I don't know anything

Lest people think I am seriously out here trying to tell people my way is the way to go, or that other people are wrong or whatever, I have to say, these snippets are just chronicles of my struggles and sometimes mini-victories. As of late, I feel like I have been having far more struggles.

An old taoist saying goes, Those who talk don't know and those who know don't talk, and that is very much the case here because each day, I feel like I know less and less.

Raising a child is more difficult than I thought it would be. Marriage is more difficult than I thought it would be. Both, I know, can be very rewarding. But, boy, are they hard sometimes. And I probably have good people that I'm working with in my husband and baby! Neither are really particularly difficult, I don't think. One just gets used to playing by their rules and having things their way by the time they get to be thirty-something and have basically been doing it their way all their lives. Then, other people enter the picture, and they need to refocus. And so, that's what my life is all about. Refocusing all the time, trying to make peace between my own selfish desires and what the people I love need from me.

Every day I fail. Every day I say I am not going to get mad at people or lose my temper. I fail. I say I am going to be sweet and loving. And I fail. I say I am not going to overeat or eat junk food. I fail.

At least I exercise regularly, so I'm not fat. But, as my husband reminds me often, the both of us need to get into better shape. That really kind of burns me up since I just had a baby six months ago and I have been trying to figure out how to care for her well while working an office job from home about 20 hours a week. Yes, I used to be in excellent shape before I got pregnant. And I do mean excellent. We're talking low-body-fat-percentage (18 -22, depending on the year), marathon-running, 2-hours-of-working-out-a-day kind of in shape. Now, I am just O.K. I know that someday I will get back to where I was, but that level takes more dedication than a new mom who is trying to work from home while taking care of a baby can achieve in just a few short months. It takes time.

Anyway, back to my heart and my failed attempts at being a loving wife and mom. I don't really have any legitimate excuses for my failings there. I could say lack of support and being tired from trying to do it all kind of wear on me and make me pickier about things than I need to be and more likely to snap, but, I don't want to take that cop-out.

I've failed in my earlier stated goal of losing weight by Christmas, but I think I can make up for it and do it in the first half (or maybe even the first quarter) of 08. I'm hoping I can get my heart and head right as easily during the new year and work on spiritual resolutions as well. I know I can't go on in the manner I've been going, so I have no choice. I must change.

I've been trying to sort of change myself unofficially over time, but I think I might need to create more of an action plan to make it happen...some rules to live by, you know? So, I will be thinking of that over the next couple of days (or weeks, depending on how busy I get) and try to map something out for the new year. Stay tuned.

Hip in Our Hearts

Yes. I am back. My hair still is stupid, but it'll grow out. I've given up "controlling" my baby and instead am working with her. And, I recently finished Alternadad, by Neal Pollack, and so maybe I do feel like I can give advice after all.

First off, Pollack's a good writer and his book was pretty entertaining. I didn't know this before I read Alternadad, but he set off a shit storm on Salon.com a couple years ago when his kid got thrown out of daycare for biting and he'd included clues about his & his wife's lame and listless parenting in the article. I'm not here to criticize their parenting, though. I actually felt a little bad for him after reading some of the nasty comments people made to him following his Salon piece. I'm here to criticize his hipster cred.

That's right. How hip is it to smoke weed every day at age 35? I mean, really. Seriously? Is that really necessary? That's so "in your twenties". Also, is Beck (who Pollack idolizes) really that hip? Beck? I guess it's just a matter of opinion. But mine is "no". Watching scads of corporate mainstream TV is not hip. Additionally, blowing money you don't have and being stupid isn't hip either (going to happy hours several times a week, paying for your mother in law to stay at a hotel with you to watch your kid, paying taxes with a credit card). Sending your kid to daycare when you and your wife both "work" from home isn't hip either (daycare costs money!). OK. So now I'm criticizing his parenting. Didn't mean to.

My husband and I are comparatively boring, but we are hip in own hearts. He chooses the life of a civil servant to make a steady living but not distance himself from his family with crazy corporate work hours. I work from home part time so I can earn a little money and nurture our child in the way we think is best at this point. We live in the (gulp!) suburbs. Yes, that's right. And ours is pretty culturally diverse, too. We still see live music, occasionally (my husband more than me, because he like to much more than me), we read, we travel. We have a great life...but we don't piss our money away.

To me, what's hip is not trying so hard to be cool and not feeling you have to partake in all of society's gooniness to make it through. It's about finding your own way in a way that works for you. I don't want to teach my daughter to like punk rock and be an anarchist. That's just silly. If she decides she likes punk rock on her own, then so be it. I want to empower her with the confidence and ease to be a free spirit, but an "anarchist"...no.

Anyway, I always am thinking how I have got to be a kinder and more compassionate person, and I don't think this post really accomplishes anything in that regard, so I'll wrap it here and just say that Neal Pollack is a much better writer than me.

Trading in baby books for tax guides

Well, it's official. I will be working as a consultant for my former employer. The contract's been signed for the remainder of 2007 and we've talked about 2008 a bit as well. I even have some other clients, too. Pretty much just what I wanted, but now, of course, I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. But, not with work-work. Rather, I'm concerned about figuring out taxes as a self-employed worker and what to do about my retirement investments. And then there's the matter of the new baby.

My child is a dream, though. She's a "good" baby as babies go, although I don't believe there are "bad" babies, just those that somehow need more and may not be getting what they need. Lucky for me, I think my baby is about average in terms of her level of need, and perhaps I am above average in what I am willing to give. So it works out—most of the time.

By "above average" I mean that I nurse on demand, I let her sleep with me as needed, and I don't let her cry for very long without going to her. I put her first. At times, I've felt the pressure (from where, exactly, I don't know) to get her on a schedule or to sleep on her own. I've done some reading on both sides of the scheduling/training philosophies and I've come to the conclusion that it's just not worth trying to force babies into adult modes of life. Things are much more peaceful, feel better and are just plain easier when I approach baby care with sensitivity and careful observation rather than trying to force her to do what I want her to do when I want her to do it.

For instance, we can try napping at set times, but sometimes, she just doesn't seem to want to nap, or, she needs to nap in my arms. Same thing about sleeping for the night, or "through the night" as is the big goal for so many new parents. I don't do the same thing all the time or feel the same way all the time, so why should I expect a baby to?

Still, I know a baby needs sleep, and today she would not nap at all. Then finally when she was really petering out for the day and it was time to sleep for the night, but she still wouldn't sleep. She'd drift off a bit during "nursing" and I while don't mind nursing her to sleep, she wasn't really going to sleep and she wasn't really nursing either, but just sucking on me, the human pacifier. I tried to stop this by rocking her to sleep instead, but she wasn't too keen on that. Finally, I got pretty frustrated and just had to put her in her co-sleeper and let her cry, if only to pull myself together. I told my husband I'd give her five minutes and vented some of my frustrations to him. It took more than five minutes, but less than ten, and she gradually stopped crying and fell asleep. I hope this doesn't count as "crying it out" because I hate that, but I really did need to step away from the situation. I don't think this is something I'll make a habit of doing, that's for sure. I hope she understands and knows from all the other stuff I do for her that I love her.

Focusing on training for things that are as primal as eating and sleeping just serves to make me feel bad in the end because the baby doesn't always do it, then I get mad because I'm focused on the training goal instead of what the baby needs or is trying to communicate, and then I feel horrible for getting mad at a baby—and resolve it by realizing I am really just mad at myself. But what kind of resolution is that?

When I observe her behavior and try to be responsive by helping her with what she's experiencing instead of fighting it, she is in turn much more responsive to my efforts and often, we can almost have a semblance of a "schedule"—for what that's worth. And, working from home, it is worth something.

Back to working, then. I'm going to need to trade in the baby books for some books on how to do taxes when you're self-employed. I know I have to pay some kind of estimated tax in advance and pay my own social security. I know that I might be able to deduct some stuff, like my Internet service and such. I'm glad. I know I can figure it all out, but I will need some outside expertise to navigate the technical world of taxes. With the baby, though, I'm done with outside expertise and instead will trust my heart and my instincts.

Happy Times in the 70s

My baby daughter had her four month check up today and is off the charts with height and weight. Breastfeeding rocks! Here's a celebratory clip.

Going on vacation

Today, we leave on vacation...and what a great day for the Huffington Post post on "disconnecting to connect." (Funny, because my soon-to-be former employer is in the thick of their annual conference right now, and I am spending the last week of my employment with them on maternity leave, and going on vacation.)

This poster's comment touched me:

There simply needs to be a balance between our capitalism and spiritualism. A society without the essential elements of both is simply going to lose in the end. Humans as connected spirits in this universe need the spiritual side to realize that all the money and recognition and power that they are striving towards will be left behind in this material world in 80-100 odd years. The urge to do as much in those many years is great I know specially as one hits mid-age. But then again who will even WANT to know you (the person) after two generations? I agree Lincoln and Washington, Gandhi and Vivekananda have followers even today but maybe that is exactly why there is such a paucity of men and women of great stature today. No one has the time to build their convictions and strengths. Everyone is running around achieving so much and getting nowhere...The more important thing seems to be communicating about it to get instant gratification and fame rather than the world feeling the effects of actions through time. Thus we have a president who rushes into war which the countrymen had no time to think about and I am writing here now because if I don't I would never get to it in my busy day... T

I bolded that sentence because in some ways, that's how I've come to feel about blogging, although obviously I know fame is not really something I'm going to achieve. I have been thinking lately, though, that I might need to do less blogging and more living...so, here we go...vacation!

Parents looking for work-life balance, use your bargaining power to turn the tides

Yesterday was a gorgeous late summer/early fall day with a strong breeze that makes you think…change is in the air. I spent most of the day inside taking care of my baby and working on the laptop, but managed to get out for a run before the day began and a nice walk after my work was done. I had the chance to reflect on the sense of change in the season, my life, and hopefully on a larger scale in society.

A timely segment this morning on Good Morning America sparked my thoughts yesterday morning. The topic—“Ways to Get Your Voice Heard on Paid Leave From Work Policies”. I actually had received an e-mail from the Mom’s Rising group, calling for moms to head to Capitol Hill for the segment, but I had my baby and my work deadlines, so it wasn’t in the cards for me, and I’m not sure I would have been completely comfortable in the mix.

I do support legislation that would protect families and children by allowing moms and dads to stay home with their babies longer without suffering financial hardships. However, there are so many unanswered questions about how such legislation would work. Who would pay for the paid leave? What about people who choose to have only one child versus those who have five? What about people who don’t have children at all? Are programs like this fair to them?

I believe all Americans have to come together and work for the common good, supporting policies that will help families and nurture our kids so future generations are healthy in mind, body and spirit. To me, this means policies that, at minimum, create an environment that allows a parent to be in the home with their child until they are preschool age (three years old) and for the child to be breastfed, if possible, until the age of one, at least. However, I also believe that people—parents—have power beyond what legislation or regulation might provide.

Skilled professionals command certain benefits in a free marketplace, but these people must also demand these benefits. A recent U.S. News & Word Report article highlighted companies like PricewaterhouseCoopers and Deloitte & Touche that now have special programs for employees who want to take time off for their families when a baby is born, but still keep their careers on track. These companies created their programs because they made sense from a business perspective. As the article states of PwC, “The company did not start the program out of a spirit of generosity: In 2001, it faced a 24 percent turnover rate.” A PwC exec estimates the cost of losing a client services' employee to be around $80,000, so their program pays for itself.

Naturally, the employees who can take advantage of such programs are going to be very talented and highly in-demand. But, other professionals, too, might also be able to negotiate deals with their employers to let them telecommute, work part time, work on a freelance basis, or take sabbaticals with mentoring and skill development programs while tending to young children. If they’re worth it, they might get the deal. Others strike out on their own as entrepreneurs or consultants.

That’s what I’m hoping for with my soon-to-be former employer—a freelance gig that I might eventually springboard into a full-fledged freelance practice with even more clients. This is just one way people can help shape the way business works to make it more family-friendly. The more professionals with bargaining power use their influence to shape the marketplace to suit their wants and needs, the more businesses will operate this way. People have the power to make demands on the market, but it takes planning, guts, tenacity—and sometimes sacrifice. Over time, we might make this the norm, and even help it trickle down to less-skilled workers…at least until legislation can get pushed through.

Here are some pieces to the puzzle of balancing babies and work I can note from my own experience:

Plan ahead
For our family, we worked hard for several years and saved in advance to allow me the option to stay home or work part time during our daughter’s earliest years. We socked away a nice nest egg before getting pregnant. Plus, I did almost eight years at my job, racking up sick leave that I was able to use so that during my FMLA leave so I was able to still take home my entire salary.

Work hard/Be talented
Over the years at my job, I worked to position myself as close to indispensable as possible. Of course, everyone knows nobody is indispensable, but being a key member of the team and trying to bring something extra to the table will help in negotiations for flexible work arrangements later. I even agreed to work part-time from home during my actual maternity leave because I wanted to stay in the mix of what was going on at the office and continue to position myself as a valuable asset. I’m now awaiting my office’s decision on how they might use me on a freelance basis, part time, from home, and my chances look good.

Be prepared to make tough choices
Of course, we realize we may have to set some priorities (I originally said "make sacrifices, but I don't believe that is a good term to use). We might not have the newest cars or clothes. We don’t get every single new little baby gadget. And, I know our bank accounts and my contributions to my retirement savings will take a hit for a little while. But, we decided it was worth it for us.

Stand firm
Once we made our decision not to put our baby in daycare, we knew that there was no turning back and we weren’t willing to compromise on it. This was what we believed, and short of a crisis situation, one of us would be home with the baby. If they can afford it, families with two in-demand workers might make the choice to walk away from one of their full-time jobs, or negotiate part-time work. If enough people with power and money make these choices, the market might follow.

Don’t buy crib company spin on recall—babies are OK in bed

Crib manufacturer Simplicity, recently tried to spin news about a crib recall to take a jab at co-sleeping—a healthy and safe practice done by millions of families around the world every night, and done in our house.

We use an Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper next to our bed, and also have a crib in a separate room for her (maybe someday) but in reality, our baby ends up in bed with us most nights after her first waking. I usually pick her up out of the co-sleeper and place her next to me to nurse lying down and we both fall asleep. It’s a wonderful feeling and it’s just so easy. Sometimes I will lean over the co-sleeper and nurse her there, but honestly, it's so much more comfortable to have her right by my side. I can’t imagine how parents who have their babies sleeping in another room manage when they wake at night and cry out for them, which most babies just naturally do when they are very young. It’s much more tiring, I think, to have to get out of bed and go to the crying baby than to be gently woken by the baby’s persistent stirring and then be able to tend to her before she gets worked up.

According to Attachment Parenting International (API), there are many benefits to co-sleeping. Co-sleeping helps babies regulate some of their bodies’ functions. The API website cites studies showing that parents being so close by may help the infant’s immature nervous system learn to self-regulate during sleep and that it may also help prevent SIDS by preventing the infant from entering into sleep states that are too deep.

Babies get more care with the co-sleeping arrangement, as well. Co-sleeping increases breastfeeding, and in addition to the known benefits of breast milk itself, the act of sucking increases oxygen flow, which is beneficial for both growth and immune functions.
Long-term benefits include higher self-esteem, less discomfort about physical contact and affection as adults and general improved adjustment to life. Another study showed co-sleeping children received higher evaluations from their teachers than did solitary sleeping children. Furthermore, a large, cross-cultural study conducted on five different ethnic groups in large U.S. cities found that, across all groups, co-sleepers exhibited a general feeling of satisfaction with life.

Some critics say children will never want to leave the bed, but according to API, many co-sleeping parents report that their children become willing to leave, with little or no persuasion, on their own around age two or three, as they mature physically, emotionally and cognitively.

With regard to safety, the API site explains that existing studies do not prove that co-sleeping is inherently hazardous. Rather, certain characteristics of the sleeping environment that can contribute to danger—smoking, drugs, alcohol, and unsuitable bedding, for example. Basically, you have to actually pay attention and be aware of your baby, even through the night, rather than setting her aside "safely" (or not) in her separate space.

One of the biggest problems with the perception of co-sleeping probably stems from a cultural bias. America's emphasis on independence, technology, and consumerism, as well as parents’ needs for time and privacy, may as contribute to the bias against co-sleeping.

Simplicity, the company that manufactured the recalled cribs, played on this bias in their statement about the recall. Seemingly trying to temper the bad news about their cribs, they called upon “child advocate” Nancy A. Cowles to express her concern that, “the recall could lead parents to let their children sleep in less safe environments, such in the parents’ bed.” Riiiiiight.

This statement comes straight from the crib company’s press release, but at least most news outlets had the sense not to use the following bit of misinformation on co-sleeping the company slipped in: "According to First Candle, a leading promoter of infant health, infants who sleep in an adult bed with their parents are up to 40 times more likely to die through suffocation or other means than infants who sleep in a crib," the company president is quoted. "Parents need to know that babies are safest in a separate sleeping space designed for them." Mmmm-kay.

So why do the crib makers try to scare parents into thinking their babies aren’t safe in bed with them? To sell cribs, of course. Yay, America!

I don't have anything against cribs, and some day we may even use ours. What I do have something against is misinformation being used to scare parents into thinking they have to buy and use certain products, especially in the wake of news of problems with these products.

Looking into the recall and into facts about co-sleeping did prompt me to do a check of how I arranged my baby's bedding, both in the sleeper and in our bed (in addition to checking our crib). The API site notes the following basic guidelines: infants should sleep on firm surfaces, clean surfaces, in the absence of smoke, under light a blanket; their heads should never be covered; the bed should not have any stuffed animals or pillows around the infant; and the infant should never be placed to sleep on top of a pillow. Sheepskins or other fluffy material and especially beanbag mattresses should never be used.