Being the best mom I can be, by focusing on other things

Following up on my recent posts where I've been trying to figure out what to do, who to be, I am again creating a point of closure here, which I hopefully can live up to, adhere to, in order to make room to do the things I need to do.

The best idea for achieving a work-life balance, for me, will be to work for myself and continue to build my business. So, to that end, I am re-dedicating myself to my design career. This means not wasting time debating SAHM vs working on the web, not wasting time worrying about what the feminists are saying or doing, this means spending my time working or figuring out how to work better, nourishing my creativity, building my skills.

I have felt a rising level of anxiety for some time. There is no specific crisis or nothing so majorly big in my life that I can pinpoint. Just a general sense of concern. Part of it now may be being in a funk for missing my man and having anxiety about what the future holds for me as a working mom who wants a good life balance and who will not make my child number two on the list of priorities. OK, well, maybe I am on to a little something there, and maybe that ties into a bigger matter of anxiety. I have felt a lot of anxiety lately of womens issues and things on TV, the web, the news. I don't want to get into it here, I don't want to take the time, I just feel like the best thing for me to do is focus on making my life the best it can be. If I was to dig in and focus on these bigger, world-wide issues, I would feel so overwhelmed and horrible. That's not to say I don't care (about the plight of women in other countries, about how our own Western society seems in decline as we place everything—money—above children and family) but I have to just be as good a mother as I can be and find ways within my own realm to show kindness and be a good person.

So, what can I really dig into and hang onto that's material and that can actually help me be a better mom by empowering me to have a good work-life balance? Bolster my skills so that I can build my business.

I am less angry.

Transitioning: Not supermom

I have to say I am changing my tune about the whole “mommy wars” thing. While I have said time and again that I think it’s best to stay home with a baby, I fully intend to be working more when my child is in school. I'm faced with having to contrast that with those mothers who decide to be full-on stay-at-home moms, forever, and then homeschool, too…well, I can’t "compete" with that. I used to think I was doing the greatest thing for my kid, staying home before she was school age—oh, the dedication, oh, the love—but here’s this person who is clearly going to do so. much. more….but something I could never do. I am beginning to understand the inferiority moms feel when they use daycare and others blast them for doing so, and then the feeling of picking yourself up and saying, no, I am just doing what’s right for my family…and so, everyone has their own journey and their own threshold of what they can do and what they can give…that's what I'm going to do, albeit on a different time table.

I believe that if you give your baby and young child a firm foundation, you gradually let them go over the years, and to me, this means sending them to school when they're school age (I am not against homeschooling and I think it's cool for many, but it is not for me, and my husband would definitely not be on board, first and foremost). It's funny now, because I have so much pride (not haughty pride, like when the Bible talks about it as a sin, but healthy pride, if you can believe in that) in staying home with my kid as a baby and young child, and now I wonder, am I going to be ashamed or feel some weird competition that I'm not doing enough if I don't stay home FOREVER. At the same time, having only one child and having them in school the better part of the day, it doesn't make sense for me NOT to work when she is older. My goal is to achieve a good work-life balance so that I can be there for her after school, not make her go to the after school programs at least til she is older and into the school groove for a few years, not as a kindergartner or first grader...but I do think I need to do some kind of work for money as she gets older (at least what I do now, very likely more). Anyway, I am now beginning to feel some of the defensiveness of moms who send their babies to daycare when I compare myself with other moms who are never going to work at all. BUT, the key, really, will be the work-life balance. Making it real, not just some vague catch phrase.

Transitioning: Erudio Interruptus

A while back I wrote about transitioning to working from home. While I've worked part-time from home ever since my child was born over three years ago, I've always felt like a "stay-at-home-mom" anyway. I know, though, that my days as a SAHM are numbered. It won't end next month or even next year, but in upcoming years—kindergarten, first grade (?) my child is going to be in school several hours a day and it just doesn't make sense for me not to work. Besides, my husband thinks we need the money. He is less of a "living with less" scrabbler than I am, on one hand, even though he is, in reality more frugal than me, I know, if I had to, I could cut back. He is more concerned about retirement, nice vacations, paying for our kid's college. I guess I am on board with those needs for money, too. But, after all, we are dealing with all those things now, even on my more limited salary, and so I feel less urgency to give more of myself over to earning wages. Not because I am lazy, but because I want to be a good mom.

This leads to my big quandary to be faced when it comes time to ramp up. How can I hold a job that brings in the money I "deserve" (so to speak) that utilizes my skills, but that is not so demanding that I cannot make my kid my priority? I don't want her to go to afterschool programs (if she doesn't want to, and certainly not in kindergarten). I don't want her to have to go to day camp all day in the summer (if she doesn't want to...maybe she will want to?). But, I do want to work for money.

The Radical Homemakers ethos appeals to me. Cut back. Be frugal. Grown your own veggies. Put them up. Live on less. Don't be a slave to the extractive economy. However, I do enjoy graphic design and communications quite a bit and it is a good wage-earning career. And I'm crunchy and non-materialistic, but I don't know how ready I am to go that far off the grid. My husband is a good barometer of sensibility and I don't know how on board he'd be with that, either. Balance, is important to me, too. I guess the very word "radical" moves away from the idea of "balance" on one hand, but on the other, maybe the way the world is is so off balance that we need something radical to put it back in balance. Anyway, I'll do my part, but I still am going to have to work.

One idea I have is to continue to work as an independent consultant–a freelancer. I worry about what would happen if I lost by biggest client. I guess I would get more clients. I wonder if I could get enough to make enough. It's nice that I have the safety net of my husband's steady job, that's true. But, I want to be solid, as well. It's possible to do this on my own, as a consultant. Or, maybe, by then, there will be a turning in the culture of work and it will be possible to get a job that's, say, 30 hours a week or something. I just don't want to be like the so many middle class people I hear about who are scrambling around juggling hectic schedules and having their kids fall through the cracks.

My concern about this of late even got me to considering, for like a day, getting a Master's in Education and becoming a teacher. I figured the hours would be great for a mom. Most of the information I got from those in the field who I polled said otherwise. My brother said, "If, as you admitted, your interest in becoming a professional early childhood, elementary, or secondary educator is to improve or seek a 'work-life balance' that appeals to someone wanting more flexibility in their family life, your motives are at great risk of resulting in disappointment. While the "value to society" motive is a driving force, it sometimes—make that often times—has become a divisive element in my home. I do not have any free time."

My husband, who was a teacher in his past life said, "You say it would be good as a mother, but I completely disagree. It's a profession that goes way beyond the hours of 9-5, and dealing with kids all day may zap you of the energy and enthusiasm you need to share with you onw in the evening. When I was teaching, I always said I didn't think I could deal with kids all day, then have to go home and deal with my own...that I'd either have to quit teaching, or never have kids. But that's me...Sorry for throwing in my two cents, but it's a topic that I have very strong feelings about...not that I'm trying to control you, but rather from my very own experiences in teaching that made me a very, very unhappy person for quite some time."

A friend said, "The idea of being a positive influence in kids lives is pretty uplifting...but in actuality, i'm with your husband. I personally don't like it. I also think it depends on what you want to teach. I think that elementary vs. high school is something to consider. I was an elementary (young-2/3rd grades) and it's very draining. He's right, you don't have much free time, and even when you're not in school working, you feel like you should be. I imagine High School is very different in the day to day teaching, but the same outside of school...always feeling like you should be grading papers, lesson planning, etc. It can also be very frustrating, as there are many demands put on you outside of your actual 'job' of teaching...paper work and such."

Another said, "I'm still struggling to find that work-life balance. I haven't been too successful as of yet, but I am still a relatively new teacher, so I'm hoping this year will calm down a little more for me. I work 12 or more hour days most days. For me, the balance has come in the summer and in the plentiful vacation time that I get. Yes, I am off by 3:00 every day, but there are papers, lesson plans, paperwork, bulletin boards, tests, phone calls, etc etc to do. You are never done. There are some teachers who manage to walk out the door at 3:02, but honestly, they are not the type of teacher you would probably want to be. The first two years are hell."

OK. So. Not gonna do it.

The problem of motherhood being politicized

I work for clients, for money, and you could say I run my own business as an independent consultant, so I may not be the one feminists criticize when they criticize stay-at-home moms or "housewives." But although I bring in 25-30% of our household income (not an insignificant portion), I do identify as a SAHM and, to some extent, a housewife. I'm not sure why I identify as such, especially given that when my child is school age I intend to work more in pursuits outside of the home, for money. I think part of it may be the way that I was raised—by a SAHM, as well as the value I put on a mother being highly involved in the earliest years of a child's life that necessitates, at least for a period of time, the prioritizing of home and children over career. So, even if I did not have this golden opportunity to work part time from home while raising my child in her early years, I would choose to be at home and take the financial and ego and career hit because I do think the kid is more important and there's no substitute suitable for my child, for whom I want the best.

It angers me, then, to read the views of Nancy J. Hirschman, and fellow feminists, who, in various ways, over-complicate some things that I feel are pretty common sense and basic: First, that many (if not most) women would want to nurture their small children and build a home, if they could afford not to go to work when the child is very young—unless they, of course, have been brainwashed by feminism to think that this is a non-progressive choice and actually care about such things more than the welfare of their children. Second, that a young child is truly best cared for in a home setting, with a parent (their parent, preferably, and in my opinion, their mother, as the top preference, certainly for those under a year who should be breastfeeding) providing their care and nurturing. Third, that life is long and a woman can choose to take a 3-5 year "sabbatical" to care for her young child and get him or her off to a strong start, then jump back in and build, or rebuild her career or a new vocation/profession.

(For those women who would choose to have more than one or two children, I'd say they would really have to be able to carve more time than the 3-5 years out, then, and a career might not be as realistic for a while, or forever, if you're going to do right by your kids, as more children require more of your time and attention, naturally. Further, in today's ecological climate I bristle a bit at those who choose to have several children. I wonder about their environmental awareness, their awareness of the level of attention children need and their hubris in thinking they are either so great they can handle it or they are so great that it is somehow their right to overpopulate the world with their wonderful seed. But, that is another post, and I digress...and I must be careful not to judge—too harshly—and I realize that last bit was pretty judgmental).

The staunches of these essayists call for "true feminists" to put their babies in daycare so they can carry the torch for the sisterhood. Equal pay, workplace rights, etc. etc. are more important than their children, who can easily be cared for by a low-wage daycare worker or nanny or whatever. Especially the well-educated should do this. They should not squander their education. Thing is, why work if you don't have to? Moreover, why work if you don't want to (and don't need to)? This post is going to run out of steam because I'm already on to other things, but I felt like I needed to sort of get this one out and get it posted so if anyone was interested they could see the link and read the essays.

There is a good one up there by Shannon Hayes, author of Radical Homemakers, a book I read recently, coincidentally, that has all kinds of inspirational stuff about breaking away from the work-a-day world of the extractive economy and instead doing work that builds up the "Earth Community." In her essay, she says "The Real Battle is Elsewhere" and this really resonates with me. She says, "Worrying about the fight for equality in an extractive economy is like attempting to save a sinking ship by mending a sail. Neither sex is winning the fight. "

And, she says, "The race to see who can bring home more of them has left us bereft as a nation. We lead the world in reckless consumption, we are in the midst of a depression epidemic, we are no longer one of the healthiest populations, we work more hours than residents of most other industrialized countries, and we have one of the highest school dropout rates in the industrialized world.

The sad irony is that as we worry about who gets to climb higher and earn more money, income disparity grows larger, and, for most, the bottom line never seems to improve. Household net worth dropped dramatically in recent years, and Americans’ personal savings rates currently hover at just above a paltry 3 percent.

I agree with Hirschmann that negotiation for shared domestic responsibility is important. But it seems that the scorekeepers are always authorities external to ourselves—especially employers who stand to gain from our struggles to prove who will be the more loyal slave."

The problem is when you politicize something like motherhood and take it beyond the individual relationships and try to make it a weapon in some wage war for equality, you destroy individuals' rights to do what they want to do. Isn't feminism about women doing what they want to do and not being forced to do something else? Children and mothers shouldn't be victims (again) in labor wars. It seems many in America (who are actually working) are overworked and are compelled either by some intrinsic competitive pathology or by fear of unemployment to be squeezed by employers. That, and they work too many hours because American corporate culture is highly wasteful (another digression, another post, a great conversation among experts on this on the NYT website).

For my part, I feel like I am lucky, during my kid's early years, to have a husband who makes most of the money, allowing me to have a more laid-back job from home, but who is still is very hands-on with our kid when he is home. When she is older, I will ramp back up with the outside earnings (we often joke, too, about me being a VP—because I am to some extent ambitious—and him staying a steadfast civil servant with lots of vacation time to spend with her).

Again, one of the things that bothers me so much about some of the feminist rhetoric is that it ignores that there are seasons to life and that staying home with a small child does not necessarily mean a woman is finished with pursuing any kind of career forever. In fact, I think the difficulty of jumping back in is often over-stated by hard-core feminists (either that, or I am just not aiming for that high-level of a career when I do go back, actually).

Going back to work has been on my mind alot, lately, which I'll address in another post. But, for now, I cherish my time at home and know I am doing a wonderful thing for my daughter.

What does yoga mean to me?

I came across an article in the NYT that showed a side of yoga I don't really know. I mean, it's not that hard for me to see that this side would be out there, that it would exist, but I guess it's just not on my radar. It makes sense that anything people enjoy could also become a source for business and enterprise, but it's just not what yoga means to me.

The article opens saying "There is so much going on in John Friend’s life right now that an assistant once teased him about waking just before dawn and calling to ask for coffee, only to be reminded that he, Friend, was in Quito, Munich or Seoul, while the assistant was back at home base in the Woodlands, a cushy suburb north of Houston."

That's funny. Too busy, too crazy, scattered. The exact opposite of what yoga is supposed to be. To me.

I do yoga in any old comfortable clothes, in my house, with a DVD, while my kids plays around me. It brings me peace. It gets my blood flowing. It cleanses me, centers me, balances me. I need this. Alot.

I don't get the expensive classes, retreats and gear. Yoga is almost like brushing my teeth, but more special. Maybe it's like a religion, too. People go on religious retreats, I guess. But, for me, it's just a part of my day I really love that I need to use to keep me on track, mentally, physically and spiritually.

On the other hand...

You know what...at first I was more of a free-market mind about this and critical of it. Why should businesses have to toe a line, etc. etc. etc? But after reading comments on other articles covering the story and in the same reading session seeing news of child brides in the Middle East and other countries who die or are abused, it really hit me that...WE NEED THIS (breastfeeding legislation). I wish we didn't need it. I wish people naturally treated women (humans in general) with decency because it was the right and humane thing to do. I wish people automatically treated breastfeeding women with dignity and didn't go out of their way to make them feel awkward and ashamed, but after reading women's experiences expressed in comments and reading some of the snide and nasty things the public has to say about breastfeeding, it is clear that, yes, we do need legislation to force people to behave decently. The child-bride thing comes in because, it seems to me, that women's lowly place in these cultures and the corresponding economic dependency plays a big role in creating a society that condones these young girls to live unfulfilled lives of sadness (and in many cases abuse) with old, lecherous men....so, I've changed my tune to some extent.

Breastfeeding: Don't try this at home

Be careful what you wish for.

In my view, this sentence sums up much of what feminism has brought society in the past 30-40 years. Women can now hold jobs next to men and the majority do. But, all these women in the workforce have contributed to an economy that, for many families, demands that they work, along with their husbands, just to keep a middle-class household afloat, unless they can do some very good planning, serious budgeting or things fall into place just so. Yes, now we women can play with the big boys. We can do anything we want. Great. But, equal opportunity does not mean equal expression or equal execution.

The latest "victory" is a stipulation in the health care bill requiring companies with more than 50 employees to provide a space for nursing mothers of children less than a year old to pump their milk. The space has to meet certain requirements: 4x6 feet, electrical outlet, sink, private, etc. One on hand, I like that it will be easier for women to get breast milk to their babies, but on the other hand, I lament that many women are away from their babies during the first year of the babies' lives and I question the repercussions the legislation will have on business and employees.

How did it ever come to this? A woman, her new baby in another room somewhere, being looked after by some other person, sits attached to a machine that pumps milk out of her body. She then stores it in bottles that will later be used to feed the baby. Now she can get back to work. Does this strike anyone else as kind of inhumane and weird?

I never took to pumping. I admire women who do it, to some extent, because I find it so offputting and I know I am very fortunate to have been able to not be separated from my baby in a way that would necessitate pumping. I was offered an extra pump by a friend with the suggestion that it would give me freedom. I could get away for a few hours more than I would without the pump. Something just didn't appeal to me about it. I never looked back. It was going to be just me and my baby. Together. On demand. That was what I was meant to do for this first year or so of her life. I later tried a hand-held manual pump when she transitioned to solid foods, thinking that I could mix some in with food for her and make breastmilk creations...but that didn't take off for us either.

Breastmilk has been shown to have many health benefits for babies, but I have to wonder, is it just the milk? It strikes me as unnatural and strange that we now think it is a great idea to suck the milk out of a woman with a machine and have someone else feed it to her baby from a bottle. We finally have our freedom. We don't have to be tied to our babies, at home. But, it's like the mom doesn't even matter. We just need to get the milk out of her. Well, I like to think that I matter to my baby, now my child, that it's not just a matter of her getting the milk. Call me narcissistic.