Be present, be pleasant

Recently, I had a good talk with my mom on the phone. I think I must have been having one of my Iced Grande Americano-induced anxiety attacks. That, and I was feeling whack about the Affordable Care Act—not so much the Supreme Court ruling itself and that it was going through, but the barrage of comments on Facebook, Twitter, and such (there they are again, those awful, peace-destroying culprits) either gloating or complaining. That, and just general confusion, malaise, et cetera. I felt the weight of a confused, noisy world, closing in on me...alone in my boring suburb.

Now, if I had any will power (or sense) and had stayed the fuck off Facebook, like I was supposed to, maybe I wouldn't have had the mini-breakdown. I really, really must break the habit. Mostly there are banal things that give a little chuckle, which are nice, but come so cheap. Then there are the "spirited debates." I usually end up feeling...not right...worn down...something...wrong after them. Do I go on because I crave adult interaction...some...any connection with someone out there? I should be better, stronger, and more thoughtful than that. After all, I have a husband to connect with in the evenings. And I have a child who is pretty bright and interesting here most of the day. I also have a mom, reachable by phone...

So I called my mom. Usually I keep it light. I want her to think I have it all together, but this time, I actually cried. Just crazy dumb stresses, nothing major, except life.

I asked her about her philosophy on life, though not in so many words. I asked her about how she manages with the little anxieties. I asked her, what would she do, though, if she were in a really bad situation, like, like, like....a concentration camp. My mom is wonderful. She didn't tsk or act like it was an extremely weird question. She just answered, "Well, I would just try to not be part of the problem for anybody. I'd try not to make it any worse. I'd do my best to just be nice, be pleasant."

She extrapolated that advice—just be pleasant—to life in general, not just dealing with a concentration camp.  Wow. It really is that simple, isn't it? I mean, a cynic could say that's kind of Stepford-ish, but when you boil it down, it really might be a good way to get on. "Yes, I was watching this show with these two chefs, just bantering about the food, the recipe, and I thought to myself...they are just so...pleasant," she said. No strife, no drama, no point to prove, no cross to bear, no shoulder chip. Just pleasant. I know, I know, life can't always be like that and we can't always "be pleasant" but, if one is experiencing dissatisfaction with how they feel, how their world is being received by their mind and soul, how they themselves are acting out then, why not just try?

Be present, be pleasant.

I had thought I'd try out meditation. I'd heard so many great things about it. So, having ordered the Pema Chodron CD set on how to meditate, which is live and actually supposed to be like being in a real class, I set out to do this thing. It just was not for me. It wasn't that I couldn't just sit there and do nothing for 10, 20...60 minutes. I kind of could. She even allowed for the wandering monkey mind. No judgement. No "you're so bad because you can't focus or blank out your mind." It wasn't like that at all. You're supposed to just accept the thoughts and let them go. I don't know.

The thing that annoyed me so much about it was that the prescriptions seemed so academic and self-straining. You're supposed to sit a certain way. Your eyes are supposed to be cast this or that way (can't really remember). That there are actual instructions for this kind of killed the "tao" or flow or whatever for me. I'm better off going for a run and letting my mind wander, seriously.

I think the goal of meditation is to be in the present and be mindful. Wouldn't the very best practice for that be just doing it when you're doing what you would do anyway? So, that is what I am going to try and do. Make my life a meditation.

Be present, be pleasant.

My crack theory on why so many women are so nutty

UPDATE: I hope that the reader can tell by the tone here that I am referring mostly to diagnosing myself and only a little bit to the blogger I linked to. In fact, I can understand why many people would suffer from anxiety disorders in this day and age, and this latest article I came across goes into some of those reasons. In mild cases like what I've experienced, laying off the caffeine and making sure I get in a good sweat make a world of difference. I do understand that others may need more help. I'd love to see changes to the system rather than everyone just getting dosed up on Rx drugs, though.

ORIGINAL POST: In general, American women need more exercise, more sex and less coffee (or caffeine). And for some, they may be better laying off the web a bit, too.

This has been in the back of my mind for a while. A LOT of women take mood drugs. I've thought about it but something has always kept me away. And I'm glad. Now, it's not because I am anti-drug...at all. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe that I don't want to go through the clinical process of "talking to someone" to get the drugs (one reason I don't smoke pot, other than it being illegal, is that it was too much of a hassle finding and connecting with a seller). Maybe I just recognize that going deeper and actually solving problems is better for your head than slapping a chemical band-aid on it? Maybe there's no overarching reason and it's just my personal choice, or happenstance. But, here I am, Rx drug free.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression though, albeit mild, I suppose. My awareness of anxiety came to a head for me last week when I connected some dots and discovered that Iced Grande Americanos totally give me acute anxiety attacks. I mean, it was so extremely causal for me, it could not have been more clear. I guess that racing, fun feeling I used to think was so cool (or still do on a day that I have fun, easy plans and don't get too deep into my head) actually can spin the total wrong way under other circumstances. So, caffeine=problem for some in higher concentrated doses, or when piled on and on to more caffeine. I wonder how many other women are affected by caffeine in this way?

I'd also remembered reading (can't find the damn article now) about how many women don't have sex anymore (or masturbate, apparently) and so aren't getting the release of orgasm, or other relaxing chemical cocktail that can come from cuddling up, kissing, etc. with your man, even if you don't have an orgasm (though the orgasm is preferable to not, of course). I admit to being "too tired" or too pissy sometimes to want sex with my husband, but I usually get the job done on my own as needed. I wonder if maybe this would help some of these women with stress and anxiety issues? Aside from the masturbation, I'm working on being more selfish and taking what I need from the man, even if he leaves his underwear on the bedroom floor and crumbs on the counter. Why spite myself?

Then yesterday, I read this opinion piece about how everyone's "so busy" (you hear this a lot from women, moms, and then you hear about all the lessons, playdates and volunteer activities going on and you get a headache just listening—well, anyway, I do...) Sometimes I think people schedule and take on a super lot because they're afraid of what might come up if they do nothing. Or they feel they have to justify their existence.

So today I read this post from The Feminist Breeder. God bless her, but she needs to get the hell off the coffee (I hate to vilify a seemingly innocuous substance, but, if you're prone to anxiety, caffeine probably doesn't help), get the hell of the Internet (more on this coming) let her husband fuck her (she did that, finally, it seems) and not pack her life with so much stuff. But, she does have a rocky childhood and I'm not doctor, so my blurted out opinion can be taken with a grain of salt, of course. It just seems that if one still hasn't given up caffeine and started to exercise and eat right and do non-pharmaceutical interventions in earnest, it's too early to go to the meds. And it kind of goes without saying now that you need to exercise, damn it!

I also think maybe all this "socializing" and "sharing" on the Internet contributes to some women's anxiety—and depression. She writes "When people on my facebook page started going OFF on me because they found out that I shopped at Walmart, I still had a massive panic attack at the thought of opening my computer to their nastiness..." So, don't open it! I know, I know. We're all addicted to facebook and the Internet. But, if it's between anxiety and/or depressive freak-outs or somehow breaking the addiction, what are you gonna choose? Another drug?

I don't think people understand that prescription mood drugs are hard core chemicals...fucking with your brain. And, what about all those awful side effects? And, what would you do if you were stranded somewhere and didn't have your meds? Hell, I think about that with my contact lenses! I always like to think, shit, if I was stranded on some far flung place, I don't want to be that conditioned to anything or in need of a thing so bad that that would mess with me surviving or keeping it together in the bad situation. My contacts, though...(note to self: research LASIK).