On the other hand...

You know what...at first I was more of a free-market mind about this and critical of it. Why should businesses have to toe a line, etc. etc. etc? But after reading comments on other articles covering the story and in the same reading session seeing news of child brides in the Middle East and other countries who die or are abused, it really hit me that...WE NEED THIS (breastfeeding legislation). I wish we didn't need it. I wish people naturally treated women (humans in general) with decency because it was the right and humane thing to do. I wish people automatically treated breastfeeding women with dignity and didn't go out of their way to make them feel awkward and ashamed, but after reading women's experiences expressed in comments and reading some of the snide and nasty things the public has to say about breastfeeding, it is clear that, yes, we do need legislation to force people to behave decently. The child-bride thing comes in because, it seems to me, that women's lowly place in these cultures and the corresponding economic dependency plays a big role in creating a society that condones these young girls to live unfulfilled lives of sadness (and in many cases abuse) with old, lecherous men....so, I've changed my tune to some extent.

Breastfeeding: Don't try this at home

Be careful what you wish for.

In my view, this sentence sums up much of what feminism has brought society in the past 30-40 years. Women can now hold jobs next to men and the majority do. But, all these women in the workforce have contributed to an economy that, for many families, demands that they work, along with their husbands, just to keep a middle-class household afloat, unless they can do some very good planning, serious budgeting or things fall into place just so. Yes, now we women can play with the big boys. We can do anything we want. Great. But, equal opportunity does not mean equal expression or equal execution.

The latest "victory" is a stipulation in the health care bill requiring companies with more than 50 employees to provide a space for nursing mothers of children less than a year old to pump their milk. The space has to meet certain requirements: 4x6 feet, electrical outlet, sink, private, etc. One on hand, I like that it will be easier for women to get breast milk to their babies, but on the other hand, I lament that many women are away from their babies during the first year of the babies' lives and I question the repercussions the legislation will have on business and employees.

How did it ever come to this? A woman, her new baby in another room somewhere, being looked after by some other person, sits attached to a machine that pumps milk out of her body. She then stores it in bottles that will later be used to feed the baby. Now she can get back to work. Does this strike anyone else as kind of inhumane and weird?

I never took to pumping. I admire women who do it, to some extent, because I find it so offputting and I know I am very fortunate to have been able to not be separated from my baby in a way that would necessitate pumping. I was offered an extra pump by a friend with the suggestion that it would give me freedom. I could get away for a few hours more than I would without the pump. Something just didn't appeal to me about it. I never looked back. It was going to be just me and my baby. Together. On demand. That was what I was meant to do for this first year or so of her life. I later tried a hand-held manual pump when she transitioned to solid foods, thinking that I could mix some in with food for her and make breastmilk creations...but that didn't take off for us either.

Breastmilk has been shown to have many health benefits for babies, but I have to wonder, is it just the milk? It strikes me as unnatural and strange that we now think it is a great idea to suck the milk out of a woman with a machine and have someone else feed it to her baby from a bottle. We finally have our freedom. We don't have to be tied to our babies, at home. But, it's like the mom doesn't even matter. We just need to get the milk out of her. Well, I like to think that I matter to my baby, now my child, that it's not just a matter of her getting the milk. Call me narcissistic.

So much ambivalance

I work from home doing consulting, so I guess my story is a little different. And my husband has pretty extreme job security. And, we saved big time for several years before having a kid so could live off our savings for over a year if we had to…yeah, unique in this economy, I suppose, but at the same time, nothing a little planning couldn’t provide many people. I think it’s a little over-stated the myth of how far back you’ll be staying home for a few years…if you can work part time from home, or you can read up/study/keep in the loop in your profession (which you should) maybe do some pro bono or volunteer work that relates to your field, you will be alright. No, you haven’t been on the climb those years you’re out, but you still have a foot in the game. Of course, there are myriad different situations people have and I’m in no position to justify or give advice to all of them, I just think that in this day and age too many people *assume* they have to do the childcare thing when, if they thought things through, they really may not have to. Also, I’m not one to hedge bets on my marriage failing (another big argument the feminists have). In my life, I “go all in”. I go all in to my marriage, I go all in with my kid. I don’t hedge my bets.

So I was thinking about my last post and rereading and realize that maybe I am a big a-hole. It does sound like I live a pretty charmed and easy life. So I am going to just shut up. Maybe other people don’t have it so easy (much of which I think they may bring upon themselves…but I don’t know and I should not judge). So, OK, work if you want, formula feed, whatever, sleep train. It’s not for me, but I’m not you…

Why is talk of our children 'taboo' in the business world?

I'm a "work at home" mom to a young one now, but someday, when my kid's a little older I will probably go back to being a salary slave to someone else's operation, unless I decide to grow my business and continue working for myself. So, I really enjoyed these musings in the Wash Post about "one of the deep cultural rifts of our time"...where the write notes that "the business of raising humans is an inextricable part of our daily world, whether we're parents or not. And, too often, we shun writing or even talking about it because our workplace culture doesn't want to hear that every coin has two sides." I'm beginning to see things in new ways myself...

Yeah.

Is motherhood a form of oppression?

OK...so I just had to resurface to address this latest blip on the madness meter:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article7070165.ece

First let me answer: NO

I felt like I had to at least acknowledge and express my eye rolling displeasure at this, especially having hinted at the notion that maybe the French have some better insights on life than we Americans. And my always reverential recollection of Paul Krugman's column from a few years ago espousing 'French Family Values'...I am now doubting this...but should we really generalize, anyway?

I think this old bat, Elisabeth Badinter is full of 'merde'. Maybe me being German and Lithuanian predisposes me to the die mutter/earth mother archetype, but it's what makes me happy.

What's oppressive is an economy that makes it "necessary" for two adults to work full time to run a middle-class household...I blame bad policy making and I blame feminism to some extent.

No Western women are oppressed by motherhood! What a joke. You want to go back to work, you go. You want to formula-feed, or combo-feed or whatever, fine. Disposable diapers are still on the shelves and easily had. What's the problem? People do exactly what they want to do.

I am one of the crunchy types who finds great happiness in having breastfed my kid past two years old, never used a pump, just brought her everywhere in my cool sling til I was comfortable leaving her with a sitter, worked from home part time, co-slept (in her bed, separate from the bed I share with my husband) and who switched to cloth diapers after getting acclimated to the baby first. It's all been no big deal. Some women just whine about everything. Challenging at times, sure, but I enjoyed my beer and wine once she was a couple months old (wasn't sure about drinking while breastfeeding a newborn) and have always had an active sex life w my husband (thank you natural birth/no episiotomy/quick recovery).

I think Madame Badinter has a very outdated view of motherhood! Feminism, man-hating and baby-hating is so ugly!

What is most troubling to me, and I have to say, a little surprising, is all the comments on various U.S. websites that are sympathetic to what she is saying, other than the smoking, of course, and feel so oppressed by the crunchy/AP-leaning parenting "culture". I don't understand why people would feel oppressed by what is a minority movement at best. Furthermore, I don't understand what is so hard about these things, anyway. Not every day is a picnic, but why are women always so put upon. Lighten the fuck up!

You want to get heavy about something, take a look at places where women are truly oppressed...like, kept from going to school, raped by militias when they're going to get water for their families, where the legal system makes is OK for their families to kill them if they're dishonored. These Western feminists should be ashamed.

*Really* clearing out the clutter

I thought after wrapping up my auction responsibilities I'd feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, but it wasn't that simple. I had lingering anxieties the rest of the day after dropping the goods off, and they lingered into the weekend, just not feeling that well. Now, of course I don't attribute all of that (or much at this point) to the auction. But I have to cut it away and move on, and with this, I will finish up this blog.

"Mommy Blogs" were featured in a recent New York Times piece on its Motherlode blog and it was neat to read, sort of; sort of depressing, too. I don't feel like I gained any sense of community from my blogging and it really only took time away from me being with my child, earning money or doing other things IRL (that's "in real life" for those few who may still be unfamiliar with the parlance). At times, maybe it's been therapeutic, at times, it's just been an exercise in me spouting forth my oh-so-superior opinion, cushioned gently with the occasional lament that I know nothing.

Well, enough! My kid is almost three. I like doing actual stuff with her. And when I'm not doing stuff with her I need to be either working out or working toward building my business or professional skills so I can ramp up in a couple years when she's in kindergarten. And if not those activities, I need to be all namaste and stuff, working on loving my fellow (wo)man. Being absorbed in the mommy blogosphere does not lend itself to these pursuits, for me. On top of that, it actually is bad for me, I think. I feel isolated and embarrassed (before whom, I don't know) of my obsession to always check to see if there are any hot issues being discussed about which I might insert my wonderful opinion. And where does it get me? More often that not people complain that my opinion is too harsh or too strong or I express it the wrong way or whatever.

The places I frequent online seem like they're just filled with women who want their weaknesses validated and they don't want any real discourse on issues. People just want everyone to be nice. It's not OK to think that moms, if at all possible, should breastfeed from their breast, as long as possible. It's not OK to think that moms, if at all possible, should stay home with their pre-school age children. Everyone is all about validating everyone's choices. Well, to me, that's BORING. So I am done. I'm going to try and nurture some friendships close to home for me and my daughter, with the few people left around here who are actually home during the day. (Many of my friends work, bless them, because they have to...but that does leave me kinda lonely and I am a little pissed for that.)

I went for a long, long run yesterday, mostly in the rain. It was like 18 miles or so. I was supposed to do 20, but my feet ended up being completely wet and they were starting to hurt in a blistery kind of way. I kept thinking while I was running that I need to let the rain wash away my sense of something-not-quite-right, anxiety or whatever it was I was feeling. It sort of did, but now I have to take a definitive step on my own. And, really, it's mostly for me, because, if there's one thing I can guess after seeing the myriad mommy blogs posted in the comments of the NYT story it's that nobody cares. But, that's cool.

So now for a few last thoughts:

1) Yesterday, I started reading a book that's now a couple years old called "The Maternal is Political." I want to try and understand other women more, but so far it's just made me angry. The second chapter, I think, was a DC professional who'd hired a nanny from Bolivia and she was going on about how immigration is a mothers' issue and how it's turned her, a white suburban girl into an activist. She said she needed this Bolivian nanny as much as the nanny needed her. She told of how this nanny had left her country and her own child so she could come to the U.S. and try to cobble together a better life for them. The nanny had left an abusive husband and left her daughter with her grandparents. Now, I hesitate to judge that nanny. She had a desperate situation and she did the best she could, I suppose. But the thing that struck me about it was this DC professional who'd said in her essay that the nanny was doing all this very important stuff for her child. It's the nanny who "...rocks her to sleep, calms her fears and swings her high in the air"...has instilled in her the joy of a good belly laugh, the abandon of dancing the salsa, the knowledge of how to ride the bus across town, the thrilling terror of a new adventure..." It's the nanny who "...taught [her] the pledge of allegiance...rehearsed with [her] the name of our president, the colors of our flag..." All this makes me feel sad and weird. Both women felt that they had something more important to do than raise their own children. And this is something I simply do not understand. And I can't write about it anymore because I sound cruel, and I'm not a cruel person. But I just don't understand it. So I need to move away from it.

2) I am lonely. I am mad that there aren't more stay at home moms/work at home moms for me to connect with. But, I blame myself for not finding them, so I am turning my efforts toward that and away from the internet.

3) I am cured of any "depression" or mental issues I may have been bothered by in the past few years. I think that maybe it was all part of becoming a mom and also that it's often pretty challenging to have a baby and care for a baby. I'm not foolish enough to think that my parenting and/or life challenges are over, but to anyone still reading this, who may be going through craziness with a, say, 1.5 to 2.5 year old...I'd say, it gets alot easier. Well, at least for me it did! And now, I am going to go enjoy it.

Clearing out the clutter: UPDATE

Well, here is a picture of my work over the last couple of hours (and some more yesterday putting together the crazy box and arranging the stuff...and moving the baby car seat and bench seat in our car to make sure the damn thing will fit).


I have to say I am a little bit proud and feel kind of tender toward it. Maybe some people like stuff like this and will enjoy it. OK. I am not really a crafty person. I like to work on computers, not with poster board and glue and all that it took to make this look like it does. And, it's not that great...it's a little amateurish. But, I think it will go over well. So, maybe I should just have a nicer attitude about it all. I even had some chances to engage my kid while I worked on it, thank goodness.