No regrets: Why I won’t hedge my child’s psyche to safeguard my future comfort

The latest buzz on the interwebs ingniting the fizzling “Mommy Wars” with a new spark comes from journalist Katy Read who regrets “opting out” of her career years ago to raise her sons, now that she’s divorced and can’t find much good work. In her Salon piece, not only does she tell her woeful tale, she warns new mothers against making the same mistake she did. “So if some young woman with a new baby were to ask me about opting out…I would warn her not to do it,” she concludes. She’s honest, she does mention the mixed feelings, the good times with her young boys, but in the end, it’s not worth it.

Many voices analyzed the piece, most echoing its sentiments. Two Babble bloggers discussed the piece, one a SAHM, the other a former SAHM, both clearly in the cautious camp. Some rightly hone in more on the divorce angle. And a dad blogger gives what I think is a smarter perspective. Right now, we’re in a recession. It’s just as easy to stay at work after having a baby, so better safe than sorry, right? I guess hindsight is 20/20 and one “never knows.” Feminists generally emphasize women’s need to be financially independent in case their husbands divorce them and act like its a fool’s game to stay home with small children for a few years because of the hit a career could take.

I say, one should live their ideal life, prudently, of course, if they are able and should not settle for less in order to hedge their bets against an unforeseeable future—certainly not when it comes to the well being of one’s children. Sure, there is no argument against the reality of the numbers that if you’re at home with kids and not working for money, or if you are working part time for less money, that you are going to take a financial hit. I am contributing less to my retirement fund, yes. Do I care? No. Am I unique in my confidence that my husband won’t leave me? I don’t know. I just know that’s not how I life my life. I believe in prudence, of course, which perhaps has given me the luxury of having the choice to stay home and run a low-key business for a few years while my child is young. We saved, we don’t spend wildly now, we have simple tastes, and of course we are blessed that my husband has a stable, well-paying job. I understand that other people have different circumstances and I’ve learned (mostly) not to judge. I do have a problem with the advice to young mothers from this person who has experienced the bad-end failure to do something different based on her individual circumstances.

I tend to believe that if you hedge against staying with your husband forever, that very act of hedging alone chips away at the commitment and bond. If you have the “just in case” idea poison the purity of your vow, then, there’s a crack in the foundation. This is why its so important to choose your partner well. If you work because you want to work, you’re embracing life and living it. If you work because you’re thinking maybe your husband will leave you, that’s not feminist. That’s presupposing the standard is that you’re supposed to be “taken care of” and you don’t trust that you’ll get that. If you approach marriage as a partnership between equals, the choice to stay home and raise your children (who are your husband’s children, too) is you doing that part of the partnership that you and your partner together decided was a good way to run your family. The bond has to be there and I don’t think it’s healthy for the bond to make contingency plans. (This is very different from life or disability insurance, to me.) Its recognizing that raising your children is as important as paying the bills (at least!).

The real problem here is divorce, I think. I strongly believe that if a couple has children they should really, really make the most valiant of efforts not to divorce. I don’t believe that a full half of people in marriages commit such heinous crimes that divorce is warranted. People. Work it out. You’re not that hot on the market. You need to find your happiness in your own soul, not chasing the next great thing you hope will come along, not cutting the dead weight you think is your spouse. Get it together for your kids, seriously! Men who leave women with kids in bad situations are reprehensible. Women that leave men over small things and then moan that it’s such a struggle to raise kids on their own, I don’t wanna hear it!

I believe it is best for infants and small children (preschoolers) to be cared for at home by their own mother. Yes, I know about tribal cultures and villages where many cared for the babies and youth of the tribe. The children were passed around, everybody had a hand in it and played their role very fluidly. I respect and admire those cultures, and such an arrangement may well be good for children, but that’s not the reality of the culture we live in today in the West and using daycare is in no way even a close approximation of that way of life. (It’s a common line quoted to defend daycare…”it takes a village!”) You can believe what you want about early childhood. But, given what I believe, and given that I have the means to do it, I feel absolutely compelled to stay home til my child is in school (we’ll see what the next transition will bring in a couple of years) and no fear of my future earning potential could waiver my resolve or make me regret my choice.

I scrabbled a life together for myself for many years when I was young, before getting a degree, before getting married, and I have confidence in myself that I could do it again. I hold raising my daughter as the most important job I can do. These two sentences, to me, encapsulate more of what feminism should be than the weakness and fear the one won’t be good enough later and that one doesn’t matter in their child’s early years.

In defense of the Disney Princess (sort of)

It’s a common theme in fairytales and fantasy that if you believe in something strongly enough, it can happen; conversely if you don’t believe in, or give power to, an “evil,” you will be unharmed. These concepts probably aren’t very useful in many real-world situations of oppression where countries are run by militant warlords, women are routinely raped, there is no rule of law, and people are generally depraved. However, in the West, when dealing with matters of cultural and consumer warfare, I think the “not believing in” strategy can go a long way toward “protecting” ourselves against things we deem detrimental.

Consider the Disney Princesses.

Much has been made of the evil of Disney Princesses in contemporary feminist discussion. One blogger notes, “Arguably one of the toughest things about being a woman today is living in the shadow of all these fictional women we have been brought up to idolize.” Another speaks of Disney’s far reach “This is what little girls all over the world are watching.” And the well-known, scholarly Barbara Ehrenreich spoke out against the princesses back in 2007. Most recently, a mom and educator said in a guest blog on a “feminist” website (tongue-in-cheek, but with real complaints to back it up) that “Disney Princesses should come with warning labels.“

Now we don’t really do Disney in our house. Not in this way. We have some things that happen to be Disney. I know they took over Pooh. We have some old books with Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse and the crew that we bought at the thrift store. But we don’t have princess stuff. It’s not so much that I would be troubled by the messaging because I honestly think that all the subtext feminists are reading into it is beyond most three year olds (the age of my girl) and if they are attracted to princess stuff its because they really just might like pretty things. I don’t have princess stuff in my house or watch the movies because I don’t care for the aesthetic and I think the stories are boring and stupid. I wouldn’t mind so much the aesthetic of the old-school Snow White, but I think watching a full-length movie is too much screen time at once, uninterrupted, for a three-year old anyway. Other Disney movies I like: Bambi, Dumbo, Fantasia. To me, it’s about aesthetics. I don’t like the way people or anything else really looks in the new digitally-animated, hyper-stylized Disney animation. But, I’ve digressed.

What bothers me most is the assumed power this media has over children. Last time I checked, I controlled what my 3-year-old consumed—both in terms of food and media. And, shouldn’t this be so for all parents? Both the highly-educated, high-minded Barbara Ehrenreich and the local, home-grown person I’ve never heard of on The Feminist Breeder (TFB) blog act like they can’t exert any control over their preschool children.

“In faithful imitation, the 3-year-old in my life flounces around with her tiara askew and her Princess gown sliding off her shoulder, looking for all the world like a London socialite after a hard night of cocaine and booze… it may be old-fashioned to say so, but sex–and especially some middle-aged man’s twisted version thereof–doesn’t belong in the pre-K playroom.” Ehrenreich says.

The other blogger write of how she sends her boyfriend (not the child’s father) to get a gift for the child and he goes to the Disney store. (Two big “whys” in that sentence right there…) He gets the “wrong” toy and when she takes her little darling back to exchange it she “begrudgingly paid the $2.50 to the Disney Store clerk to ‘upgrade’ my daughter’s gift from the rejected Sally plush to the Belle plush…” and she then realizes she “will probably never win the battle of Jill vs. the Disney Princesses.”

Ehrenreich surrenders, too, saying “Let’s face it, no parent can stand up against this alone…”

And truly, both the Ehrenreich piece and TFB piece are semi-satirical, but the underlying notion that we, as mothers, can’t control what our preschool children watch and do, at so young an age, is hugely problematic to me. It should be no surprise, I suppose, when so many preschool children spend their days in the care of someone other than their own mothers and have been in such a situation since infancy. Still, the women writing these articles are themselves smart and educated and vocal. If they can’t exert control, I mean, who can? What’s the problem? Is it laziness? Is it wanting to pass the buck to “society”…a “big corporation” like Disney? Is it just so they can have something “interesting” to complain about within the notions of what “feminism” should be?

I don’t know. But my experience shows different results and while I think some of it is attributable to my girl’s individual personality, some of it is attributable to my influence, as well. I myself am pretty “tomboyish.” I’m athletic. My girl is well aware of me going running. She knows this is one of the things I do when she is in preschool. She knows this is what I do on Saturday morning when she and Daddy go grocery shopping and play. I don’t wear (much) makeup or none unless I’m going somewhere beyond preschool drop-off or the grocery store. I don’t speak frivolously or act frivolously or put undue emphasis on things being “pretty” or “not pretty.” This isn’t really because I make a conscious effort here, it’s just how I am. I speak loudly and firmly to my husband when the situation requires it. I sweat, I dig in the dirt, I lift heavy things. My daughter sees all this and this is how women are to her, right now because to her, I am the archetypal woman.

And this is the key. A mother has to be her daughter’s strongest influence. Certainly at age 3! Hopefully much longer than that, although I do realize that it is healthy to be influenced by other people and things as they get older. I think far too little weight is given to appropriate bonding with children. This isn’t just making sure they are well-fed and feel loved. Bonding is about planting the seeds in a family that they belong to you, you belong to them, there are certain ways our family is, that is us. Very hard to do (though not entirely impossible) when a child spends most of their waking hours being cared for by someone else the first three or four years of their lives when they are so very impressionable.

My daughter is very attached to me, having had me as her primary companion and caregiver these few short years she’s been here. I nursed her for about 33 months. We co-slept and still do a kind of semi-co-sleeping arrangement now, as well, that is agreeable to all family members. She does get out into the world for playdates and preschool, although I did not leave her with anyone til she was 2 and a half. At preschool (3 half-days a week) she is exposed to other girls, girly-girls who do princessy things. My daughter does like to be pretty and recognizes things she likes and doesn’t like in terms of styles and colors, but she’s not obsessed about it or into any deep story lines.

At a get-together of some families of my daughter’s preschool class, we parents were talking about our girls. Many of the moms were going on about how their daughters were into the whole princess playing thing. One said that the girl talks of how she will get married someday and calls this certain boy she knows her “prince charming.” I smiled politely but inside this made me gag. Not even so much because of feminist reasons, but because it is so boring, predictable and dead-end in terms of imaginative play. And because these girls are ONLY three. I was so pleased that my daughter was over in another corner playing Play Doh with the only boy at the get together (someone’s 5 year-old sibling) while the little girls were doing their princess thing. Not that there’s anything “wrong” with it, my girl’s just not interested.

Does Disney really try to push these princess characters as role models and if so, are you buying? I can’t say whether they do because I am just not all that well-versed in them, but my sense is that they are just pretty, shiny things meant to sell toys and movie tickets. There is not any “agenda” behind them other than selling stuff (a whole other post). That said, isn’t it up to the adults in the house to use their “power of the purse” then and not buy things that don’t echo their family’s values, if, in fact, they find these princesses so very offensive? I mean put “crack cocaine” in place of the Disney princesses. Wouldn’t you think someone a little crazy if they said “But my girl loves crack cocaine and all her little friends are into it…its everywhere…there’s nothing I can do…”

Now, I’m not the one equating Disney with crack, but some feminists act like it’s pretty damn bad. Let’s go back to the one who said “Arguably one of the toughest things about being a woman today is living in the shadow of all these fictional women we have been brought up to idolize.” Really? That is the hardest thing about being a woman today? Not the fact that across the globe women and children are being trafficked? Not even that the economic climate of today dictates that many women feel they have to place their infants in daycare so they can feed and protect their families, while giving up the bonding and influence they know deep inside is so important? Not a pay gap? Not figuring out how to breastfeed while working full time away from your baby? And who has brought us up to idolize these fictional women? Our mothers? Not my mom. She stayed home and took care of me when I was very small and was a strong influence in my life.

I think real feminism and real strength is manifested in actually being there for our daughters, actually exerting the control over what they consume, especially at so young and age, and shaping how they view themselves in the world—not just throwing your hands up and acting like you can’t help things. Is that powerful? Nobody is taking your power in this area, moms, you seem to be giving it up freely. Now lots of commenters and the blogger on TFB do talk about how they are going to turn dangerous princess exposures into “teachable moments” and I agree that’s good and important. But I have to question why 2 and 3 year olds are watching feature-length films to begin with and why instead, if you must give them media you don’t give them something else at this point in their lives? That’s a personal decision, of course, just don’t act powerless and call yourself a feminist…and expect my respect.

Just believe in yourself as a mother and don’t give Disney or its evil princesses the power you don’t want them to have and be your daughter’s heroine.

Dreamy dreams

Last night I had a dream that there was a movie out starring Sinead O'Connor as a lady who was turning into a robot because she was so negative. It had the Nick Lowe song, "What's so funny about peace, love and understanding" in it and that was the song that played on this movie's trailer. The movie poster looked something like the image I mocked up in about 10 minutes, above. I feel like this dream is a sign and a lesson. (Another good song to check related to this is "I do not want what I haven't got.")

Report card=FAIL

So, as a follow up to my last post back in August about focusing on professional issues and eschewing "mommy" issues...well, that didn't happen. I just didn't write about it here, but I became more embroiled than ever in various discussions and arguments online about parenting topics. Why? I think one reason is that reading short articles and comments and then commenting myself, from the gut, is a quick and easy way to fill time, and filling time is really all I have for it. It's not like I am going to set aside a half hour for website reading and commenting. It's little blips. Blips while I wait for an application to open for something I'm working on. Sidetrack blips when I have to look up something else for work and drift off just to check a little website here or there to see what the latest thing to outrage (haha) me will be. Blips between playing with my kid or getting her a snack or wiping her ass or cleaning something. My comments are usually well thought out, although they do capture my "gut" response, as I mentioned. I often express my opinion in angry or combative ways. I feel an underlying sense of anger and combativeness and I know it's a problem and I certainly don't want to foster that in myself. It is so contrary to everything I want to be.

But the snark just flows.

I am also a little lonely. I will admit, as much as I love my kid, she is still just a kid and a young one at that. Sometimes if I say "I love you" or ask her any kind of question, she'll say something like "I'll be baby jaguar and you be a red-eyed tree frog"...totally missing the point, right? Well, that's normal! She's three! But, sometimes I need more engagement throughout these long days. Throwing comments out there, I get engagement. It seems like throwing provocative comments gets me better engagement, too. Or at least, more. Pathetic, I know. The thing is, sort of, at more core, I do think the things I post are right and what I really think, but I would never force these ideas on people in the real world and I don't alienate actual friends and acquaintances in real life with my bullshit. Also, often the more I get to know people the more I feel like, meh, it's OK if someone works and puts their baby in daycare...I mean, so and so seems caring and nice enough, right? Or, so and so just has to do it because they need the money. Even when I disagree with people's choices, when I actually get to know them as individuals, the difference in our choices serves more as a point of interest, a curiosity, something to talk to my husband about or ponder, etc. But, when I am just dealing with words on a screen, it's like I'm not really dealing with an actual person. And, I think this goes the other way, too.

So, what to do? I have tried, although admittedly not very earnestly, to curb and cut off my reading of parenting sites and blogs. Should I just write about my reactions here, on this blog, instead of engaging in the barbs in the comments sections? Should I just try harder to swear it all off? I think in some ways it might be beneficial for me to explore my feelings and think more about why I behave the way I do online. I have actually had some revelations on this lately.

For example, I get mad and resentful at people that have lots of kids and lots can mean anything from two to five to more. I know two is not really lots, three is just barely lots, so I guess my anger is proportionate to the number of "extra" kids people have. On one hand, I often see and hear (online) kids being slightly neglected when there seems to be more than the parent(s) can really adequately handle. I see and hear about bad behavior in the kids, lack of parental control, financial stresses, moms needing medication, parents not being able to pay for college...and I think, why the hell do these people bring this on themselves and why do they expect anyone to help them out? Haven't they heard of birth control...blah blah blah. I also think of how crowded the world often seems. I think of our waning resources. It can get scary, the mental trajectory. But, then I heard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day (my child was in preschool) and I had to hold back my tears. When I got to the car, I broke down and I cried. I missed having a baby. I only have one child. Why? I could have another baby? Why do all these people get to have babies, babies, babies, and I don't? It hit me, part of my anger against these multi-child people was a little jealousy. Not all, but part.

What a horrible revelation about myself! What an asshole I am, right? So, I need to lay off that. Still, when I move past the cuddly babies and the primal, probably hormonal urges to procreate (even at my age?) I realize that it is really best for us to have just one.

Another thing that gets on my nerves is stuff online about how women have to work and how there should be government-subsidized childcare to help them do so. Mommy-war type arguments aside about whether little kids are best off with their own moms, I don't really like the idea of having the government take on yet more of people's private family issues. I know, I know, the government subsidizes corporations and wars, so why not families? Well, the government gives tax breaks to families already—for each kid, there's a deduction, right? And there's some kind of earned income credit or something for daycare, right? (I don't know the details, part-time preschool doesn't really qualify.) I just bristle at the notion that we should be taxed more so that someone can get their personal fulfillment from working since they can't manage to find it with their young kids, or, in hobbies or something. People seriously in need should get help, sure, but alot of these discussions deteriorate to women saying they just need to work for their sanity, or, to hedge their bets against their marriage failing and them being single moms. And to those points, I say, that is their problem and the whole country does not need to pay for it.

I guess I am angry because, yes, it is challenging at times to be home with a kid all day, or most of the time when they are not in preschool, in the case of this work-at-home mom. It's challenging, but its not without its rewards and value to my personal growth. And, I am doing it all on my own, I should say, we, as a family, are doing it all on our own. We don't have family in town to help. We live day in and day out, working, caring for our child. We make it happen. I know it would be harder with more kids, which is why we don't have more. So, when these people with lots of kids get online and go on about the help they need, I just think they need to take responsibility for and control of their own lives!

I know, of course, that these thoughts are not friendly or charitable. I really do want to be kind and I want to be compassionate, but at this point I think the best I can do for these types is to try to be indifferent and not get embroiled in debates in comments sections. I think I will just try to sort it out here in my own writing space...

A horrible mommy blog day!

This post is in honor of all the mommy blogs out there that post the most mundane, “what I did today” drivel that somehow entertains people. I am soooo mommy’d out and so tired of the upper-middle class political crap surrounding motherhood. My internal struggles in my brain get much uglier than any of that. Here is a made-for-primetime version of a bad day in my world.

The table-top fountain doesn’t work. I am devastated. I sob at the kitchen sink as I wash the few dishes leftover from our breadmaking this morning. We got the fountain at Walgreens today after “lunch” when I went in to see if they still sold ipecac syrup in drugstores. Apparently they don’t. At least I couldn’t find it and I was too afraid to ask. I asked where it was once as a teen and they gave me trouble. I figured the pharmacist would think I was some crazy eating disorder lady and I didn’t want to go down that road of proving I wasn’t. Yes, I wanted it to make myself throw up, but no I am not bulimic. I just had a regrettable lunch.

After a frustrating morning that started with a routine enough check of a client’s website, the matter snowballed into an hour with technical support. A bad way to start one’s day when one is having trouble being centered, balanced and focused in their days generally (lately). I’d been dealing with the technical issue on and off since last Thursday and I won’t go into the gory details, but emotionally, I felt like a beat up valise that had been to Bangalore, Phoenix and back (the various support specialists locations, no small coincidence). I take my work very seriously.

What makes it sadder is that today I planned on being a big “focus on my kid” day. We were going to draw alot. We used to draw all the time, but lately it’s been all play doh and blocks and draping scraps of cloth on plastic animals as “costumes”. But, she was doing some good drawing last night in the tub with her bathtub crayons and it made be think, yeah, we need to draw. We did manage to get a little drawing in, and, as previously mentioned, baked homemade bread. How’s that? Work on client website issue, draw with child, make homemade bread with child. Not a bad day, actually. But I feel broken in pieces, somehow.

I figured I’d treat us to lunch over at the Austin Grill. Kids eat free on Tuesdays. I vowed before I’d never eat there again after lame service and feeling gross from the food. But, this wouldn’t be the first vow I’d broken. So we went. Shrimp fajitas sounded good. A margarita…maybe. But, it was not good. My kid didn’t really eat much of hers. Mine tasted alright but not good enough to to make up for the guilt I felt for consuming probably 1000 calories for lunch. Guess I’ll skip dinner. The service was stupid and slow I had to ask for A, B and C twice. What they hell is wrong with people. We were like, one of two or three tables in the place. I used to waitress. I know when it’s hard. Anyway, I left feeling unsatisfied, dirty and gross and my hands smelled horrible from the drippy fajita juices.

“Let me just pop into Walgreens real quick,” I told my kid and we did. I trolled around the healthcare aisles but no ipecac readily available. Should I ask, should I not ask? No. Don’t ask. Then, on an endcap I saw these cheesy little fountains. The label said “Wow! Just $5″ I thought, aw, that’s a cute thing we can use with our animal and block set-ups. My kid would probably think the water running from the little spout into the cauldron and making the whirry flowing sound is really cool. “That looks…relaxing…” the teenage checkout guy said, like he knew it was a terrible, old-lady trinket, awful purchase. A plastic, made-in-China fountain. But it would delight my kid. I knew it would. “She’ll get a kick out of it,” I told him, motioning in my kid’s direction.

But now, I am back home with a bloated belly and a broken fountain (did it ever work?) but a beautiful kid, thank jah. After the bloat fades I am going to do some cardio to try to sweat out my frustration and start fresh tomorrow.

Being the best mom I can be, by focusing on other things

Following up on my recent posts where I've been trying to figure out what to do, who to be, I am again creating a point of closure here, which I hopefully can live up to, adhere to, in order to make room to do the things I need to do.

The best idea for achieving a work-life balance, for me, will be to work for myself and continue to build my business. So, to that end, I am re-dedicating myself to my design career. This means not wasting time debating SAHM vs working on the web, not wasting time worrying about what the feminists are saying or doing, this means spending my time working or figuring out how to work better, nourishing my creativity, building my skills.

I have felt a rising level of anxiety for some time. There is no specific crisis or nothing so majorly big in my life that I can pinpoint. Just a general sense of concern. Part of it now may be being in a funk for missing my man and having anxiety about what the future holds for me as a working mom who wants a good life balance and who will not make my child number two on the list of priorities. OK, well, maybe I am on to a little something there, and maybe that ties into a bigger matter of anxiety. I have felt a lot of anxiety lately of womens issues and things on TV, the web, the news. I don't want to get into it here, I don't want to take the time, I just feel like the best thing for me to do is focus on making my life the best it can be. If I was to dig in and focus on these bigger, world-wide issues, I would feel so overwhelmed and horrible. That's not to say I don't care (about the plight of women in other countries, about how our own Western society seems in decline as we place everything—money—above children and family) but I have to just be as good a mother as I can be and find ways within my own realm to show kindness and be a good person.

So, what can I really dig into and hang onto that's material and that can actually help me be a better mom by empowering me to have a good work-life balance? Bolster my skills so that I can build my business.

I am less angry.

Transitioning: Not supermom

I have to say I am changing my tune about the whole “mommy wars” thing. While I have said time and again that I think it’s best to stay home with a baby, I fully intend to be working more when my child is in school. I'm faced with having to contrast that with those mothers who decide to be full-on stay-at-home moms, forever, and then homeschool, too…well, I can’t "compete" with that. I used to think I was doing the greatest thing for my kid, staying home before she was school age—oh, the dedication, oh, the love—but here’s this person who is clearly going to do so. much. more….but something I could never do. I am beginning to understand the inferiority moms feel when they use daycare and others blast them for doing so, and then the feeling of picking yourself up and saying, no, I am just doing what’s right for my family…and so, everyone has their own journey and their own threshold of what they can do and what they can give…that's what I'm going to do, albeit on a different time table.

I believe that if you give your baby and young child a firm foundation, you gradually let them go over the years, and to me, this means sending them to school when they're school age (I am not against homeschooling and I think it's cool for many, but it is not for me, and my husband would definitely not be on board, first and foremost). It's funny now, because I have so much pride (not haughty pride, like when the Bible talks about it as a sin, but healthy pride, if you can believe in that) in staying home with my kid as a baby and young child, and now I wonder, am I going to be ashamed or feel some weird competition that I'm not doing enough if I don't stay home FOREVER. At the same time, having only one child and having them in school the better part of the day, it doesn't make sense for me NOT to work when she is older. My goal is to achieve a good work-life balance so that I can be there for her after school, not make her go to the after school programs at least til she is older and into the school groove for a few years, not as a kindergartner or first grader...but I do think I need to do some kind of work for money as she gets older (at least what I do now, very likely more). Anyway, I am now beginning to feel some of the defensiveness of moms who send their babies to daycare when I compare myself with other moms who are never going to work at all. BUT, the key, really, will be the work-life balance. Making it real, not just some vague catch phrase.