult bed with their parents are up to 40 times more likely to die through suffocation or other means than infants who sleep in a crib," the company president is quoted. "Parents need to know that babies are safest in a separate sleeping space designed for them." Mmmm-kay.

So why do the crib makers try to scare parents into thinking their babies aren’t safe in bed with them? To sell cribs, of course. Yay, America!

I don't have anything against cribs, and some day we may even use ours. What I do have something against is misinformation being used to scare parents into thinking they have to buy and use certain products, especially in the wake of news of problems with these products.

Looking into the recall and into facts about co-sleeping did prompt me to do a check of how I arranged my baby's bedding, both in the sleeper and in our bed (in addition to checking our crib). The API site notes the following basic guidelines: infants should sleep on firm surfaces, clean surfaces, in the absence of smoke, under light a blanket; their heads should never be covered; the bed should not have any stuffed animals or pillows around the infant; and the infant should never be placed to sleep on top of a pillow. Sheepskins or other fluffy material and especially beanbag mattresses should never be used.

Morning musings on mindfulness (and more)

I'm posting this "fun" diary-type post here, though I usually post things like this on my other blog, but the host seems to be having some problems with the database server and I can't access it at the moment!

This morning I felt so sluggish. I was chilly and didn't want to get out of bed and thought both Ava and I could benefit from trying to go back to sleep when Daddy left for work, after having been up since just after 5 am. Well, my dear daughter didn't like that idea so much, so we had to get up and get out for a bit.

I thought a nice chai latte would warm me up and wake me up without caffeinating my breastmilk too, too much, and would provide a destination—the local Starbuck's—for a walk. So I bundled her up in and got her into the fake Moby (I accidentally had the real one shipped to my office, and I'm not comfortable going in there during business hours til my resignation's been announced to the whole staff).

So we had a nice walk. It's funny how we in the suburbs now have Starbuck's to walk to, but no funky little independent coffee shops. I think Starbuck's has kind of lost its cache (probably did long ago) as it's grown so huge and ubiquitous. Although, it apparently changes some people's lives! Anyway, I still enjoyed my drink and am glad there is such a place within walking distance. I'm not going to be splurging on drinks like this every day, but I am feeling a little bit more financially confident given that work has already offered me some freelance writing to last me through the end of November. Still, I've got to be frugal.

I'm now waiting for some work assignments with deadlines to flow in. I have some non-pressing things I can work on, but I'm not that motivated today and I want to save the time I alot for work for the things I know they will be expecting quickly. I'm just waiting on some missing pieces from various contacts.

I read a couple interesting posts on HuffPost today...one on "mindfulness" which they say is "the practice of applying a moment-to-moment attention to experiences—as they arise (whether the experiences are of the senses, such as sound or taste, or experiences of the mind, such as thoughts or feelings)." I've been interested in this kind of "meditation" for some time, and even got a book on the subject several years ago that I still don't think I've read in its entirety. This, being evidence of my own struggle with mindfulness. I always seem to be plotting my next project, thinking of my next idea, daydreaming about something. I have to say, though, that having a baby and having everyone warn me of them growing up so fast has made me often stop and savor a baby moment here and there. My child is already teaching me so much! (Ah...this springboards another idea for a project I must file away....)

But, even as she's teaching me to savor life as it happens, I'm constantly chasing the documentation of it all—which brings me to the other interesting post. My daughter is definitely among those "kids [who] are forming the most documented generation ever, as parents, relatives and friends capture forever the first, second and hundredth smile" this thanks to "cheap and easy-to-use recording devices—digital cameras, camcorders, camera phones." We are in the market for a new digital camcorder, actually. I just have to remember to enjoy all the precious moments as they're happening and not just frantically try to record everything somehow!

I'm signing off now to try and do just some of that savoring! (Speaking of savoring, I made veggie chili and cornbread today...will be a yummy dinner...)

My next life is here today

“A woman’s life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compelling situation or challenge, and each marked off by some intense experience.”

I got a card the other day from my mom printed with that quotation from Wallis Simpson, the American wife of Prince Edward, Duke of Windsor in the 30s. Read about her. She oughta know about change.

Anyway, inside, it said, “thinking of you with love during this challenging time.” And she added, “knowing that challenges help us discover what we are capable of accomplishing.”

I think she sent it to me in response to my venting to her about my feelings over leaving work to take care of my baby, as well as taking care of the baby in and of itself. But, actually, we did discuss how it’s not that hard to take care of a baby, just hard to do other things we’re expected to do in addition to taking care of a baby. Even “housewives” have housework to do, cooking, cleaning, etc. And those of us who are trying to do other kinds of work as well—writing, design, and personal upkeep things like reading and working out—can find it even more challenging. Still, it’s not that bad. I feel really grateful for my life.

I just think somewhere along the line something went awry in society in terms of how motherhood and raising kids is viewed. The mere fact that there was a decision at all to be made about staying home with the baby or going back to work is both great (for those women who want to work outside the home) and a little disturbing (because, for me, I believe that it's best for babies to have the individualized attention from their own parent, when parents have the financial wherewithal to do so). When did it become throw-away work, of those “less skilled” than we college-grad “professionals” to raise children? Why is it not the most important job? To me, right now, it is. I wish we lived in a society where everyone who desires could comfortably live a decent life on one adult income. I am just very grateful that we set the stage so that we can, for at least a limited time.

But, back to the “challenges helping us discover what we are capable of accomplishing” and all that about my “succession of lives.”

I told my office today officially that I would not be returning after maternity leave. For me, that’s a big change. I've worked there for nearly eight years. I am used to working outside the home. I even enjoy it, as a concept, even though I’ve been known to grouse about petty details. But, as I told my boss and our president in my resignation letter, “this truly is a time in my daughter’s life that I must focus on her care and development in such a way that working outside the home would not allow.”

I am going to pursue freelance work as a designer and writer, so I’m hoping over time to build on that from home, as I am able, and usher in the next in my succession of lives. What could be more “emotionally compelling” or more of an “intense experience” than giving birth? I’m hoping that this leap I’m making can truly spring forth with the same creativity and vitality that was inherent in my natural birth of my beautiful daughter and that she can continue to be an inspiration to me in the years to come.

I am truly grateful for her, for my husband and for my life and the next one and the next one...

Cultural clues in the business section: Drifting further away from nature, we need to hold on to some of our animal attributes

You can find some of the most interesting cultural commentaries by reading between the lines of the business section. Take the story in Friday’s New York Times about Nair marketing hair removal products to 10-15-year olds:

“When a girl removes hair for the first time, it’s a life-changing moment,” the VP of marketing for the company selling Nair is quoted in the Times.

We laughed when we first read this, my husband and I, but then I realized—she’s right. The ritualization and symbolism of hair removal is, in fact, nothing new. Wikipedia has some basic background on hair removal for social, cultural, and religious reasons—and more. But I wonder if our contemporary culture’s growing obsession with depilation may be loaded with new meaning.

The Times article notes, “It seems that Nair, which had just a few products in the 1970s and now has 25 (including waxes and bleaches) is gearing up to remove body hair from nearly every member of the household but the family pet.”

So basically, everyone wants to be smooth and mostly hairless like highly-stylized anime characters or human robots. So clean so perfect. So un-animalistic. So un-natural. I think this trend might be linked to our increasing reliance and ever-tightening embrace of technology. We are moving further and further away from nature. And we must nip, or wax, or burn off with chemicals, the hair as soon as it starts to grow.

“The whole hair removal situation has changed,” another exec says in the Times article. “Now people are removing hair from eyebrows to toes, and using all kinds of different products. People are more open about it and they feel more confident, cleaner.”

I think that the distance growing between humans (especially Americans) and nature, evidenced by bigger things like our disregard for the environment and other animals, and our birthing practices, is symbolized by a smaller thing—our eschewing our natural hairiness.

Digressing for a look at the birth example, this month’s issue of Mothering magazine had an article on the large percentage of Cesarean births today in America (5 percent in 1970, 30 percent today). The story tied this to our “fascination with and blind faith in science and technology as the ultimate antidotes” to our culture’s fear of letting go and letting natural processes take their course. What could be more natural than birth? Yet, a woman giving birth in a U.S. hospital “may have to contend with up to 16 tubes, drugs, or attachments while in labor.”

Now, I am no luddite or hater of technology. I am writing on a blog. I design websites. Technology has made it possible for me to work from home. I love much about technology. Yay iPod! Yay online banking and bill-paying! But, there are some places where nature should be respected. When nature does a better job, for example. Foods. Birth. And I think we should hold on to more of our hair as a symbol of respect for nature. We may use computers to manage our lives, but why not live a life in balance. Step away from the computer for a good portion of each day. Step away from the razors and the Nair. Go outside. Play with some animals. Even if the animals are just other people, play with them really, not just online.

I wonder what clever ways we can come up with to provide balance in our lives between the natural, animal world and technology?

On Keeping Up and Keeping On

September's here. It's one of my favorite months and it's off to a good start...even though I had a quiet meltdown today. It's Labor Day, last day of the long weekend. We kept busy, a music festival Saturday, baby's first hike yesterday (with me carrying her for the 7 miler in the Maya) getting back on track with my running today, etc. Problem is, trying to suck the last delicious drops of the weekend out before going back to "work" tomorrow, with a sore back. Plus, it was frustrating because the baby didn't nap well Saturday or today (though she slept alot Sunday during our hike). And so, today , when I was trying to just...get...a few things...done, damnit...I felt so tired and angry.

The baby wanted to be held soooo much and wouldn't sleep outside of my arms. One of the things I was trying to get done was to make a new carrier so I could hold her more easily with my sore shoulder. I managed to do it, with a milk break for baby in the middle, cutting some 6 yards of cotton/spandex rib knit down the middle to essentially make my own Moby wrap. I have high hopes for this carrier, and already tried it out around the house. I'm thinking the weight distribution over both shoulders will be a boon when hiking, or when I'm carrying her for longer periods of time. I still love the Maya, and my Hotslings, but I'm glad I looked into this other style of carrier, as well. I actually ordered a Moby online last night after hiking, since that's how I am--gotta have it right away. But then, I had to have one even sooner and so dashed over to the fabric store this morning, and you know the rest...I probably won't bother returning the Moby, since it's a different color (Moss) and as you can probably already tell, I am baby-carrier-crazy. (We have an Ergo, too, but I'm thinking that will work out more for Daddy's use when she's a little bigger.)

Anyway, I've been reflecting lately on how much I'm trying to get done all the time, how I am now always trying to "keep up" and I realized that I may have to post less frequently to the blogs as I get more "real" work to do, so I wanted to check in and give a progress report on some of the stuff I've mentioned earlier on the blog.

Generally, my busy schedule is working pretty well. I've been putting in between 16 and 20 hours a week at my office job from home (more to come on this subject later this month). I've been giving the baby plenty of care and attention, even as she begins to demand more active, engaging play as she grows. I've been lacking a bit in the fitness department, though, slacking off completely on my runs last week. I had appointments four days in a row, plus a pretty heavy work-workload considering I'm actually on maternity leave, and I just didn't feel up to it. But now I have a new goal. I'm going to lose my 15 lbs. by the end of December. (It may only be 13, but my weight seems to fluctuate day to day by a couple of pounds.) It should be fairly easy since I've been stuffing my face with abandon pretty much since I've had the baby and working out moderately. I figure if I just control myself a bit, and up the workout commitment, I'll hit my goal.

As far as the IYADWYADTYAGWYAG post, my first one, I have to say, things have improved with my husband. I think we are getting into the groove of life with a baby. Plus, he is really a wonderful man and a great dad. He is really into the baby. Playing with her, doing diaper duty, watching her when I go on my morning runs, and even when I went to the fabric store today. He tried to give me a massage today, too, but baby wasn't havin' none of that. At least we got to do some other stuff during one of her very brief catnaps. I think I learned, or re-learned, that things are better if you ask for things sweetly and show appreciation rather than nag and ridicule. Sounds simple enough, but it's so easy to slip into a downward spiral of negativity.

Now, for my review of library books...the books and CDs I checked out for my "Destination" post were mostly set aside for books from subsequent library trips that demanded my attention sooner. Sadly, I never listened to the French CDs once. (I will, though!) What I did read were The Wonder Weeks and A Thousand Splendid Suns. I wrote a little about Wonder Weeks on my other blog. Both valuable and incredible books. (More on both later.) I had to make these books priorities and read them quickly since they're in the cue for others to check out, and have holds on them!

So, I realize this is a terrible post, writing-wise. It's crazy and rambling, and who cares about all this? Well, it's just an example of how sometimes things fall apart. Life is full and wonderful, but it can't always be documented and described in a neat, clever, little package. So there. I'm pretty tired and disorganized from baby care and all my other tasks and attempts at fun and keeping a personality, but I am happy, meltdowns and all. I hope that though my posts may become fewer as I try to re-organize a bit, I can come back with some improvements and growth to show.

The Pleasure Principle, With Balance

A woman I know has some strange beliefs about health and spirituality and loves to talk about them. Oddly enough, she has more than her share of health issues. But, she’s trying. Trying to eat well, purify her system and get to what she believes is a higher level of health and spirituality. While I see her eat the same ice cream, cheese and other “bad” stuff I do, what I hear is how these foods are terrible for the body and that a raw food diet is the way to go. She shouldn’t be eating it. Someday she’s gonna quit. She needs to eat only raw foods, go completely organic, and do some fasting. Fasting! Good grief.

I, on the other hand, consider myself a bon vivant—with balance. I go for the pleasure in life, while staying safe, healthy and relatively wholesome. And, I would say I don’t have any health issues that I know of.

Now I know everyone is entitled to their beliefs and we should try and be respectful. I realize that some might say I’m weird for not eating poultry or red meat, or wanting to have a natural childbirth without medication, or for any number of things. However, in my opinion, her assertions are way outside the realm of reality.

I’ve heard her talk about people living to be 900 years old in ancient times because of purer foods or whatever. I’ve heard about people who are allegedly so healthy, if they get cut, it will heal up right away. She believes health problems are due to spiritual and emotional conditions and cancer comes from people holding in anger or fear or something. She even suggested that the pain I felt during my natural childbirth was because of my diet not being pure enough and because my mind was supposedly conditioned to believe I had to feel pain. Kind of like in that book Oprah was promoting, The Secret, whose author says, “What we do is we attract into our lives the things we want, and that is based on what we're thinking and feeling.”

I have a real problem with that because it tends to blame the victim, in the case of cancer and other misfortunes that often people really can’t control, and because of the unrealistic expectations it sets people up for. I went into my childbirth experience fearlessly. I honestly thought I wouldn’t feel pain, but I did, or, at least felt something that I don’t know the words to describe that was akin to pain. And it’s because childbirth is tough, not because of a bad diet or my mindset. I can say with complete confidence that I had a great mindset for birth. Sometimes you just feel “pain”. Just like sometimes you just get sick and it's nobody's fault.

My philosophy is more in line, loosely, with Mireille Guiliano’s as described in French Women Don’t Get Fat, where the premise is to enjoy life and savor its pleasure—within reason. Even Buddha chose the middle way when he was faced with the examples of the ascetic monks who lived lives of denial, fasting, and the contrasting wild revelers who overdid everything. Why drive yourself batty subscribing to extremes when you can embrace real life and its pleasures healthfully and with balance?

In Praise of Prolactin Action

Sometimes I get a clear message from my baby to SLOW DOWN.

I am a skilled mama with strong biceps and a sling. I can multitask. I nurse and type. I nurse and cook. I nurse and clean. I nurse and…yes, go to the bathroom. I’m sure baby appreciates my ability and willingness to nurse on demand and fill her little belly with all the nutrients she needs, but sometimes, she lets me know that I need to sit down and do nothing but nurse.

She’ll get a little fussy at the breast. No position will be quite right for her. She’ll root a little. Then she’ll cry just a little. Slow down, mommy. Why don’t you just sit down with me, or better yet, lie down with me and take a break. Just nurse and let’s spend some quiet time together.

I heed this call and it’s wonderful. I feel the curious mix of relief and exhaustion as the milk flows. I now have an awareness of what’s happening with us. If she’s awake, sometimes she will gaze up at me and I will look back down at her and tell her I love her and ask her, “Do you like the milkies?” If she’s asleep, or nearing sleep with her eyes closed, I’ll marvel at her beauty and peacefulness. The exchange between breastfeeding mother and baby is amazing. To think, I am feeding my child from my body, straight from me to her, pure, simple, everything she needs right now. From me. Someday, she’ll need more. Someday I can make her healthy solids. Some day I’ll go back to work and earn money again to help support her. But for now, it is this nutrition and this nurturing.

As many nursing moms know, both mothers and babies benefit from breastfeeding. The nutritional benefits of breastfeeding are well documented. The World Health Organization says, “Breastfeeding is the ideal way of providing young infants with the nutrients they need for healthy growth and development. Virtually all mothers can breastfeed…[and] exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age.” Additionally, mamas gain health benefits as well as emotional benefits from breastfeeding. As noted by La Leche League, “The child's suckling at the breast produces a special hormonal milieu for the mother. Prolactin, the milk-making hormone, appears to produce a special calmness in mothers.” Nursing also stimulates production of oxytocin, a hormone associated with a sense of well being—also produced during orgasm.

I definitely feel the calmness and pleasure. Although there are challenges to being a new mom—lost sleep, figuring out the new baby, figuring out new ways of relating to my husband, and more—I can definitely feel an underlying calm that almost defies the reality of the situation. And the times I’ve felt most stressed are the times I wasn’t tuning into my baby and allowing nature to do its good work. So nursing on cue can mean more than just feeding baby when she wants to be fed. It can mean taking the cue to slow down sometimes and just nurse. Moms deserve the break. Let the prolactin and oxytocin flow.

Sometimes It Helps to Have a Destination

Today I woke up after a rough baby night and just couldn't do my early morning run. Baby was up at 3 a.m. wanting to chit chat and gurgling around for at least an hour. Crazy thing was, I wanted to chit chat back with her, but knew it would set a bad pattern to engage her at that hour if I was trying to teach her the difference between night and day, so I had to just wait it out.

But, I digress. Too tired to run, I had to figure out what to do for a workout, and with low motivation, it needed to be good...Why not go to the library?

After doing an hour's worth of work from home, I got the idea. I recently had a wave of renewed interest in things French as we're going to Quebec City and Montreal this fall and are planning a trip to Provence and Cote D'Azur for next summer. Plus, with the sorry state of worker leave (maternity/paternity/vacation) in this country (contrasted with the luxe French way) and butter from the croissant I had for breakfast still on my fingertips, I had to feed the need and get some books to help transport me. The high temperature for the day was supposed to be 96 degrees (Fahrenheit), so we had to get an early-ish start and be quick about it. I'd finish up my work later.

So, off we trekked to the library. Three miles away, six miles round trip. I brought the stroller as well as the Maya wrap, which baby started out in, so we could alternate for both her and my comfort. I made sure to drink alot of water and breastfed baby throughout the trip to keep her hydrated, too.

It was definitely a decent workout and I got a set of CDs and workbook to learn some French as well as Mireille Guiliano's latest book French Women for All Seasons. (I'd previously read her book French Women Don't Get Fat and really enjoyed it.) I also grabbed an Umberto Eco book I saw and a book of bear poems to read to the baby (the latter, that is). I was set.

Walking home, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I'd found a great way to work in some good exercise and make a little bit of an outing of it. And I thought...it was cool to have a plan, to have destination.

Throughout most of my life I operated without a plan, letting whatever happened to me shape my future. I had a variety of interests and achievements. Playing flute, singing, writing and drawing as a child. Doing well at sports as a teen. It never all came together in a plan, though. I had no clear idea of where I wanted to be. Somehow, through the course of my 20s, over different relationships, jobs like waiting tables and selling leather sofas, I cobbled together a college education. I won't go into any more details in this post, but suffice it to say that I didn't plan much til I met my husband who is a big-time planner. Let me tell you, it helps to plan!

Both our plans for the future trips and my goal for the day of making it to the library on foot with a 6-week old provided me with inspiration. In future posts, I'll give more specific examples of how planning has allowed me to have a better life. For now, I'll just say that having a plan--a destination--in mind allowed me to have a better day.

Childcare Crisis

Two beautiful children are dead because a young mother couldn’t find a babysitter.

The tragic story of one-year-old Triniti Campbell and her four-year-old brother, Shawn Campbell Jr. dying after being left in a hot car when their mom couldn’t find someone to look after them while she went to work shines a truly hideous light on the childcare crisis in America today. This may be an extreme case, with a mentally unstable woman making an unusually deadly mistake, but often it takes something this dramatic to get people to sit up and take notice.

I can picture the beleaguered young mother as described in the Associated Press report, and my heart breaks for her and the children. Police found her crying and yelling, "Oh, my babies" and said she stated she wanted to die and asked officers to kill her.

I’m sure if her employer had to choose between giving her a pass on work that day or having her children dead, he or she would have made the right choice. Of course, the mother is responsible for her actions, certainly not the employer, but to a troubled single mom the choice may have been to lose a job that fed and housed the kids or take a chance and hope they’re OK in the car for a while. Was she not sane? Was she temporarily flustered? Where was the father? The grandparents? It’s clear she’s remorseful and as the case unfolds in the media we may learn more about her and what really happened. It’s also clear that she needed a little help.

Most people will probably sit back and say what a monster she was or how stupid, but instead I would encourage them to check out MomsRising, a grassroots, online effort to mobilize people to build a more family-friendly America, together as a non-partisan force for 2008 and beyond. As Illinois Senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama said, “Despite all the rhetoric about being family-friendly, we have structured a society that is decidedly unfriendly... What's missing now is a movement. What's missing now is an organization. That's why MomsRising is so important."

Today, I ordered their book The Motherhood Manifesto and will begin my journey to try and do something about the poor way mothers and children often fare in our contemporary culture.

Time Management

I finally got a clue about how to manage my time after five weeks with my new baby. Instead of being lazy and playing around on the Internet all morning, this week I decided to GET STUFF DONE during this time that she usually is mellow and often sleeping.

See, I used to lollygag around during her sleepy mornings and eventually get to errands and the things that matter later in the day. By then, she could be cranky. This week, I tapped into the power of flowing with the baby's schedule and it's working great.

Monday, I went running in the morning for about a half hour, pretty much right after we wake up, while my husband is still home. I found that the baby is very happy and doesn't cry when she first wakes up for the whole day, and my husband is just milling around getting his breakfast and surfing the Web and would welcome the addition of some googly baby conversation while he does this. Plus, he's very supportive of me getting back in shape. So we all win. I figure I will do this three times a week and once on the weekend for starters and build from there.

After running, I nursed the baby and cuddled for a while, catching up on my web surfing and talking to her a bit til she fell asleep. Then I got down to business prepping my dinners for the week. My husband and I take turns cooking dinner every other night (except for when we occasionally go out). I made the topping for middle eastern cous cous, some eggplant parmesan and the dough for calzones while the baby slept. She did wake up for a bit, but I was able to nurse again and put her in her swing for a little while and then finish up as well as do some other random household chores as well as some upper body and ab exercises.

Now the key isn't for everyone to follow this exact schedule, but instead, be mindful of what schedule your baby seems to be keeping and try to work with it because I think it quickly becomes clear to moms that when you try to go against the baby's nature when it is so young, nobody is happy and you get very little done. You also have to try and fit in little things when you can. You may not get to do an hour long exercise DVD when you have a five-week-old baby. But you can do toning exercises here and there and lift some dumbells. It all adds up.

Being in tune with my baby's schedule helped me optimize the use of my time and thereby make the time I spend in the evenings with my husband more pleasant, too, since we wind down in the afternoons and neither I nor baby are harried, and everyone is happy!

IYADWYADTYAGWYAG

"If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got."

I read this somewhere years ago and periodically it pops into my head.

Lately, my husband and I have been squabbling alot. I just had a baby five weeks ago and we're both figuring out how it's all supposed to work. We have new---and very different---roles. I'm staying home from work for the first time ever, for example. It seems there are so many things we don't see eye-to-eye on.

We argued about co-sleeping and when's the best time to migrate the baby out of our room. Not now---at least we agree on that. We argued about the purchase of a stroller. We now have four. We argued about how to spend gift certificates people have given the baby. I didn't think it was right to spend it on random household items or car repairs. He says, funds are funds.

Also, since I'm breastfeeding, I'm the one who wakes up at night and takes care of the baby, and I try to keep her as quiet as I can so he loses only a minimum of sleep. I know in other households, the father also wakes up with the mother for moral support, or, if they are bottle feeding or the mama has pumped, he will do some of the feeding. However, I don't really feel the need to make my husband do that, but I do expect him to face the facts that he will be getting less sleep and he does need to pick up some slack in other ways. I feel as though he's not doing enough to pamper me as a new mom. He disagrees, but hears me out and says he'll do better.

But, I know something is just not working and I'm wondering if the problem is my delivery. Here is where the "IYADWYADTYAGWYAG" and life coaching lesson comes in. I have got to do something differently if I am ever going to get the results I need. So, instead of spouting forth my complaints and disappointments, like I usually do as a woman who speaks my mind, I am going to try a new approach. I'm not sure what that will be yet, but I don't want to get what I always got so I have to stop doing what I always did.

It's almost August, a new month, so the next few days I'll be gearing up for the change and in August I will officially implement the change and get back to the blog with my results.

Mama? Me? Yeah.

This is a collection of thoughts during my first four years as a parent, as compiled on my blog "Mama? Me. Yeah." Just after my kid turned four seemed like a good "stopping point." Read through to the end and see why, or skip around these thoughts on motherhood and life from a non-mommyish mama.

UPDATE: Started back up! And it goes on...