Lest we forget!

Some (semi) "final" thoughts...

So much of the womens/"mommy" blogosphere seems all the same to me. For example, the latest "discussion" I got involved in, about people's thoughts on hiring help around their house (basically cleaners/maids) has been a doozy.

To all who say “there’s no room to judge”…I am really just stating how I feel about household help, I may be saying it in judgmental tones, and that reflect my feelings on the matter, but what’s the point of discussion if you’re not going to ASSERT an opinion?

It seems to be the thing on these mommy blogs to EITHER:

Be part of the (pathetic little) club whose members all agree and go on about how hard one’s life is and how we have to, as such SUCH hardworking moms do A, B or C just to get along because I have ten kids and am running five businesses from home and working on a book (hahahah)…

OR:

Have a different view and meekly add “but I won’t judge anyone who does…”

Well, I don’t feel the need to overstate and overwork the “not judging” thing.

Because, I do kinda judge. Not in a “I think I am better than you, you deserve to die you moron” way, but in a “I think my way on this is more enlightened, I am more in touch with something I think is better” way.

Now I am trying to do a new thing where I let my ego fall away and I don’t go around being “more enlightened” on topics than others…however, it’s going to be a long process and I don’t expect to be “over it” any time soon…and I would observe I am not alone in this bad habit.

Anyway, to those who assert that one "has no room to judge" because A, B or C is not in line with an argument being made (for example with household help issue, those who have asserted if you buy from stores or get haircuts or do any other modern conveniences type thing you have “no room to judge” the household help bit) I would disagree. I say that we CAN control what goes on in our homes more than what we can control out in the world, in the factories in the fields, etc. and you have to start somewhere.

Maybe these mommybloggers and their sycophants need to not bite off more than they can chew and get back to the nuts and bolts of taking care of their own lives--including their stuff!

Logging off—for a bit

I didn't do too well on my first day of not being egotistical. I got caught up in posting on all the reasons I think it's distasteful to pay someone to clean your own house, and alot of it was about how un-bourgeois I am. Yay me! Who cares?!?

Barbara Ehrenreich has a really good, though-provoking article on the matter, though, that is definitely worth a read.

So, this video, meant to be funny, is also true. It's funny because it's true!

Letting go of the ego (slowly)

So in my last post, I mentioned a pedicure and that I was reading Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life. I have always wanted to be a loving, peaceful hippie yoga girl, but now that I don't smoke weed daily (at all) anymore and am living in the real world (as much as spending most of one's time with a preschooler constitutes living in the real world) it's not so easy. Hell. It's never been easy. But, I've been feeling so down and poisoned by my own negativity that I've decided I need to take action. Now. I've been reading Riane Eisler lately, learning about how the only way we're going to grow a better world and survive is to work toward a culture of partnership instead of domination. Then, a friend posted on Facebook about the Charter for Compassion, which brought that to the top of my mind and introduced me to Karen Armstrong and her book. Twelve steps, I thought...it would be broken down and I could follow the steps and do it!

And Armstrong right in the introduction recognized what would probably be the biggest challenge for me. She wrote:

The demands of compassion seem so daunting that it is difficult to know where to begin—hence the twelve-step program. It will immediately bring to mind the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. We are addicted to our egotism. We cannot think how we would manage without our pet hatreds and prejudices that give us such a buzz of righteousness; like addicts, we have come to depend on the instant rush of energy and delight we feel when we display our cleverness by making an unkind remark and the spurt of triumph when we vanquish an annoying colleague. Thus do we assert ourselves and tell the world who we are. It is difficult to break a habit upon which we depend for our sense of self.

Exactly. My middle name is Snark, my surname is Cooler than Thou (no, not YOU...you, over there, probably...) By acknowledging this part of me that I had not really had anyone acknowledge (diagnose?) before, and understanding that others have this addiction, this affliction, too, that alone was a big step.

So when I was getting my awkward but nice pedicure yesterday and the nail lady asked me no less than three times if I was sure I wanted the green color I'd chosen, I had a thought. I guess not that many people choose this shade of green? Or maybe just not that many women my age? Or maybe just not that many women my age in this suburb? In any case, it made me feel unique.

I know it's egotistical to want to feel unique, but I still like to feel unique. Don't most people? You know, just a little bit special and different. Maybe, I thought, as she stroked on that great green polish, this is why women do things like express themselves with clothes, jewelry, hairstyles and such? A harmless, non-ugly expression of one's uniqueness? And by non-ugly, I don't mean as in being pretty, I mean not mean, snarky or mean spritied. I have tended in the past to express my uniqueness in more, uhm, substantive ways. I am more of a hard-ass on this subject or that (breastfeed til at least 2! don't let that baby cry it out! you put a 3-month old in daycare?!?!?!). I am tougher on this matter or that matter. I know the real facet of issue A and you people have it just a bit wrong.

This describes different discussions, mostly online, in which I can tell the whole truth about how I feel at that moment, but that I don't necessarily say in my real life because, I guess, I am nicer than that, or, I know I can't be a bitch in real life and still interact, you know, with people...but, how unsatisfying, and yet I keep going back for more. BUT, it doesn't make me feel smart and unique, though, after a while and just makes me feel kind of tired. Only once in a while did I get agreement or a "recommend" or a "thumbs up." OK, sometimes I got quite a few. But, something in me knows this isn't right, or good. If the opinions I'm expressing weren't things I'd express to actual real people, to their face, and the majority of thoughts that crossed my mind are critical and mean, then, I have to find something else to do with my views...a more productive outlet. Such divisiveness and nastiness is not going to save the world, or even win anyone over to my view. Something has to change. So I'm changing.

But again: It is difficult to break a habit upon which we depend for our sense of self.

So, I have to create a new sense of self.

Armstrong explains:

As in AA, the disciplines learned at each step in the program have to become a part of your life. There is no hurry. We are not going to develop an impartial, universal love overnight. These days we often expect things to happen immediately. We want instant transformation...But it takes longer to reorient our minds and hearts; this type of transformation is slow, undramatic, and incremental...If you follow the program step by step, you will find that you are beginning to see the world, yourself and other people in a different light.

For now, I have my green toes and my book. And I will try to be nice. I will try to find ways I can be unique in ways that aren't obnoxious until I master this to the point that the egotistical desire to be unique, too, fades away.

Pampering schmampering—or not

So I'd scheduled a massage for myself today and to make it totally decadent and "me me me" I thought I'd get a mani-pedi, too. I have not done this for probably ten years. Seriously. Ten years! But, I can probably count on one hand the number of mani-pedis I've had in my entire life, so I guess it's not saying much. I am (was) more of a massage girl. I got them regularly for a while after landing a professional, well-paying job. Then faded out after working from home, being a mom, rationalizing to myself that my husband gives great massages, so why pay?

The problem is, he doesn't give them for an hour long, and, well, he's not a professional and usually wants sex (not that there's anything wrong with that.) But, I digress.

I've been turning into a complete and total bitch lately. I will defend myself in saying that it is not altogether unjustified that I should be cranky. I've been doing alot of menial housework lately and that always gets me crabby. My child has been difficult at all the wrong times. Though I must say she has been doing a great job of entertaining herself and playing for hours while I've been doing all the aforementioned cleaning, clearing and organizing. But her independent playing does not come without a price because she makes messes I have to go back and clean up and then she gets needy for my attention later, big time. Honestly, I don't know how mothers of more than one child get along. I know, that makes me sound like a total ass.

Anyway, I have been an awful, mean bitch...to my actual family who I am supposed to love. So, I had to check myself. I want the world to be a better place. I am, I guess, a "peacenik"...let's take care of everybody, share, healthcare for all, paid leave for moms and dads, care for those in need, educate...Kumbaya, my lord! But what kind of hypocrite am I if I am mean to my own family and what kind of hypocrite am I if I criticize others or am uncharitable with my views and opinions expressed online. If I can't even rein in these basic, close to home matters, is there any hope for humanity? Not that I, personally, have that much control over humanity as a whole, but, you know, it starts with one, and if everyone acted like I've been acting, and did so on a world-size scale, it would be, like total armageddon!

So, I decided I need to take care of me. Take a time out so I can feel a little more rested, a little more grateful, and all that. Thing is, the whole mani-pedi thing is a little awkward for me. I don't really know the drill, and the woman doing it was this little old Asian lady who barely spoke English, but she did a valiant job in guiding me through it all. I apologized for my nasty, leathery feet. I did not apologize for my hairy legs. I declined having my cuticles cut. I read from my iPod Touch Kindle while the pedi went down.

I just started reading, last night, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, almost in desperation because I have been feeling so terribly mean, ugly and awful, and so here I was reading about Buddha and Confucius, as the author, Karen Armstrong, was laying the groundwork for the steps with some history, while a little old Asian woman (not Chinese, though, probably Vietnamese) does my feet. My instinct is to feel weird. I am the person who says I will never hire a cleaning lady. I am a woman of the people. Working class girl made good. Salt of the Earth. I don't want to be the rich white lady (I'm not rich anyway, by U.S. standards, although probably rich to many of the rest of the word's standards). But, I tried to take the exchange with gratitude instead of shame or awkwardness. She was making an honest living doing a service for me to help me feel good. In the end, I got a cute pedicure and manicure and felt nice—and a neat lesson I will write about in an upcoming post. I probably won't do it again for another 10 years, though.